tiny heat

Spam Wednesday

2012-01-11T08:50:00.000-08:00

To keep up with Spam Wednesday..I got this in my work inbox this morning, supposedly from Wal-mart because it says that it's from Walmart so it has to be from Walmart? right?! yeah, puhleeze. First of all, it's from a gmail account. Second, at least spell it - Wal-Mart if you're going to use it that way. Third, please use pls as please. anywayszzzz....I wonder if people fall for this? they do, don't they, they do..

-----------------------

Hello,

This is Wal-mart Store Inc, Market research company.

Position Available- Mystery shoppers all over the USA Remuneration - $300 weekly If interested pls provide the following information for Assessment and registeration.

Full Names:

Address (Not P.O Box Please)

City:

State:

Zip code:

Cell Number:

Age:

Occupation:

Thanks

Wal-mart-Store Inc

----------------------------then, I received this gem:

Dear Fellow Believer in Christ,

l bring you Christian greetings. l am happy to write you today. Those who assist others in their great time of needs and who are generous to their fellow beings are opening spiritual channels of blessings and favour for themselves, as God will continue to pave the way and open greater doors of success for them in all their understandings.

Before l proceed further, l would like to introduce myself to you. l am a Brother in Christ and married with four children. By the grace of God, l am a self-supporting Pastor of the below named Church. lt is a small local assembly of about 44 people in numbers, located in a rural area here. lt is a congregation of loving God's people and caring for other people who are hurting, who are in pains, poor, sad, lonely and imprisoned. They are people whom God loves, as He loves me and you. But, these people need to find out about Jesus and be born again. This life on earth is the only path to glory, for those of us who are saved. All of our trials here will be as nothing, when we reach Heaven. But, being with Christ in Heaven will be so joyful and wonderful, no more tears, no more sorrow. Our deepest desire is to please the Lord here on earth and help others to be saved as God is our first love and people are our second.

Here in our rural area, my family and l earned a living through farming. But, some wicked people here set fire on our farm land, all the crops get burnt, including the wooden structure we build next to our farm land, where we lived get burnt as well. We lost everything we have, including a Thompson Chain Reference Bible my wife and l were using together also burned. But, none of us were injuried, the awesome God we serve rescue us.

Praises be to Him. Ever since, we have been passing through a great hardship.

But, it does not discourage us not to serve God in the beauty of His holiness. l have prayed God to have mercy on these wicked people and open their hearts that they may understand the Gospel and God's love. lt pays to serve Jesus. His great works in this world inevitably involved suffering or sacrifices. One cannot be in His glorious kingdom without been in some measure involving suffering or sacrifices. What we the Christians are contending and enduring now is open to All-Seeing Eyes of God, for He will surely have His way and will in our lives.

At this juncture, l heartily request for a Thompson Chain Reference Bible from you for my replacement for my deeper studies and conducting Church services here over here. Please, faithfully and sacrificially send it to me.

Also, please send another Thompson Chain Reference Bible to my wife. She loved it so much and will be mightily glad you send it to her, because she have been praying for God's open doors to have one for herself uses. Here in our rural area,the youths and the adults have forgotten about God, because of materialism and idols. lt is only the elderly people who are obedient to God in all their ways and they are worshipping God with us in this our small local church with no Bibles in their hands and they were not able to afford for themselves. They have asked me to help them with the ones with big print words, because of their sight difficulties in reading small print words.l wish all things l could make it available for the remaining of them. But, l simply cannot. l am one myself and l use my own money to support the church and the precious orphans children my wife are taken on the care. l loved them so much, as the lord inspired me to do. They are diamond in His eyes.

These elderly people are 44 in numbers. But, l have bought Giant Print Center Column Reference KJV Bibles for 24 of them. So, l therefore put it to you to stand in God's divine order shoulder to shoulder in His holy rank with one mind to help me with 20 Giant Print Center Column Reference KJV Bibles to give to the remaining 20 of them. God has divinely leads me to you and l deeply believe that you will be able to accomplish this great task for me. This will make these aging people to be fully equip and prepare to do God's work.

Please, we need you to show us God's love and do not be offended by my plea. This is the only area we need your help. lt may not be part of your work to buy these 22 requested Bibles there, if you do not have them with you. But please, try and mercifully buy them there to send to us, for God's sake, whom we serve together. God who own the riches will by the same token you use to bless you real good and favor from the top of your head to the soles of your feet. May He cover you with His presence and His power and keep you protected with His mantle of love for the rest of your life. l pray from the depth of my being that He will meet every need in your life and give you "peace that passeth all understanding". ( Philippians 4:7.). l look forward for your lovely early help of these 22 requested Bibles to us and kind reply to me when you will get this mail.

With much love and eternal gratitude,

Pastor Nebrahim Abu Bello.

Writting below is our mail address to ship the requested Bibles to us.

GRACE INTERNATIONAL CHURCH.

61, AREOGHENE ROAD.

OREDO, EDO STATE, NIGERIA.

This message has been scanned for viruses and dangerous content by MailScanner, and is believed to be clean.

Spam Wednesdays

2011-08-03T12:00:00.000-07:00

This was sent as a txt file..you would think they would at least use spell check..oh wait, they never do.

From 
Barrister nicolas Davison 
Director approve and release of fund
marble ark road ,UK 



 
                                       RELEASE OF YOUR FUND VIA CASH DELIVERY. 
Attn: 
 
I am Barr  NICHOLAS  DAVISON  , newly appointed director general in charge of approving & releasing all owed 
yet unpaid\Un-released foreign payments and also the special adviser to the United-Nation fighting against the 
un-necessary delays of beneficiaries yet unclaimed payment including yours which was recently discovered this 
eek that has not yet been paid to you by the present BRITISH GOVERNMENT after series of investigation 
conducted. 
delighted whole heartedly to inform you that the contract/Inheritance panel of the UN, which just 
concluded its seating in London federal capital territory just released your E-mail Id & Name among the 
currently approved beneficiaries who are to benefit 100 percent  from this very diplomatic immunity 1st First 
quarter payment of the year. This panel was primarily delegated to investigate and to genuinely manipulate all 
owed debts and claims as it has eaten deep into the economy of the Great Britain-London. 


However, i wish to personally bring to your urgent notice, so that you will be aware that your yet unclaimed 

payment data's is still reflecting in our central computer as unpaid and un-claimed owed debt in my department 

where i newly work as the new appointed UN lawyer in charge of approving & releasing of all yet unpaid debts 

recently recovered back by the ;UN office in London been our branch after discovering that your payment has 

been delayed un-necessary due to one reason or another while auditing was going on this week. Your own file 

was personally forwarded to my executive office by the chief auditors of the ;UN as an unclaimed fund. 



 
At this moment, I wish to use this medium of communication to inform you that for the time being the ;UN has completely stopped further payment through bank to bank transfer, Atm Card, Bank Draft or Check Payment due to numerous petitions received from the united states home-land security, the FBI, IMF and other financial and security agencies to UK Government against our banks on wrong payment and diversion of innocent beneficiaries owed funds to a different account.



In this regards, I am going to use my good office now to send you your just approved part-payment in the tune 
of USD7.5M (Seven million five hundred Thousand United States Dollars) only by cash to you via a special UN 
universal diplomatic delivery means to you. In process of doing that, I will personally secure every needed 
documents as the newly appointed lawyer representing the UN office now to cover the money including the 
affidavit to claim of this particular yet unclaimed payment from our federal high court here in London which 
will bestow the right and privilege to you as the rightful beneficiary who is to receive this payment after 
meeting up with the delivery requirement as the British law stipulate. All these will be done perfectly only 
on the condition that you will give me 10% of the funds we are about disbursing to you which is SEVEN hundred 
and fifty  Thousand United States dollars only out of the USD7.5 million you are to receive as soon as you 
receive the money which will coming to you through the HEARTFIELD-JACKSON INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT  ATLANTA 
GEORGIA. , in ATLANTA GA USA before the diplomat will continue his journey to your home to enable him deliver 
your consignment trunk boxes’ at your door step.




 
Note: The money will be coming on 2 security proof trunk boxes. The boxes are already sealed with synthetic nylon seal and padded with machine by the managent of this organization and I also want you to know that the management are not aware of my plans with you in this transaction, so you have to keep it a top secret till me and you are able to conclude this very transaction. This fund was brought to us from the World Bank special delegates because the funds itself was meant for our local afem market here in the UK.

But you don't have to worry for anything that need to be taking care of here in London, as this transaction is 100% risk free and will remain legit as long as you work with me transparently. The boxes are coming with a diplomatic agent assigned by the management of this organization by Diplomat" who will accompany the boxes to your house address or any address you will provide to me for this transaction to enable us complete. All you need to do now upon your willing acceptance on my condition, is to send to me a guarantee that you will give me 10% of the funds as soon as you receive the USD7.5M, and your full house address and your identity such as, international passport or driver’s license including your personal contact phone numbers which must be a working numbers, the diplomatic attached will travel with it. 
 
He will call you immediately he arrives in your country's airport to update you and I hope you understand each and every point that I’ve made clear to you in this email message am sending you. 
WARNNING/ADVISE: Please note carefully that any money requested from you by anybody,office,banks or group of people from Africa/Nigeria or any part of the world to receive your payment expect the United-Nation Appointed Commission Office UK, presently in charge of recovering all un-necessary delayed yet unclaimed owed debts payments, whom the FBI, IMF and other financial agencies have irrevocably approved that should serve you better and ensure you receive your payment this time around, so kindly note that any money sent by you to any 
office in Africa/Nigeria is at your OWN RISK, so stay away from any other office, person or group of people 
and face only the United-Nation Appointed Approved Payment Disbursing High Commission Office only till your 
payment gets to you safely through the HEARTFIELD-JACKSON  INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT  ATLANTA GEORGIA USA


MOST IMPORTANTLY: for security reasons and to enable the both of us conclude this transaction successfully, 
note that the diplomat coming with the consignment boxes will not know the original contents inside the boxes 
he is to delivery to you. So what l and our accredited management will declare to him that is inside the 
consignment boxes is a sensitive photographic film material and classified volume confidential company's 
contract documents. 

Also note categorically that, before I proceed with the next arrangement, you are advice to respond back to me immediately 

on email address, so we can talk and agree first before I seal this transaction with you and if you have any question to ask 

for more clarification before and remember to send the required information’s directly to my Email address and I will let 


you know how far I have gone with the arrangement. I will secure the diplomatic immunity clearance certificate that will be 


tagged on the boxes to make it stand as a diplomatic consignment. This clearance will make it pass every custom checking 
point all over the world without any hitch. All this I will do with my own money as your partner. 
Please, I need your urgent reply via my email address, because the boxes are schedule already to live immediately as soon as I hear from you today. You should confirm immediately you receive this message through my Email: I will send you my confidential telephone number as soon as i receive your immediate respond today.

I am highly submitted and willing to serve you better whole-heartedly.
Congratulations Once AGAIN.
 
Highly Submitted.
 
Respectfully Yours in-service,

Barr  NICHOLAS  DAVISON,
U N HUMAN RIGHT

continued, sort of

2011-07-27T13:19:00.001-07:00

Oh so, I don’t think I was finished when I published that post yesterday..being pregnant, you lose your train of thought constantly and most often than not are at a loss for words and suffer brain farts. The second time around it isn’t so bad though but still – it ain’t normal!

Anyway, back to finances..earning what I earn now is still remarkable for someone who was in my former situation. Which in recent media news – isn’t all that extraordinary. When I first moved here to the Bay area back when I was like 20 years old – I started working as a barista at a coffee/roaster place near the financial district. I got the job thru a friend who knew my situation. I was able to survive off minimum wage and tips and live in a decent apartment renting a room AND still be able to go to school and go out of course – oh and go shopping.

I survived living paycheck to paycheck and yes still do now and with the economy as it stands I’m not sure if I will ever get to the point where I am not living paycheck to paycheck. Even though I make 3 times more than I ever made 10 years ago – I still have to survive living paycheck to paycheck. I check craigslist ads now and then to see if there is anything close to my field and there are but in this economy – I would rather have job security than 20K+ more in my pocket only to get laid off after a few months. Frankly, I would like to earn more degrees or certificates in the Green sector. But I don’t have the time or the money to pursue that right now. This job/career of mine isn’t exactly something I wanted to do in the first place. Don’t get me wrong, I do like my job and the industry but it’s not what I went to school for and it’s not what I most desire to do. If anything, I’ve always wanted an art related job. But it has been too long since I have worked in that industry. I used to do art restoration and conservation. I used to paint and draw. I dabble here and there doing freelance work in graphic design and web design – which is something I kind of want to pursue seriously, but can’t because that would mean not having any money (for awhile until I get a client list going) and no stability.

I know that if the economy wasn’t as bad as it is – I would have probably received a raise or bonuses like I have had in the past. I don’t know..I guess I’m just feeling stagnant. I’ve been at this job for almost 6 years – the longest I have ever been at a job, ever. One of the things that hold me back is also coming from my old situation but that’s not me anymore – I have no restrictions (well, sort of) and so can go to find a job in another state if I wanted to. But again, job security….and half of me feels like I’ve learned too many bad habits here at my work that If I went to work somewhere else I would just stumble and fall and get fired. But that’s just my fears talking again.

2011-07-26T14:47:00.000-07:00

It’s been awhile since I’ve written on here and or complained, yes, about my husband. So, I figure why not kill two birds with one stone.

Being the breadwinner of the family and handling all the financials of our family can take a toll on a person. Especially a pregnant woman. Fears and anxiety aside, I think my husband has it easy. For one, I’ve never been one of those PMS/hormonal women and am not one now while being 33 weeks pregnant with our second. Another thing my husband gets off easy on is having to stress about money. Not because he has a lot of it –quite the opposite really – but because all his life he has never had to deal with it or the consequences of having or not having..it was either always there or taken care of. Before me, he obviously had girlfriends who took care of him and before them or during those times he also had his grandmother who was taking care of his school/rent expenses. So, part of my complaint is really this: he has absolutely no idea how to handle finances. How to save or has the inkling of how much things really cost. Well, it’s not the really cost part it’s the how much of it impacts our entire family and our budget/pockets.

Right now, my husband is not working. Need I remind you that I am also 33 weeks pregnant and STILL working. He isn’t working not because he doesn’t want to – well.. – he’s not working because teachers, non-credentialed teachers don’t have much work during the summer. Here is another part of my compliant – I wish he would get off his butt and put some effort into getting a job when the school year starts. He does have a job lined up with the school he is with but only as an afterschool instructor – which means maybe about 20-25 hours of work per week. This, is not going to help keep us afloat, especially when I will be on maternity leave for 4 months! We still have to pay our midwives $2300 by September! We still have our rent, our car payment, our insurance, our groceries etc. etc…so back to the compliant. I’ve pushed him enough and sent soooo many craigslist ads for him to reply to and even lined up two great recommendation letters that he could use but has he done anything? NO. I don’t want to nag and frankly, I’m tired. I’m tired of the only one stressing. I let it go and forget about it – because you know ignorance is truly bliss..but I can’t ignore it for too long. It would be one thing if we were just dating still and this was his issue – and it is his issue – but now this issue affects me and our family and I have to butt in from time to time.

I don’t know what it is but, I would want to teach my own son – to be independent and resilient and to have ambition. Sometimes, I don’t know with my husband. I don’t know if it’s the fears that prevent him from truly pursing his life’s passions..or maybe teaching isn’t his passion. One thing I do know is – you can’t wait for life to throw something your way – you have to go out there and get it. This is something that has been instilled in me because of my family’s struggles as an immigrants when we first came here.

I was embarrassed recently when a friend of mine and I were talking about finances and how much people make – especially here in the Bay area. We were both on a parenting newsletter that had a complaint by someone who had a combined income of $400+ K a year – this is what started the convo. She then mentioned how much her husband was making annually which was twice the amount I make before taxes – and like I said I’m the breadwinner so..anyways, I was embarrassed enough to lie or sort of lie and mumble.

Yes, my husband did pull in some income that helped us stay afloat and have little perks (budgeted perks, of course) now and then but now that income will become 50% less and we are adding another human that will need items out of necessity – diapers at the very least. Thankfully, feeding it (it because, well, we don’t know if we are having a boy or a girl) won’t cost us a thing J.

Anyway, so there..those are my complaints and my fears and anxiety. Yes, yes we will survive, as so many before us have. I have seriously thought about going on WIC and even getting on food stamps – I’m serious. But we make just a bit too much – which is not much at all! We live paycheck to paycheck and have nothing saved for retirement or the kids colleges.

oh hello

2011-06-13T16:11:00.000-07:00

...looking at this new blog/company I found online had me let out a big sigh and think and wish - if only..if only i had more time, if only ... and the run of the regular excuses..it inspired me to WANT to start making clothes again..not that i dont find inspiration to do so on a daily basis, i do..but it would be nice if I could carve out some time for myself to at least execute one piece of clothing I design and make, after all I have the skills and tools to do so but alas it is the time..and sometimes energy that I dont have. But as they say, where there's a will there's a way, right?

Oh and yes, I've stopped bitching about my husband (as someone stated on formspring)..not because there is less to bitch about...haha just kidding, there is less, but its also the fact that ever since my mom died and having had that interview with Hillary Frank - its kind of opened up new ways of seeing and doing things for me.

You know, its not to say that i have less fears, less worries or less anxiety but ive learned how to let go the majority of them because I choose to only concern myself with what I can control..I can't control my husband. I need to accept the fact that he is who he is and if I have a problem, I just need to spit it out. And I am only to blame for my complaints especially if I haven't ever voiced them. I am the one in control of my life and happiness. The responsibility is on me. It is very freeing when you can let go of things..not that its easy but once you get started the feeling is just amazing and it rolls into other aspects of life.

so anyways...how are things? you still there? following? thank you if you are..I'll write more in the months to come, promise..especially once I'm on maternity leave =D

2011-04-14T12:38:00.000-07:00

I was "interviewed" recently by Hillary Frank, of the blog, The Longest Shortest Time.

Hillary Frank, is a writer and author, a radio producer AND a mom. I was first told about her blog by a friend and fellow blogger and so first I googled her and was surprised that I had known of her and her stories all along - thru the public radio show This American Life. So when I went to her blog for the first time, I quickly understood it - from the title and from the other stories and podcasts. It was unlike other mommy blogs and I found it utterly refreshing and real. Not that those other mommy/parenting blogs aren't real - just that her blog was less about trying to make jokes about parenthood and repeating the cliches and more about real parents stories. Anyway, you should go over and read and listen, not just my interview (really, you dont' have to listen to mine - i won't subject you to my horrible voice!) but the other more insightful ones. Oh, I guess I should be putting this on my own mommy blog..but eh..anyways, here is the link, tell me what you think (be kind!):

http://longestshortesttime.com/2011/04/11/wouldve-been-the-mean-mommy/

stuff

2011-03-18T10:23:00.000-07:00

Instead of writing on this blog, I just keep looking at other blogs and well it doesn’t sit well with me sometimes because I get jealous and envious. I wish I could have a blog that was a part of what I did for a living – like making things, clothes, paper goods, accessories etc. but I don’t and as much as I would like to – I really don’t know how I would be able to. I mean, I really don’t know how it is these parents are able to do so much – run a business, a blog, and keep up with the demands of life as a parent. I don’t mean big mommy blogs like dooce or something which brings in millions of dollars in advertising sales and what not – plus her books and speaking engagements and yada yada yada…after all the money coming in, I would imagine it would be very easy to be doing what she is doing and that it then becomes a matter of upkeep..but then again she also staff on hand. Staff?! People to delegate to on the runnings of your own personal blog…amazing. I want that. I mean, I know she got fired,(“dooced”) for writing about her life/work to begin with but my gosh look what it has done for her. Have you seen her home? Anywayszzzz…

For once I would like to see a blog where it shows just how disheveled life can be sometimes. That it isn’t always perfectly placed pillows on the couch and neat and tidy everywhere. No toys scattered about, no strange items in strange places – like a toothbrush above the microwave next to n onion in the kitchen. Life isn’t always clean floors and made beds and designer or knock off pieces – at least not for me and if it is for you – by gosh..well, lucky you. But maybe these blogs express the neat & tidy side of their life they would like people to see but behind closed doors and away from the eyes and scrutiny of the internet it’s a different sight/site. Well, I want to see THAT site. THAT place. The doodles on the walls that never quite come off, the pieces of wood blocks scattered on the floor that even though you know they are there you just can’t seem to NOT step on one and scream at the top of your lungs. The dishwasher still full of clean dishes and the counters full of dirty ones. Yes, I want to see it. I want to see THAT..and yes, for the only reason to have myself feel better about the mess I live in, thank you very much.

I haven’t put up any photos of our new place because it still looks as if we just moved in yesterday. Boxes are still lined up along the walls in the formal living/dining room. The guest bedroom is still acting as our storage space and our bedroom still has us looking for clothes in boxes. Jax’s room is the only thing that resembles a decent room and thankfully he actually uses it these days. The family room which is fine but not really decorated is pretty bleh. I’ve been meaning to dye the slip covers that came with the couch and I’d really like to mount the tv onto the wall and replace the ikea bookshelf with our credenza. Gardening is also on my list but that hasn’t happened, except for the planting of 2 trees – one for Jax (and his placenta) and one in memory of my mom.

Also, I've come to realize that my mom's death is affecting this second pregnancy..(oh yeah, I haven;t mentioned that yet on this blog, have I? Yep, I'm pregnant.) that I find myself not super joyous as I was with my first pregnancy that I kind of feel a little stiff? if that makes any sense. Anyway, I have more about that on my baby blog.

comments

2011-02-02T08:44:00.000-08:00

I help with a website that is still under construction but still receives quite a lot of nonsense comments. Sometimes, I just wonder - what is the point of it - I mean after you read the nonsense comment, would you really click on the person who provided a link under their name?

Here is an example, though not the best of them..

"I was conclusion the other day that there be required to be a technique for my kids to business at familiar with what they learn in class. Then it flog me - songs!! On a refrain common honest and ball-shaped in their heads and they'll not in a million years taking it!"

Yep, then it flogged on me...some people are gullible.

2011-01-21T11:14:00.000-08:00

In the theme of what I have been previously writing here lately - you should go on over to this blog and read up. After reading the first 3 or 4 of her recent posts - i was like - WHOA...this is...such a better, more eloquent version of what I am thinking and feeling and quite possibly going thru too. Amazing. Even the mom thing, especially the mom thing..I mean seriously. its a little weird YET, comforting.

PHOTOS!

2011-01-20T10:28:00.000-08:00

Get the flash player here: http://www.adobe.com/flashplayer

2011-01-19T11:52:00.000-08:00

So we moved a few things into the new house this past weekend with the help of out of town guests – thank you Amy, thank you Linda (and thank you Nate, who isn’t from out of town, for letting us use your truck). I quickly realized, which I was afraid was going to happen, that I had pictured the house completely differently in my head. Given that I had only seen the place that one time and the mind set I was in at the time.

When I first saw the place, I had immediately fallen in love with it. How could I not? A stereotypical Victorian house – tall ceilings, bay windows, claw foot tub, hard wood floors and not to mention 3-bedrooms, a yard, a kitchen with barn type hardwood floors, a wedgewood stove and plenty of cabinet space. The house had me at the front stoop.

So when we moved some stuff in, I was surprised to see how much my love it changed the shape of it – it was much much large in my head – but it is, in reality, still pretty large just not THAT large and how did I not notice there was a dishwasher and a built in cabinet with marble countertops? How did I seriously miss THAT!? A DISHWASHER?! That really changes some things!

Anyway, it took forever to load the truck and van with all the small boxes we had in our living room plus some furniture (a coffee table, and two arm chairs) but it seemed only minutes when they (hehe, it was my job to keep the kid occupied so I didn’t have to lift a thing!) unloaded everything.

My best friend Amy was visiting from Denver and got to see our place – she loved it by the way. She kept urging me to take photos, which I did, except they are on her camera so I have to wait until I receive those to post them up for your viewing pleasure 

I’m excited for this move and I feel that it is quite beneficial for our family. However, we are still slow to pack..the bedrooms are still untouched and the effing storage space we have is packed full of, well, stuff that’s been out of sight out of mind since we moved in 2 years ago. ARGH!

2011-01-17T10:29:00.001-08:00

Well, it’s obvious that I am dealing with a few things and I’ve realized that what I’ve said here – may have painted a picture that doesn’t truly represent what is going on. And like I said, there are 2 sides to every story.

Yes, often my husband and I don’t quite see eye to eye, but that doesn’t mean that we are on the road to a horrible downward spiral. We’re married, we are in this together – whether he likes it or not. And you know, often when I am ranting I am coming from a low place where I feel like I am not being understood. But you know in hindsight I can look back and go oh – well, this is where I could have done better. Or, I see how he would have taken it that way. Often, I miss the point too, and it isn’t just him, it’s me too – I need to remember to try to understand rather than to always be understood.

I have found that ever since my mother’s suicide, I have become more open and transparent to everyone, to absolute strangers, almost to a fault. I write mostly without hesitation and reveal whatever it is on my mind or what I am feeling, often without thinking of the consequences. My mother held onto a lot of secrets which lead to a lot of fear and shame, which only lead to her suffering. It didn’t help her to hold on to those fears and misunderstandings only to question herself and her life on this earth. She always made it a point to please everyone before herself. To ignore what was going inside of her and to just put on a smile to keep everyone else happy. Well, I don’t want that for myself. If I have to ruffle up so feathers and do it publicly to help me sort thru life than so be it. I know that whatever I write here or elsewhere is not etched in stone, people change, things change and perspectives change. New information comes in, new theories go out..its life and the only constant is change.

I don’t want to have you all think that my life with my husband is completely horrible because it isn’t. If you think about it, take a look at what you say when you are with certain people and how often you mention something positive to those that are negative or rather listen to what others have to say and see how many are positive v. negative. Our society has us believe in the negatives – news, politics etc. more so than the positives. When someone compliments you do you tend to just brush that compliment off? But when someone criticizes you, what do you do? You really remember that sting don’t you? Anyway, I guess it seems like for me now, as a mom and being “in the trenches” as they say – I often say too many negative things on my partner so that I can be/feel included and of course to feel understood because that’s really where my problem is sometimes. I just want to be understood. But again, I also have to remember – sometimes I can’t be and sometimes that isn’t the damn point anyway.

I also have to understand that my husband and I were raised differently and how I do things are specific to me and to me alone. My work ethic and how I just am – is to push the envelope. I don’t like being told I can’t and I will prove to you that I can. Maybe I won’t always be able to, but I like finding out firsthand before being told and saying that it really can’t be done. I’m stubborn and strong willed. I do not go quietly.

Someone asked if I had any 2011 goals – and I do. Just one really, and that is to simplify my life.

This new year brings about a lot of new things already, like a new house to call home and …

2011-01-05T15:31:00.000-08:00

So, I wanted to come back here and write that while yes I am struggling with some things. There are two (or perhaps three or four) sides to every story. In my 20's I did feel oppressed by my issues and my issues in my 20's are laughable in comparison to what I face in my 30's. Back in my 20's I would never really deal with the issues at hand and instead use temporary solutions (like drugs, alcohol, relationships, parties, etc) and seriously miss the point of the lessons to be had only to have them repeat themselves.

One thing I know is I love my husband and we will work it out. Another thing I know is, if I do remember to speak up - I know I can count on him. He is a completely reliable and lovable guy. I also need to remember that what you give is what you get..and like i stated in my previous post, ask myself sometimes - what is my part in this? I feel like another part of the equation is, we often are not just set in our own ways but we hold onto the ways of our partners. If we are affected by their harsh criticisms over and over again, you anticipate that anything from them is in fact going to be a negative. Instead of anticipating the partners reactions or thoughts, one just simply needs to listen.

Anyway, I am getting really excited about our move. The bigger kitchen, the backyard - which means, more baking and cooking is to be had AND perhaps with fresh eggs because we are thinking of having chickens!

I saw these chicken coops online and can't wait to start building! What do you think?

2011-01-04T11:44:00.000-08:00

On a recent venture to look at a place, mind you we had no intentions of actually moving to this place strictly because of our perception of the neighborhood, we had a big argument. An argument that we’ve had in the past (at least I feel we have) that has obviously never been resolved. Or maybe it is a new argument but the way we argue is always the same.

I think he does a great job at hearing me, but not so great at listening to what I have to say or why I am saying the things I am saying. Often I have said I felt overwhelmed and that I need more support from him. I feel like I support him in several ways at least in his commitment to his sobriety (he has been sober for more than 4 years!) and his teaching/career aspirations but I am sure there could be other areas where I can offer my support as I have done in the past, like with his photography hobby (bought a domain, created a website and encouraged him to do more with it) but it all seems to fall flat.

Each time I present something I feel – i.e. not being supported, or rather – I feel as though I do everything (but in no way means he does nothing) and I would like it if he spends so much of his time outside of the home following thru with his personal commitment to being a better person and remaining sober that he puts back in the time he misses with the family. I feel as though sometimes, he is there at home with me and the kid, but not actually participating. Just going about his usual business – and when I say these things. I am always met with fury. He deflects and becomes defensive and I understand because to him it is always a harsh criticism. He usually will start to say – how would you like it if I made apparent your flaws? And actually, I would like him to tell me, so that I can assess the trait and see if it’s something that I should be improving on and or if it’s a habit that I subconsciously do because like habits, you get used to them – but are they always productive or even necessary? No, not always. I would try and respond rather than react to his criticism. I think one of the key things is knowing and understanding (two different things) what sets you off. The criticism, I feel – is a source of feedback.

I read this about feeling criticized:

“The only problem is we are not usually in good position to recognize when we are wrong. Our partners, however, are usually in excellent position to recognize when we are wrong. They are also usually more than happy to point this out to us, in the hope that we will make corrections.”

“If you routinely shut out this valuable source of feedback, by always seeking to defend your actions or point of view, you will damage your relationships by not letting others contribute to you. You will continue to commit the same mistakes, over and over again, until the other person gets tired of this...and you as well.
The secret to dealing with criticism from others is not to reject it or act defensively. The secret is to listen intently to everything the other person is saying about you, and then try to find one or more things you can agree with! Don't automatically try to defend yourself or prove you are right. Instead, work very hard to validate, rather than reject, at least some of what the other person is saying.”

“Ben Franklin said, "The sting of another's criticism usually comes from the truth in it." If you want to have happy, healthy, long-lasting relationships, look for these "truths" and be willing to admit them.”

Funny thing about this is – yes, it does go both ways. And I’m perfectly fine with that. Often, when Charlie and I are in an argument he brings this very piece up = “we often don’t see or recognize what our part is in it” – and whenever he says something like this – in my head I scream – YES, EXACTLY!!!!!!!! But his intention is to fling my criticism back at me and to see my part in it all. And that is all fine and good, as I would like to be able to say and do – I would like more support and in having that I can be a better wife, a mother, a friend etc.. Yes, I can do my part and accept my responsibility of the situation but will you? It takes two and I need your support and help too.

Sometimes I feel like in order to present something I would like help on or something changed – I feel as though I have to rub his ego first. Present all the fluffy great things and then say, but it would really help me more if you did this. This gets tiring. Anyway, I don’t mind him giving me the feedback on my shit. I want him to call me on my shit. I mean that is part of being married. CALL ME ON MY SHIT. If I am doing something bat shit crazy and am completely and undeniably irrational and is not helping the situation or am worrying for no crazy reason – THEN CALL ME ON MY SHIT. I want that. I want to be provided that “mirror” – like dude, did you just hear what you said? Or wait, you want me to do what now? Why? Calling me on my shit is a preventative measure. It’s like putting the brakes when you see the yellow light come on..sure sometimes you just wiz pass thru the yellow light but sometimes, you really should just stop. But sometimes you don’t know because your internal shit ringer is off the hook or something or disconnected by years of bad relationships and bad behaviors – which is why you need your loving and trusting partner to…say it with me..CALL YOU ON YOUR SHIT. Sure sometimes it may feel as though you’ve just been thrown a pie in the face but moving forward, next time you’ll know when to duck, right? I kid, I kid.

ANYWAYS…we have both agreed that couples therapy might be a bright light at the end of the argument & resentment tunnel. I’ll write more on that in future posts.

As for this place we saw in the questionable neighborhood…I had been talking to my co-worker about going to see this place that Charlie’s friend had been mentioning off and on for about 6 months now. It’s only a few blocks from my work and it’s a house – all and all this is actually not that great because 1) I work in West Oakland..in a mostly commercial/industrial part of Oakland – that is seeing some redevelopment but with the economy it’s um lacking and showing how the economy is affecting it. 2) A house is great but again we go back to #1. I was asking my co-worker, but really talking out loud – how great would the house have to be to remove the cons of the neighborhood? We didn’t really answer that and I didn’t really think any more of it because I had already told myself this place couldn’t be a gem anyway so what’s the point. We’re only agreeing to seeing it – as the conversation went with Charlie on the drive over to the place and that we don’t even have to think anything.

Well..as we drive down Adeline (a street that in my opinion is like a dividing line – kind of like MacArthur is– when they say above or below) and turn on a street, I start to take notice of the neighborhood and actually think to myself – well this isn’t so bad..and then we turn down the street where the house is at and its lined with Queen Anne & Stick style Victorian houses and other types of single family homes and I’m thinking – for West Oakland, this isn’t THAT bad. Simply because in my head I had already pictured the worst case scenario of a neighborhood. As we kept driving…I say, don’t tell me – it’s that beautiful Victorian at the end there? Wow, that’s pretty lovely. Charlie is not amused. Charlie had to stay in the car with the kid because he was asleep so I went in to take a look first and that’s when the trouble started.

You walk in and you could already tell that this place was grand. Huge ceilings, huge rooms, hardwood floors and character. It reminded me of typical San Francisco Victorian homes where you had to live with 5-6 people just to make the rent. But the space couldn’t be beat. 3 bedrooms (we only have 2 now), a formal dining room, 1 bathroom (that’s twice as big as we have now) with a claw foot tub, and a kitchen the size of our bedroom that has a breakfast nook. OH, and it has a nice backyard! I mean..my insides were tingling with pleasure, my eyes were wide..i was in love. I wanted this place. I started having fantasies of having a life there in the mere minutes I was in the house. I was salivating. I could see all these pros with only one con – the neighborhood is different from ours. I can’t say it’s terrible at least not from facts but from everyone’s perception yes, its not the greatest neighborhood. And this is why Charlie did not want the house. He continued to have this glum look on his face because he had made up his mind long before even looking at the house that NO WE ARE NOT MOVING HERE INTO THIS NEIGHBORHOOD…anyway, long story short we are moving. Some of me is having second thoughts and asking – did I bully him into this? Should he have called me on my shit (probably)? Is this really ideal? Is it really that bad of a neighborhood? Is our neighborhood now, really ideal? Is it really that good? – the answers were kind of surprising.

I’ll write more when I get pictures of the place up..oh and here is my old post on moving into the place we are moving out of… ARGHHHH…I HATE MOVING!!!!!!!!!!!

Here is an old picture of the house before they repainted and revamped it. I'll post up pictures of how it looks now once we get our keys!

gratitude

2010-12-21T09:36:00.000-08:00

Thank you to the anonymous commenter. Your words were really touching and the fact that you took the time to comment was just awesome. All in all, a wonderful little gift. Thank you. (Sorry that the Thank you was past due. I had written a whole new post because of it but never got around to publishing it.)

Anyway, here is something I was sent to off of a daily digest on a support group I am a part of:

"The sense of the harvest celebration of Thanksgiving plenty is pretty much lost in a world where turkey is frozen in the meat counter and corn comes in cans."

By Tom Chaney

Seize the Day!

The holidays are upon us again. We've got by Thanksgiving with Christmas and the New Year hoving into view.

For many of us, this time of year is a depressing time -- one which should be filled with joy. The sense of the harvest celebration of Thanksgiving plenty is pretty much lost in a world where turkey is frozen in the meat counter and corn comes in cans.

Ever since Halloween we have been bombarded with the advent of Christmas. On the year's best/worst shopping day -- Black Friday -- reports of greedy mobs grabbing the newest electronic gadgets make a mockery of the ideal of peace and renewal that is Christmas.

Forty years ago a friend of mine in southeastern Kentucky informed her family that they were going to celebrate Christmas in an old fashioned way. No gifts or ornaments were allowed unless they were made by the giver. A few days after she made this announcement, I asked her youngest son what kind of Christmas he was expecting.

"Old fashioned," he replied -- his twelve-year-old voice dripping with sarcasm.

"What kind is that?" I queried.

"Cheap!" he replied.

But, strip away the glitzy electronics and the rampant greed -- the bad music and gaudy decorations, and we are left with some important values to celebrate.

Of course there is the renewal of the ties of family and friendship.

The generosity toward those in need comes into play.

There is more.

We celebrate the passing of time and life -- recalling friends and family lost to that passing.

In a Thanksgiving presentation on National Public Radio one commentator quoted former poet laureate Billy Collins. "All poetry is about death," he said. Poetry is one of the ways we come to terms with that specter. The poet helps us tie up death, grief and sorrow into a bundle and put it aside so that we may continue to live.

I think often of a little poem by Emily Dickenson:
The bustle in a house
The morning after death
Is solemnest of industries
Enacted upon earth.

The sweeping up the heart
And putting love away
We shall not want to use again
Until eternity.

Or the plaintive cry of Dylan Thomas:
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

So, with the help of time and a bit of poetry, we manage to continue with our petty affairs beyond the deaths of those we love -- knowing that life, not love has gone.

But one of the poignant beauties of the holidays -- Thanksgiving, Christmas, the New Year -- is the practice of unwrapping the bundles of the dead to celebrate their lives, their food, their things. We take the injunction "seize the day" quite seriously, since there is nothing else left to grasp save our little allotment of time.

William Faulkner, referring here to the south, might have been speaking of the proper savoring of life itself when he said "The past is not gone, it's not even past."

So let our holidays be the time when folks gone are present once again.

Find the axe that father used to cut down the cedar tree on a friend's farm -- go not to the seller of Christmas trees spread out like used cars on a lot.

Bring out the old ornaments connected with past Christmases for decoration.

Let it be the time when mother's recipe for boiled custard is served in the old jelly glasses she used at Christmas.

And, most of all, remember the stories that are our past.

Tell of the eighty-year-old aunt who left her house on an icy Christmas morning and found her car doors frozen shut -- all but one in the back seat -- and who clambered over into the driver's seat only to discover the car wouldn't start. Who crawled out the same way, called a neighbor to get her car started and made it into town in time for biscuits and ham and gifts and stories.

And remember Christmas of 1945 when the joy of peace brought the cousins home from war -- cousins all gone now -- full of optimism for life once again, sadly rejoicing in their escape from the fire that consumed their friends. Forgiven for the moment -- they spiked their custard with a little too much of "Oh! Be Joyful" -- and by Christmas next that joy had consumed them.

And recall that before there was Christmas, the celebration of the death and the promise of new life in the earth marked the depth of winter and the life of spring emerging from the dying of the old year.

Let us set aside the greed and gaudy trappings of the modern holidays.

Let us be sensitive to the holy dead -- the cloud of unseen witnesses out of which we have emerged and whom we will join all too soon.

"Seize the Day!" It is what we have before the final dark.

2010-12-13T15:09:00.000-08:00

So we are back from Hawaii. I don’t think I am mentally back yet and emotionally? That’s been hiding deep in a dark cave for awhile and so I guess I am kind of admitting that right now. I don’t know what is wrong with me, no scratch that I do. I am absolutely torn in ways that I can’t fully explain to anyone. I am completely used to being independent and self sustaining, able to pick myself up from whatever life may throw at me or so I thought and that was my life up until my mom killed herself 2 month before I became a mother myself. I know, you are probably tired of me going back into that dungeon but that is my life and this blog is about my life, right?

Part of me wants to scream and cry and be angry and upset and be all whiny about it and show that I am in pain (not all of the time, but every once and awhile) – which is not like me or rather not how I am perceived to be. The other part wants to go as if it’s business as usual – which is what I do but sometimes that takes a toll on me and since I am not a person that usually asks for help I just go about my day and try and forget and it just builds up and then I don’t know.

Part of me also would like it if my husband did more but how do you ask without making it seem like he does less because whenever I have asked he always takes offense as if I am saying he doesn’t do anything at all. I am tired most of the time. I am tired of having to ask or think up of all sorts of stuff for myself and my family. You would think having been in Hawaii I would have learned to relax and I sort of did but it was still hard on me and I would have liked it not to be. And it wasn’t anyone’s fault for that but my own.

How do you give yourself more (of anything, time, treats, care etc.) without taking away from something (or someone) else and without feeling guilty and feeling as if it’s a selfish act to do so. I’m not trying to be a martyr here I’m just sayin..I’ve tried to worry less about things getting done in my time or exactly how/when I would like them to be done. I am trying to let go of my expectations but I often feel like I’m not asking for THAT much, just something that someone is partly not used to doing ever for oneself.

Anyway, that’s my rant and ramble for right now..moving on..

Having stayed at this Japanese family’s home while in Hawaii (Kalama Valley neighborhood – near Hawaii Kai area, windward side) who have 2 little girls and one on the way, I was just in awe and would like to tidy up my own home in the same manner. Put away items out of sight and only have a few pieces out. This family, despite having little children, had amazing Danish and modern (expensive!) furniture. Although it made me smile to see that there were permanent marker doodles on the hardwood floors and even on the Barcelona furniture (though I think they were knock offs). The home was just lovely. Sadly we never took any pictures of it! It had wrap around decks and a beautiful view.

So now I’m itching to redecorate and rearrange furniture. I’m planning on making the second bedroom, which was Jax’s playroom, our reading room/den type space since Jax never plays or sleeps in there anyway. And having part of our bedroom sectioned off as Jax’s play space and bedroom since it is big enough to divide it in that way. I want to put all our books and our desk into the other bedroom and I’m even thinking of putting the TV there but then again it won’t be a reading room if that’s the case, instead it would be the TV room. Sigh, we shall see if any of this comes to fruition.

they are only taking Advantage of you

2010-11-30T08:39:00.000-08:00

Wow..and yet, so sad that people will still fall prey to this scam. but pretty inventive (or not really) by changing the scam into one that is supposed to help those who had fallen victim to scams (just checked this isnt really that new). seriously people, if its too good to be true, than it probably is.

Attention:

My name is Mrs. Ruizena Santiago,; I am a US citizen, 49 years Old. I reside. I live at 3775 Oleander Dr Highland, Ca 92346, United States, am thinking of moving since I am now wealthy. I am one of those that took part in the Compensation in Nigeria many years ago and they refused to pay me, I had paid over $42,000 while in the US, trying to get my payment all to no avail.So I decided to travel down to Nigeria with all my compensation documents, and I was directed to meet Mr. Paul Michael, who is the member of COMPENSATION AWARD COMMITTEE and a Human Rights Activist (Lawyer), and I contacted him and he explained everything to me. He said whoever is contacting us through emails are fake. He took me to the paying bank for the claim of my Compensation payment. Right now I am the happiest woman on earth because I have received my compensation funds amounting to $1.500, 000.00 Moreover, Mr. Paul Michael, showed me the full information of those that are yet to receive their payments and I saw y

They are only making money out of you. I will advise you to contact: Mr. Paul Michael.

You have to contact him directly on this information below.

COMPENSATION AWARD HOUSE

Name: Mr. Paul Michael (Barrister)

Email:barr_paulmich10001@rogers.com

New Africa House (12th Floor), 31 Marina, Lagos Island, Lagos

You really have to stop dealing with those people that are contacting you and telling you that your fund is with them, it is not in anyway with them, they are only taking Advantage of you and they will dry you up until you have nothing.The only money I paid after I met Mr. Paul Michaelwas just$385 for the paper works take note of that. Once again stop contacting those people, I will advise you to contact Mr. Paul Michael so that he can help you to deliver your fund instead of dealing with those liars that will be turning you around asking for different kind of money to complete your transaction

Thank You and Be Blessed.

Mrs.Ruizena Santiago,

sruizena@y7mail.com

3775 Oleander Dr Highland Ca 92346,USA.

United State of America.

Rant

2010-11-18T16:18:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling quite overwhelmed as of late. Actually I haven’t really had time to stretch/meditate or take a decent break or stopped to smell the roses or just do a whole lot of nothing since 1) being pregnant 2) losing my mother 3) becoming a mother and then 4) going back to work…now on top of these, these new things - 5) getting daycare (and adjusting to the schedule and the payment of) 6) adjusting to my husband’s work schedule 7) going from 2 cars to 1 car (meaning, with husband’s schedule – I do the drop off and pick up) plus the other normal things that are constant: 8) keeping the house and household in order, which means budget, pay the bills, cook and when I can – tidy the house along with making plans – trips to see family and friends, holiday stuff, etc…

Around the holidays I have realized, since my mother’s death, that I can get very on edge. And in defense of my husband – no one asks me to take on all of this. I do it to myself, I do. And if nobody asks me to, then why do it? Because who else will?

I know men and women are different (as much as I would like to object, its kinda true) and I tried really hard to not come off as nagging or criticizing last night when I spoke to my husband about the lack of help I’ve been feeling at home - which only blew up in my face. I think sometimes he hears differently than what I have actually said. And even what he had stated after it blew up in my face I wanted to say – listen to what you just told me. Which went something like this - Most often people are more aware of what others are doing (or not doing) rather than realizing what they are doing (or not doing) themselves (or something like that). Because if in fact, he were to have listened to his pearl of wisdom, maybe he would have taken a moment to do a little self inspection. Here I was trying to say that I am overwhelmed (and you know in hindsight, I should have just said – I AM OVERWHELMED. More on that later) and instead he heard – YOU ARE FAILING AS A PARENT AND HUSBAND.

This all came about because he had asked if we had any plans this weekend. I said, thankfully we have nothing. Which is what I wanted. To which he said, did I mention I tentatively have plans to help someone out between 12-1 pm and then quite possibly at 1:30 – 2:30 pm also. Is that ok, he asks me. And from my sighs, I am sure he didn’t think so. And the thing is – it is ok, so as long as he put back the time into our family and household duties somehow. So of course, hes like – well I can not do it too. And my response is - that’s not necessary. I know he has these commitments and it is important to and for him (sorry, can't elaborate more). Anyway, its just that often, in my opinion, he will over-extend himself for these commitments or to other people but NOT over-extend himself for me or for the sake of the family. Anyway, so back to the argument. I then say that it would be nice if he could manage some of the load here at home too. While I understand the needs to do those other things, by doing those other things, means you take away from here and it kind of gets neglected. To which he blows up at me. And it turns out he was adding this conversation on top of another conversation we had had earlier in the evening where I asked if he was subbing tomorrow, which he wasn’t so that meant he was available in the morning and wouldn’t go to work until about 1ish. To which I said (at the earlier part of the evening) great, that means you’d be able to tidy up the house a bit (like handle the pile of dishes?). And then we had another conversation about his work and how they only pay once a month (WTF!?) at the end of the month and ate our dinner which then lead to him asking about our weekend schedule AFTER we were done eating. Time elapsed from first conversation about tidying up the house to in my head, a different topic of household duties and obligations and time management = 2 hours. I guess that’s not long enough to be thought of as a separate thing.

Anyway, he began to say – you just have to do the best you can and sometimes the best you can is doing nothing. I am doing the best I can and sometimes I can’t get to everything. and what he had to say was true.

Well,for me - I really would like to have the best I can be nothing right now. And I’m sorry but sometimes – the best someone can do doesn't necessarily mean it was all they can do. In order to grow and challenge oneself, we should always be able to offer and or do more. To do things one isn't quite comfortable doing only because they perhaps don't think they CAN do it in the first place. I like to think that I tend to do more and better than what is expected of myself. I may be lazy but, damn if I try and shoot for mediocrity. And this is by no means me saying that my husband is mediocre. Because he isn’t. He is so much more than he allows himself to be and or to admit and or notice. Maybe my way of supporting him and pushing him just pushes him in the wrong direction. I probably could do a lot more supporting than pointing out what our household lacks. but, you see - its cause I AM OVERWHELMED. I said these very words after we were in our heated discussion and STILL I got chewed out because of course, now i've hurt my husband's feelings and have nagged and brought down my own house. sigh....i know, its my own damn fault.

~~If only..~~

Sometimes, when I ask you – please watch the kid as he is playing at the top of the stairs, I really mean – please be closer than 6 feet so that if he wobbles, he doesn’t fall down the stairs. and even though you may think this is highly unlikely to happen. amuse me while all the while comforting me and just suck it up and stand right next to him and let him play. this will have me feel better and less worried DESPITE the fact that your reaction to it is quite the opposite.

and sometimes....oh forget it..its almost time to go pick the kid up at daycare..

Wish list

2010-11-12T14:19:00.000-08:00

I wish I had this sofa instead of the one we have and right now its sale price is about the same price we paid for the uncomfortable but stylish looking sofa we have now. But on the bright side, the sofa we have now works well for guests to sleep on. This sofa above, probably not. But I bet its a lot more comfortable to sit on. (*apparently it isnt as stated by customers comment. Comfy sofa = FAIL)

that is all for now. i have a few drafts of a real post but im too lazy and too tired (and suffering from a headache) to bother to post it. sorry. i want to crawl under a rock right now. thankfully, the weekend is upon us. and the silver lining of it all is - our trip to hawaii is 22 days away! (yes, i decided to continue with our hawaii plans. thanks Cat & Amy for the pep talk).

**Update. I should have made this post about fails today.

Fail #1 - as I looked at my online bank statement, i noticed that there was another charge by the movie theatre we went to yesterday on our parents day off. $15.75 for the movie - check. $5.75 - what the hell? whats that for? So i called them only to realize in the middle of the phone ringing that it was the kids combo pack that charlie got at the concessions stand.. oops, my bad. it was too late to hang up. so i was all - hiya, um, what you guys got playin? oh nevermind, i'll just check online. FAIL.

Fail #2 - For a week now, I have been carrying around charlie's broken bluetooth in my purse. the plastic thingy you put around your ear snapped off and so he just uses the speaker phone (still a step up from what he used to have. his dinosaur of a phone previous to this didnt even have speaker phone!) so i thought i could epoxy it together at work. well, i finally remembered to do it today and mixed the epoxy and everything and then went to search my bag for the bluetooth and well..the bluetooth i have, the plastic thingy, nowhere to be found..you think he would notice if i used a paper clip instead? FAIL.

Fail #3 - i was thinking of surprising charlie by picking him up after work instead of having him take the bart back. He usually would have ridden his bike but something happened to it this morning, if i remember correctly (it was 6 am, i was still brain dead). But then i just remembered that his mother and stepdad are coming into town tonight so i should probably be home to let them in our house. Awesome wife = FAIL..Awesome daughter-in-law = FAIL Thwarted! SUCCESS!

ok, that is all...

2010-11-03T10:58:00.000-07:00

How much is Hawaii going to cost me?

If I was to believe the internets, it would cost a family of four $559 a day, or a couple $793 a day..A DAY! WHAT?! INSANE. If this were the truth, then there is no way we could go to Hawaii. $600x7 days = $4200 WTF!?

So how much is this trip to Hawaii really gonna cost me, ahem ME (a cheap and frugal person who likes roughing it and doesn’t even need a shower everyday (or um every other (third) day))?

1. Flight to Hawaii – this was so graciously covered by my Dad. ($320 RT for each person, it helps to go on an off season) = $0
2. Lodging – I found a Bed & Breakfast for the same amount as a dirt cheap hotel on Waikiki and this is in someone’s spectacular home AWAY from Waikiki and includes breakfast each day (actually its not really a B&B its really just staying at someone’s home, I think) = $510 includes meals, taxes and the added charge for the kid – for the 7 nights stay.
3. Rental car = $150-$180 for the week with insurance
4. Groceries = $75 for the week for dinner (B&B has a kitchen and I’m thinking we will eat dinners in)
5. Lunch = $15/a day- we have to try and eat something local as part of being a tourist, right? Shrimp trucks anyone?

=$835 - $900 for a couple with a toddler or $120 - 130/ a day. So if I can save about $100 a day (HA! Oh wait. Bye bye cable!) I think we should still do it and again, what are credit cards for?

Bahhh, I’m still torn! We had to shuffle money around just to make the daycare payment for 2 weeks (one week last week, plus this week and so on and so on and so on..) Ugh, this amongst other crap is stressing me out. But on the good news front (besides the Giants winning the World Series) my husband got a substitute teaching gig at the school he is already working at as the after school teacher – so he’ll actually be working like 10 hours! Good luck hubby on your day 2.

*And thanks Cat, I know. My gut (no, more like my soul) tells me to GO GO GO..but my worry wart side says NO NO NO..but when will we have a chance again? I am afraid that answer to that will be never.

dilemma

2010-11-02T11:11:00.000-07:00

I’ve been pretty stressed out to say the least, lately. It looks like we jumped the gun on the Hawaii thing as it turns out my Dad and brother will be moving back to the mainland sooner than expected and well – we still have the tickets but now no place to stay and or funds & family to enjoy Oahu with. Oh but of course there are places to stay – yeah, it just costs money that we really don’t have to spare right now. But I am soooo torn. For one, this would have been my first trip to Hawaii and only one a few trips on a plane since I became all legit and shit. Two, if we do decide not to go and take the vouchers for our flight – when would we be able to go again? Would we make room for it? My kid wont be free once he turns two – which is still a year away – so that’s ok, but also we were thinking of having a second around the time our first was two so – would we not only have the time but the money then to go? ARRGHHH!!! Three, we could choose a better date to go – one that would fall on my husband’s vacation days as well as my kids day care – but that also happens to be tourist season in Hawaii, which means more money. AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHH! What do I do?

If we do decide to go. I found cheap accommodation for the week ($500) but only a kitchenette so we would have to eat out? But could eat left overs on the other days. So food would be an added expense PLUS a rental car ($150 for the week). So it would probably cost us $800 to go to Hawaii. And Since we both are taking a week of NON PAID Vacation from work – really we are losing more. PLUS we STILL have to pay my kid’s daycare $350 for the week he WONT be there. So really this is going to cost us about $2300. Yes, I did the math. When I get stressed out – I tend to do spreadsheets and budgetize my life all the way to 2012. I’m serious.

BAHHHHH, help! What should we do??!!

2010-10-08T12:20:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned that we are going to Hawaii in December? No? Oh, well - WE ARE GOING TO HAWAII, in December! I am beyond excited. You might be asking yourself – how the hell can you afford this? The thing is I can’t. We can’t. but both my Dad and brother now live there (for the time being. Contract job with a TV Show.) and so my Dad decided to buy us tickets to visit him! He wanted something sooner, even said why not have my his grandson's birthday be celebrated over there but that didn’t work out and October we had other plans already and November - eh, so December it is. Roundtrip for one person was $300 – the first week of December. If you check now actually they still have cheap flights on Hawaiian Air for about $320 RT and you could spend Christmas in paradise instead of the cold.

Anyway, I can’t fucking wait! I spend a few minutes of everyday at work daydreaming of where to go, what to do etc.. and hope and pray that a) the weather will still be nice b) my toddler will be okay on the 5 hour plane ride (time to buy a portable dvd player?!) and c) I don’t freakin get my period while there, cause that would just SUCK.

My Dad and bro are staying in Waikiki – while, great for urbanites and people who hit the bars and go shopping. not so great for folks who one of them doesn’t touch the stuff and well – im still breast feeding and have long ago put my lush days behind me. But still – its Hawaii people! I say this cause whenever I do tell someone or look up Oahu and or Waikiki recommendations with a kid – people are like :/ or o_0 and saying things like - if you can avoid it, avoid it and go to another island…blah blah blah..HELLO – its still HAWAII, and December in Waikiki is much more fun and enjoyable in oh say December at my house, in the wood,s wearing 5 layers of clothing trying to save money on heat. So, I think I will continue to think I am going off to paradise in a couple of months, thank you very much.

anyways..if you've been before any must sees, tips or what have yous for Oahu? I think we will try and go to another island but eh, im just good as long as i get to go in the water. We'll be there for a whole week!

Happy Friday!

2010-10-07T14:02:00.000-07:00

I have a stabbing headache. like an ice pick stabbing a point right above my right temple that is also smooshing my eye and not to mention, it fucking hurts like hell.

lets see what else. i have been attempting to clean up my office today, but keep getting interrupted by a) the phone (bah, work) b) my co-worker's requests (sheesh, hello - im working here) and c) the dangfangled internet. (ok so this is not work. research? - yes, that is part of my "work")

so back to that headache..its really hard to get anything done, i tell you. what with the throbbing and distractions.

ok. that is all.

hey, its me again!

2010-10-04T11:50:00.000-07:00

yes, here I am again..yipee..there are so many ideas swirling and foaming in my head and I can feel my body get antsy from time to time not knowing what to do with it – to listen, to create, to follow thru or do as I have been doing – nothing and ignore them..which then builds up to something 10x more than what antsy feels like that inevitably explodes and makes a mess of both my husband and myself. after the previous post and our big talk I have been trying to be more mindful of when I get antsy and so I make sure I tackle it when it’s small and easy.

if you know me well enough, you’d know that I’m somewhat of a dreamer and that I often bite off more than I can chew. I day dream throughout the day while having one foot in the real world. I have high hopes for what I can actually do but it’s all built up from fantasy. and then there’s the fact that I’m lazy which amounts to a whole lot of nothing sometimes. not a great role model for a kid, im sure.
some things on my fantasy to do list (which changes from minute to minute and actually is probably more at number 5 gazillion – these are ideas remember?):

1. make a stilt house (since we dont have a tree in our side yard). But in reality, it will probably be just a platform (using a pallet) with solid 4x4 posts and thats it - no walls.

2. put up some wood to be makeshift step ladders on a tree that is great for climbing – right outside our front porch. Possibly put up a swing?

3. find some nice pallets to use for the front yard deck (and for use as part of #1)– technically it is the size of one yard of fabric, maybe wee bit more.

4. find an affordable patch of land to build a small getaway cabin – ahh yes, I do dream a lot.
things were on the up and up today – my coworker as he was leaving goes – do you have a bike? No, I said but I want one..and BAM – he gave me a vintage Schwinn Sprint that needs 2 new tires. He said his neighbor was just going to throw it away.

Now if only the universe could send out … well, lots of stuff I’d really like, but I won’t push my luck. Thanks Universe.

2010-10-03T11:34:00.000-07:00

“that one of the best gifts you can give yourself is permission to suck sometimes. We grow up too entitled - we expect life to unfold in a way that validates our world view. Pregnancy, birth, kids, marriage... we make it all mean more than it should in terms of our performance. We're just this throbbing mess of ego in everything we do. We demand to feel gratified at all times or else it's all angst and knuckle-biting and it's inhumane. It's a humbling and a healthy thing to be open to messing up.

When you embrace your own occasional suck, it's easier to shake off panic and demoralization. You just roll up your sleeves and do what comes next. It's very freeing. It's the only mantra that will ever result in an improved second draft of anything.” - Kate Inglis via ohdeedoh

wow, I mean, YES! BRILLIANT! I have been refraining from writing my true feelings (and self) for a long time, actually for over a year now, both here and on my old blog but that’s not exactly why I’m finally writing a (hopefully) decent post today. It was after reading this interview that I had realized – I need to fess up to my mess and stop feeling like I’m doing everything while someone isn’t and that isn’t fair attitude, wahhh. but the truth of the matter is, I am NOT doing all I can and I really don’t have to do it all either. I was thinking that I was doing it all and pretending that my stress and other things tripping me up were because someone else was not doing anything. You see, I was too busy to notice my own short comings by focusing on how someone else wasn't doing anything (the way I would like them to) to help make it better.

this person happens to be my husband. now, I don’t want to open my bag of excuses (for having been the asshole while thinking he was the asshole the whole time) here, but the past year has been tumultuous for me to say the least. Life & death wanted to teach me a lesson and not necessarily in that order. And I am still struggling with that and I’m pretty sure that will be the case for as long as I live, and I am accepting of that. The problem started because of a lack of communication. I couldn’t exactly convey my feelings to my husband about my grief (I still don’t know how to express it in words sometimes) which then snowballed into I couldn’t convey anything to him about anything. It weighed me down so much that it started to take on new shapes and sizes and started to devastate other areas of myself as a person, and especially as a wife. I started to believe that it wasn’t (only) my issues that I had difficulties with but that it was my husband. Which lead me to believe that everything was his fault. When, the truth is – the only thing he is guilty of is allowing this breakdown of communication to go on for so long. Ok, so that’s not entirely his fault either.

But I digress. We had a big big talk this past week and it’s as if some weight has been lifted. I feel a little lighter and more understood especially after a couple of days of allowing more of my own mess and hang ups to sink in and then reading this today helped to sort of seal the deal (and get Charlie off the hook). One of my biggest hang ups is not being understood (its part of the human condition, is it not?) I just wanted to be understood, but how can you understand someone if you don’t know the language – kind of like how it is between Jax and us sometimes, poor kid. Charlie confessed to saying he couldn’t understand because he hadn’t had anyone close to him die but when that happens he will have the capacity to support me better. But it’s something I would never wish for him (or anyone if it was possible) to have to go thru.

At first though this big big talk we had was not going well (for Charlie, in my perspective) because after dumping my issues out, crying and stating he was being selfish, not contributing to the family’s needs and being insensitive to my feelings. His response was – Ok, well I am doing better each and every day and I am just going to continue in this manner because it works for me. In fact, a lot of people have been telling me how much I have grown and changed and I feel good about that and myself. Things are good and going well for me..and so on and so forth..which infuriated me. In my head I was like? WTF? did you not hear me? so I said in a very calm voice (no, of course not) If I am not happy and feel like things aren’t working then this is part of your problem too. Which did no good, because now as I write this I can see where he found fault in it which triggered him to say what he said next. It sounded like I was asking him to fix ME. But that wasn’t what I had meant. It’s hard sometimes because well – men like facts. Instances, examples of a situation when you say they are being selfish or an asshole. Actual, concrete examples that make sense to them. I have to remember that we indeed are different and that is a good thing because if we were the same, we could never grow. Anyway, wow this is getting long – sorry.

So, the more he spoke and the more I allowed myself to listen (and tried not to interrupt) the more I understood. He started to speak of things he would like to do for himself to contribute more and support our family. He was going to rearrange and shift his priorities to continue improving in the manner he thinks he is already headed…I started to feel heard (by listening), and understood and the weight was slowly lifting..we hugged and I cried. It felt as if a lot more doors had been opened and we were finally on the same page.

Yesterday, things started to snap into place. It started when I mentioned I was having a crappy day on facebook. I was reminded of things (and was properly put in my place) and it brought things into perspective. And today, like I said - after reading the interview, it just all started to make sense.

So I fucked up. I really had made a mess of things, thinking it was someone else or something else’s fault. I was continually going outside of myself to find faults and excuses instead of looking in the mirror (thanks Michael, I will take a look at myself and make that change). I was also missing out on the great things to be happy about.

if we truly allow ourselves to mess up sometimes, we may actually learn something, that is if we can fess up to messing up.

I love you Charlie. I'm sorry I used you as a scapegoat.

** But I still get frustrated. easily. im human and i also get stuck on the idea that change happens instantly and it doesnt. and sometimes it's as though having the talk is the only change that comes about. so things pretty much stay the same (frustrating) - but again, change doesnt happen over night. I just wish I didnt have to repeat myself.

this was originally on my other blog but it really should be here.

2010-08-23T16:27:00.000-07:00

Spam from beyond the grave

2010-07-28T13:54:00.000-07:00

why thank you mr. spam bot for startling me today with an email from my mom. i went to my junk email folder this morning to find one lonely email - with her name as the sender. my heart skipped and my stomach sank and i had a bit of a nanosecond flash of a daydream that portrayed the possibility of my mom still actually alive. way to start the morning i tell ya. and today, my gawd, today - the phone would NOT. STOP. RINGING. it was like a monkey on my back. i would start writing a proposal and then the phone..start completing a sentence and then the PHONE. i would try and type again and then the EFFIN PHONE. it was mighty annoying to say the least.

oh and so in my imaginary jar - in which i would put $1 in for every time i see/hear something on tv or in the media or just in conversation, about suicide - is $5. the first dollar was from some tv show and right now i kind of cant remember it but the second time was the most astonishing and one that triggered me to continue the tally. we were at a 1st birthday party and cw was playing with the older kids in the kiddie pool as i watched my son. the two kids, about 5-6 years old or so were "attacking" cw with water guns...and one of the kid all of a sudden says - we want you to go and kill yourself. anyway, in less than a week - 3 more instances came up. Is it surprising? i dont know, maybe..or maybe because I've been touched by suicide that every time that it comes up my ears perk up and my heart sinks a little.

on a much happier note - we are off to LA for a wedding and birthday. It will be nice to see old friends and watch Jax get all excited with the attention. It will also be nice to be in warmer weather and to go swimming and hit the beach!

one year later..

2010-07-14T16:21:00.000-07:00

“People so seldom say I love you And then it's either too late or love goes. So when I tell you I love you, It doesn't mean I know you'll never go, Only that I wish you didn't have to.”

“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.”

Monday was the one year anniversary of my mother’s death. I thought I would cry more but I didn’t and although that sounds harsh, it’s a relief. It’s really acceptance. Last night, I looked thru old pictures my brother found in their garage when they moved from LA to Oregon. I never realized how beautiful my mother was. Looking at those old pictures reminiscing and missing her and trying to find clues in her face of when it was that life started to fall apart. As if that moment could be captured, but perhaps. I guess its natural to try and find answers in that way. To dig thru the past especially when it comes to surviving a suicide loss.

Most people look for answers especially when there was no note left, as if having a note will answer any of the questions one has. I got a note and no, it did not answer any questions. In fact even more questions are raised by leaving a note, at least in my opinion because I will never have a chance to dissuade the thoughts my mother had when she wrote what she wrote. I can never enter a dialogue or a discussion to prove what she thought and what she wrote was wrong. Nor can I tell her that these thoughts may indeed pass and that maybe tomorrow would bring a brighter day for her.

As my son nears his first birthday, I can not be more elated and amazed at what I have been able to accomplish and survive. But in a way its all bittersweet. The joys I feel, the happiness, the smiles and laughter we have also tugs my heart with a little sadness, that my mother isn’t (at least not physically) here to bear witness. Part of the sadness stems from the idea that if she were to have been here, to have waited before going completely over the edge, that she would have found happiness in being a grandmother…

Anyways..

Interestingly enough, as I watched a few items online (movies & tv shows) this past week, it seems the topic of suicide is an unavoidable circumstance. As an experiment, I think I am going to drop a coin in a jar for every time the topic of suicide or bi polar disorder appears on tv/movies I watch. I mean, even if I wanted to try and forget how my mother died, the world seems intent on reminding me.

So…

This year I will participate once again in the AFSP Out of the Darkness walk in Oakland. It’s on October 16th at Lake Merritt – a day after my birthday and 10 days before my Mom’s 55th birthday. If you would like to support me and make a donation, you can do so here. ♡ Thank you ♡

ps. if you can, you can walk with me :)

Dear friend ! h

2010-07-08T09:51:00.000-07:00

I have a Japanese friend told me that he worked in a Japanese company. I visited the company he worked for and found the products very favorable. And there are many product versions, such as the European version, American version, and the Asian version and so on. All company's products take photos for the true products. I suggest you should have a look in this website. There is the company website :http:// , You can enjoy a lot of benefits in the second shopping time. Thank you ! t

this was in my junk mail, I happen to think spam mail is pretty entertaining.

not much

2010-06-21T13:58:00.000-07:00

I stumbled on this blog (which looks like isn’t updated anymore) and was highly amused by it J.

I got addicted to yet another canceled show.

I can't believe they cancelled Law & Order BUT that there is a new Law & Order Los Angeles.

this post is absolutely pathetic. what? it's Monday.

2010-06-11T12:01:00.000-07:00

"Little by little does the trick." - Aesop

"What we call little things are merely the causes of great things; they are the beginning, the embryo, and it is the point of departure which, generally speaking, decides the whole future of an existence. One single black speck may be the beginning of a gangrene, of a storm, of a revolution." - Henri Frederic Amiel

So baby steps it is. Adjusting to motherhood, family life and living paycheck to paycheck. It all gives me pause because like it or not, I now know (and more importantly understand *gasp* what my parents went thru raising two children on meager salaries. Sure, life was simpler then. No bills associated with modern technology. Just your average and free – face to face or snail mail (ok so postage isn’t free) interaction. Now we have facebook, twitter, ipads and applesauce (i.e. a slew of Apple products). We want want want without knowing, understanding and simply just forgetting what it is that we need need need.

I went to a mother’s retreat a few weeks back and well, what I learned is that I already know what it is that I have to do. But the problem is, I really don’t think its fair for me to do it. But then I guess the answer to that excuse is, as always stated by my parents was that life is not fair. Yeah, but that doesn’t mean its okay nor does that mean I have to take it. Do I?

Anyway, so little by little does the trick. Slowly but surely I am getting the hang of juggling my exhausting life. Now next up is learning to be a wife again, in all fairness as cw says – its much easier being a parent then it is being a spouse.

Okay, so there is my little bit of a scattered, half brained attempt at a post. For now, that’s all ive got. Baby steps..

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T19:41:00.000-07:00

ok so i may have fibbed a little. i didnt have as much time as i wanted to finish (or start) writing the post i had been anticipating publishing. instead i had a really hard time getting thru today. i went about ignoring things. i had masked it and tried to pretend it would be okay but the truth is i wasnt. i wanted to spend the day just sleeping. mostly because i wanted to ignore what today meant. today being mothers day and all. i had plans to go do this group thing at the lake and then things just werent working out in that direction it was just easier to give up. yes, i made excuses. but then i decided i would still do what i was going to do at the lake - remember my mom and make a luminaries bag. and then i remembered i had found this old mother's day card i made for her years ago, back in 1998 (thats the front of it, above and yes, thats lil me at about 3 years old. i think).

it read (left side):

M♥M,

I hope you know that i think about you always. take care of yourself and remember that I love you. I know in the past we weren't much of buddies or mother and daughter, but thats the past. We must revel in the present to forge on to the future.

Dont worry about not offering me the treasures of the world, because I enjoy one of the wonder's of the world = you, my mother.

Enjoy your day. relax, don't worry! there is plenty of time.

P.s. I enjoy your cards.

Love,
Cherlyn

(Right side):

Dearest Mommy,

I LOVE YOU!

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

You were there then and still are now! Well of course you were then, you gave birth to me, silly lil' me. now I'm all grown up and in a university, tryin to make you proud.

then there is a picture of me (in 1998 - oh my gawd! yuck) - from then till now, all grown up with a mind of my own. (and then in smaller print) - This is probably going to get you late! Sorry!

-----

this is my first mothers day as a mother myself and my first one without my own mother. just reading and writing that out, i mean I'm speechless (and balling my eyes out) - all of it is true and can be said now of course. well, except the fact that there isn't plenty of time because your gone. how foolish of me to think there really was plenty of time and i guess i beat myself up for choosing so late in life to try and understand you and your own trials and tribulations. I'm so sorry mom. i love you and i miss you.

place holder

2010-05-06T09:35:00.000-07:00

I have a few posts written up (or in my head) and some things i really want to share but it will have to wait until Friday or Sunday (Mother's day!) when I have more time to devote to having a proper post up.

Until then visit these sites (or not, i'm just sayin..):

- unpiano/music - if you are ever in the need of new or old music check this site out and have a listen.
- hmm..very interesting, you dont say? - stuff, just stuff to read from the makers of woooo magazine
- Colors Magazine - if you've never seen the print version of the mag, well..its high time you check em out - at least online.

And if you happen to be in SF on May 16th and are a foodie and have $20 to spare for a FIVE course meal (hello, in case you didnt know, thats helluva good deal!) check this out: Bean-out Temporary Restaurant Happening

laters..

Concentrate and ask again

2010-04-28T13:49:00.000-07:00

I started watching Fringe - not from the beginning though and the episode I saw explained that one of the major characters had a mother who committed suicide.

A couple of weeks ago, I got an email from my friend's friend that said my friend had lost her mother the other week.

I got an email today from a client who asked if I could resend her a link that had expired - she went on to explain that when I sent it, the next day her mother had died.

And in a little more than a week it will be Mother's day. The first Mother's day without my mom. The first Mother's day as a mom myself. I still have the present I was going to send my mom last mother's day. I was supposed to remember to bring it with me when we had my baby shower so i could give it to her. but i forgot. as usual. i had bought her a cute pink reusable elephant bag - which i used instead as a gift bag for a 1 year old. i didnt want to part with it, but every time i would look at it, it was just another reminder of how i ... i had also bought her a little tiny ceramic elephant thing for creamer. anyway...

We had gone to the zoo recently since we have a membership now and when we got to the elephants, i seriously wanted to breakdown and cry. especially when there was this memorial plaque and upon reading it - reminded me that we have yet to spread her ashes and that we dont have a final resting place. a resting place that i wont be able to take my son to and ...

i probably should mention that my mom was cuckoo for elephants. her last wish was to have her ashes spread at an elephant sanctuary. her husband has her ashes since he is legally the next of kin. i sometimes contemplate (in my head) taking him to court in order to have "custody" of her ashes. not to go completely against my moms wishes but so that i can also make arrangements to have a piece of her stay with us or be buried with her father (whom she loved so much) and actually schedule the trip to spread the ashes to begin with. at this time, its on hold. because well, its in his hands...ive attempted to take charge of it but he wasnt ready nor had the money or something. bleh.

Excuses are just like assholes

2010-04-06T15:43:00.000-07:00

but in my defense here is my horoscope for today: "Although you seem to be quite passionate about many topics of discussion today, you might not be as interested in sharing your feelings as you appear. It's not that you are detached from what you are saying; it's just that this is more of an intellectual exercise now than something of integral importance to you. But you still could get caught up in wanting to be right. Keep in mind that backing down from an indefensible position is, ultimately, a true sign of wisdom."

wait, that didnt sound like a defense at all. i must have read that wrong. it should have said: "Although you seem to be quite passionate about many topics of discussion today, you will be at a loss for words and disappoint your already few readers since they (you) have abandoned this blog. Meaning, you will have tons of excuses like this lame thing called astrology to back up the reason for not writing a post, once again."

yeah, so anywayszz.. i do have lots on my mind, some of which i dont really know how to introduce here. like for instance being able to officially (finally!) travel the US and abroad. what? oh, does that need clarification? yes, so you see - the clarification part i dont really know how to introduce. and by introducing it, it would open up a big can of snakes. snakes on a blog. sorry, i just had to go there. you know, to distract you. are you distracted yet? so, yeah this travel thing. i havent been able to fly, even down to LA since 9/11. and no not because of fear of flying . come on now, im fearless remember? (ok, so im a liar too) but because i was not really um, how do you say..legally able to. and no not because i was on a no fly list or anything but because i didnt have a proper government issued id. i know what you are thinking..

let me explain. i have been in the US since April of 1982 (I was almost 5), when my parents came here (legally on a tourist visa) to pursue the ever elusive American dream, whatever that may have been for them. and i can honestly say - im pretty sure they didnt find it, especially not my mom. ANYWAYS...see, SNAKES..hsssss...

i'll just say this..its been a long and winding road full of uncertainties. only a few of my friends knew of this (and sometimes my family ignores it or happens to forget as well) and now i can finally throw that party and give a sigh of relief and say - the world is now open to me. no longer is there a glass ceiling or an excuse to not finish anything (oh-oh), to not go anywhere (trust me im on every airfare watch site-cheap ticketing-vacation-site-to-anywhere) because as of March 15th - I am able to live a life of a true American (be in debt)- a life of freedom. really you dont understand? i thought i was being pretty clear here.

allow me to explain further...oh, wait, look at the time...maybe next time...

*I was sort of terrified to hit publish..don't know why (oh but i do..)

because everyone has a say

2010-03-26T15:01:00.000-07:00

everyone always has something to say when it comes to how you should be raising your child. I mean, I can see how the author kinda has a point but the fact is - that just means the author has the mind to do such a thing, no? i dont know. this was originally found on passive aggressive notes - oh the comments. i love that site as well as FML.

anyways, here are just some random thoughts and crap:

1. dang, i think my nose hairs were just singed - i walked into the private bathroom of our office's shared complex and it smelled like musty hell. and eww, i also noticed gross pube hairs all over the toilet seat. i quickly walked out.
2. that fucking new verizon commercial gets stuck in my head at least 3 times during the day. it usually starts out with their rendition of the big red commercial which then switches to the original big red commercial and then ends with - mentos, the fresh maker. - yeah, dont ask, this is how my brain works. can it be explained? no, never.
3. grocery outlet rocks (gross out, as its called by locals) - id like to write about it but then, more people would go there and thus, i would not have this treasure trove to myself. as if it is really all to myself. so i might as well tell you. recent awesome purchases - Olio Nuovo, extra virgin olive oil for $2.50 a bottle (because, well you gotta use it NOW. its pretty yummy), organic body wash and conditioner $2.50, organic tomato sauces .39 cents, organic blue agave syrup $2.50, ben & jerry's ice cream for $1.50 a pint...i mean seriously there are always something great to be had at a discount! and yes, we do buy cheeses and sometimes meat here too - we just be sure to check the dates and really, its fine. they also usually have a flat of organic free range eggs (30 eggs) for $3.50.
4. i already forgot
5. why is the phone ringing so much?! its FRIDAY people! usually its so quiet i can hear my head trying to explode with the silence. but nooooo, today of all days, when i am here by myself trying to work (cough cough), the phone is ringing off the hook.
6. crap, how do i always do that - get the screen to go full screen and lose all my tabs? i do this at least once a day.
7. i really hate the new blogger editor.
8. great, i just forgot what i was about to write..sigh..
anyways, literally..oh wait, i just remembered - the most often misspelled. (god damn phone) words - or one of my pet peeves when i read a book i paid good money for is spelling or grammar errors (yes, i know look who's calling the kettle black) (wait, is that a racist remark) (i just made it one, didnt i?) (see, thats how the thing) UGH, GOD DAMN PHONES. loose vs. lose, fell vs. feel (it happens, i tell ya. not in books but in emails) quite vs. quiet. (PHONE) ugh, forget it. shit, i forgot to pump at 1:30, it is now 3 pm.
9. oh, and for some reason i decided to watch desperate housewives from the very beginning. i had refrained from watching this show for the last 6 seasons it has been on but recently watched a few episodes of this season. so to my surprise - the first episode was, (phone. AGAIN). about a suicide. i mean i always knew that the narrator was dead, i just didnt know that that was how she died. sometimes it seems like the world is trying to tell me something.

anyways.

It's friday! yay! im hoping to go to an ale house today after work. with the hubby and baby. yes, with the baby. what? damn it, i said i would get out of my head....

have a great weekend everyone.

on the up and up

2010-03-23T12:55:00.000-07:00

In a month, our office will be moving to a new location. A location where I will actually have my own office. Unfortunately I will be flanked by the President of the company on one side and my co-worker who is kind of my superior but not really a supervisor, but still likes to supervise, on the other. I will also have windows for these two gentlemen to peer into at all times, keeping their eyes on me. My only silver lining on this is I get to have shades and every 3 hours I get to draw those shades and do my business (pump and be online) in the comfort of being behind my desk and not in some public but private bathroom.

I have high hopes for this new office space. I hope to be more organized (stop your chuckling) and not a clutter bomb like I usually am. I would also like to have plants and photos around. Bookshelves and filing cabinets would be nice too. My boss was excited himself I guess and gave me a sketch of the space so that I can plan out where my stuff could go and said that he has been playing around with his much larger office this way. My office is like tiny, well not tiny, just not significant enough to actually hunker down and do some space planning. But an office is an office and I’ll gladly take what I can get.

I know I’ve been slacking, typical me. But im finally getting the hang of this mommy thing and hopefully getting the hang of balancing it with the other parts of my life. There is a lot to write about. A lot. Stuff that I only now can say because all the legal stuff is finally over.

Anyway, I should get back to work. lunch time is over. fuck, I forgot to pump.

This Page Intentionally Left Blank

2010-03-16T10:38:00.000-07:00

mini update

2010-03-04T16:06:00.000-08:00

I just created an online store over at bigcartel because i figure i am never going to be able to fit (squeeze) into my precious vintage dresses ever again, so why not let someone else enjoy it, right? these days, i just wear clothes i dont mind getting spit up on. any hoot, theres nothing in the store just yet. and i only signed up for the free account so im only allowed to put up 5 items. if you are inclined to open up a store (i know i know - everyone loves etsy..but try this place out - they dont take a percentage or a fee off of what you sell. they do however charge a monthly if you want to sell more than 5 items.) you should check them out. I hope to do something with it this weekend.

I have 3 posts written (and rewritten) that i have yet to publish. one dealing with my first ever yoga class in over a year in which i had to deal with partner participation (and hello? im like so anti-social, and suffer from sweaty palms/feet!) and the other is about a voicemail i got from my mom's cousin who decided i was the perfect person to confide in about swallowing pills. and the third one was about support groups. eh...

anyway, i should really get back to work.

*its now 10 pm, and im free from the babe for a wee bit and i got stuck on this website that i stumbled upon. i could of spent many more hours (of which i have none) at that site checking out people's stuff which inspires me to do ooh so much more (but if only i could). i used to be a contender. sorry, that was pretty bad. anyways, i decided to skip bigcartel entirely and just use cw's old site (which ive abandoned) to sell our stuff online. might as well right? i have that domain for another year or two (i think). oh the possibilities when you arent lazy....

Functioning

2010-02-17T11:37:00.000-08:00

I am no stranger to depression. I have suffered with bouts of it from mild to severe, for nearly half of my life. I have had my fair share of therapy including the use of (lots of different kinds) anti-depressants, most notably in my mid 20's. Therapy: I am not the type of person who likes group sessions, or these type of support groups, but I will say this though, that going thru therapy despite not liking most of my therapists, gave me a new set of tools to balance my life and battle future dark moments. and drugs, well i never really liked being on them. of course, i was used to self medicating with other drugs and alcohol during this time.

When my mother committed suicide - did anyone fear of my "losing it" or going into my own depressive state? no, most likely they didnt. most definitely not from my family because...I dont know. They just dont think of me like that. They were more worried about my brother than of me, even though i was 34 weeks pregnant. And this is how it was (is) all my life. everyone constantly doting on my brother. He is after all 5 years younger than me. I was independent from the get go (as everyone likes to point out) and everyone always felt i could just take care of myself and mostly i do. mostly though, i'm great at taking care of others and tend to neglect myself.

I write this because a friend of mine mentioned she was worried about me. About how I may have not had the opportunity to deal with my mother's death and that I am depressed (i hear you, cw.) and let me just say - thank you. yes, i am the type of person who remains "the strong one" when everything or everyone else around me is expected to fare less. It some ways it is a defense mechanism, sure. but in other ways, i have come to utilize it and to not dwell in the dark fields too long lest I be swallowed by it. I've come along way and I have no intention of going thru that muck again. yes, i am sad and sometimes i am sad often. i think part of the issue is dealing with a loss while also being a new mother oh and working too.

PPD - Postpartum depression symptoms:

* Depressed mood-tearfulness, hopelessness, and feeling empty inside, with or without severe anxiety.

-- well, i did just lose my mom, so what amount is normal and what is excessive? and being a new mom, isn't it normal to have anxiety? Lets just get this straight though - i do not feel hopeless. i do not feel empty inside. i do feel a little ache in my heart at times, but not ALL the time. and anxiety? well let me tell you the first few weeks of my son's birth - hell fuck yeah i was anxious, it was pretty severe. i would get these horrid images and thoughts creep in my head and i would tell myself, scream to myself - NO. STFU. and it slowly went away. now, its hardly there but you know.

* Loss of pleasure in either all or almost all of your daily activities.

-- daily activities? like the stuff i used to do before baby? yeah, um well i hate to break it to you but, theres a lot of stuff i dont do anymore because of baby. part of it is time and part of it is money. and all of it is laziness, but i have not lost pleasure in things. i may not squeal in delight but there are moments where i think to myself - wow, this is just absolutely amazing. mostly when i look at my son and my husband and where we are at at the moment. sex, on the other hand. sorry honey. im getting there.

* Appetite and weight change-usually a drop in appetite and weight, but sometimes the opposite.

-- yeah, no. i will always love food and secretly wish i didnt. i love to cook and experiment and eat and try new things. weight change? um, well i did have a baby, remember? and like ive said - it took me 9 months to get huge, its going to take at least that much time to get un-huge. i have 4 more months to go, but im not planning on trying to squeeze into my pre-pregnancy clothes nor am i bummed about it.

* Sleep problems-usually trouble with sleeping, even when your baby is sleeping.
--yes, i have trouble sleeping. ive always had trouble sleeping, but its better than it was 5 years ago. and yeah, i do have problems sleeping when my baby is sleeping - its hard not to look and stare at how cute they are when they are asleep, all quiet and not demanding. its precious.

* Noticeable change in how you walk and talk-usually restlessness, but sometimes sluggishness.

--i cant answer this since i cant see how i walk. but talk sluggish? me? yeah, no. if anything i talk more rapidly than ever before.

* Extreme fatigue or loss of energy.

--ok, well yeah. im exhausted, nearly every day. is it extreme? it sure feels like it is but it would if you work from 8 am to 4:30 pm but really you work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. let me explain:

7 am - slightly awake already because baby has been nursing off and on or is barely asleep and is tossing and turning looking for some bewb juice.
7:20 am - alarm goes off. Snooze. nurse baby.
7:30 am - alarm goes off. snooze. sing a good morning song since baby is up already. and slowly rip myself away from under the covers.
7:40 am - alarm goes off yet again. no really, im up. im up. pants on, use the bathroom, wash face, brush teeth. find glasses. find phone. go downstairs and pack pump, my breakfast and lunch.
8 am - arrive at work.
10 am - pump for 15 mins.
12:30 - eat at desk
1 pm - pump
4 pm - pump again- i kinda skip this sometimes.
4:30 pm - get picked up and clock in as mom.
4:45 pm - nurse. think about dinner. ask how the day was.
5:00 pm - if my husband isnt going to cook, then i start planning & cooking (think of a dish that can also be used as lunch the next day for me and family).
6:00 pm - eat dinner
6:30 pm - put baby down for a nap (really, this nap is for me - which usually doesnt happen)
7:00 pm - husband leaves the house for his commitments and its just me and the baby (sometimes he has to leave earlier)
7:30 pm - run bath
7:50 pm - bath time
8:15 pm -bedtime...baby doesnt get off the bewb until about 10 pm (he nurses off and on during this time)
10:00 pm - eat again - i get hungry
11:00 pm - sleep (kind of) and start all over again..middle of the night feedings - 12 am, 3 am, then 6 am - but im half asleep on these since i just kinda roll over to feed him and fall back to a kind of sleep that im totally used to now.

on the weekends, baby gets up at the same time. and well, i usually just ignore him (what? you gotta problem with that? dont worry, he's in bed with us- hes not going anywhere so dont call cps or anything) and try and sleep some more and then end up nursing him around 8 am so i can get another hour of sleep.

* Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, with no reasonable cause.

--i have feelings of guilt but there are reasonable causes. but i do not feel worthless.

* Difficulty concentrating and making decisions.

--i dont think so. i mean, i think i dont. oh, i dont know, what to do you think? yes, i am a scatterbrain though and have always been a bit indecisive.

* Thoughts about death or suicide. Some women with PPD have fleeting, frightening thoughts of harming their babies: these thoughts tend to be fearful thoughts, rather than urges to harm.

-- yeah, no. i do not think about death at all. ok so i may think about my mom's death, but not mine or anything of that sorts. no thoughts of suicide or anything of that sort. i know this feeling, ive had that feeling 10 years ago and ive dealt with that demon. no thank you. the frightening thoughts of harming my baby - to be honest the first few weeks after my son's birth, as i stated above regarding anxiety issues, images would rush into my head and that was frightening but thankfully those are gone now. it was really scary at first. i only told one person about them, which helped to lessen it. i found out later after those thoughts went away that there is something called PPA - postpartum anxiety, the sister of PPD.

so with that said, on one self test, i received these results:

You may have one or more of the signs of postpartum depression. Be sure to get a further evaluation from your doctor.

Remember that some of these signs, including sudden mood swings and feeling impatient, irritable, restless, anxious, lonely, and sad, can be associate with baby blues, but they should only last for up to two weeks after the delivery of your baby and they shouldn't be as strong or intense as you may have with PPD.

You said that you have the following possible signs or symptoms of PPD:

* Feeling restless or irritable.
* Feeling sad, depressed or crying a lot.
* Having no energy.
* Having headaches, chest pains, heart palpitations (the heart being fast and feeling like it is skipping beats), numbness, or hyperventilation (fast and shallow breathing).
* Not being able to sleep or being very tired, or both.
* Trouble focusing, remembering, or making decisions.
* No interest or pleasure in activities, including sex.

You said that you do not have the following possible signs or symptoms of PPD:

* Not being able to eat and weight loss.
* Overeating and weight gain.
* Being overly worried about the baby.
* Not having any interest in the baby.
* Feeling worthless and guilty.
* Being afraid of hurting the baby or yourself.

On another one, i got these results:

We are very glad you took this test. It took courage, persistence, and thought. All of these traits help women to get the care they need.

Your screening results are not consistent with symptoms of postpartum depression. However, if you are concerned and think you may need help, we encourage you to see a mental health professional or a clinician for a complete evaluation as soon as possible.

If you have thoughts of harming yourself or others, dial 911 or go immediately to the nearest hospital emergency room for an evaluation. This screening is not a substitute for a complete clinical evaluation.

While reading through the various questions on the test, you became familiar with some of the most common reactions mothers with postpartum depression (PPD) experience.

This website is here to help you learn more about PPD and how to find help. It is full of good information and resources. We want you to persist until you get good care and counseling, if and when you need it. Talking about the problem is always a good idea and a great start. Talk with your husband, family, and friends or find a support group where you will learn that you are not the only mother with problems.

So what's the verdict?

I do not think i am depressed. I have been depressed before and thats not where i am at. im still in the process of healing and coping with the loss of my mother and being a new mom and the stress of being the breadwinner. yes, i am sad. most days more so than others. but aren't i allowed to be sad? i dont know what the prescription is for healing faster or just to heal completely. there isnt a cure for a loss, is there? no rapid way to get over something like that. and yes time heals all wounds, but that doesnt ever make it go away. it will always be there. my heart is healing and with every day and every time spent with my new family, my heart gets lighter. i do want to be able to do things outside of mom world or working mom world but in time, especially as my son gets older, it will become easier to say go out and be an individual again. to go out and be the old new me or well a better version of the old new me. my process for healing is writing, so if anything i just need to make time to do that. i kinda also want to start making stuff again, but alas having a baby doesn't really allow for a lot of free time.

**I am just going to publish this unfinished (so it may not make any sense) because it has been sitting in my post queue for a few days now and well..im impatient and if i keep going i will never post it..dont worry, i will continue writing.

Error

2010-02-04T17:00:00.000-08:00

I stumbled upon this blog a couple of days ago. neat.

M.I.A.

2010-02-03T07:56:00.000-08:00

and no i dont mean the ultra cool artist (i really had trouble figuring out what term to use, artist, musician, songstress? mom of purported unusual named baby boy)

yes, i have been missing in action, to which my husband would chime in and say - glad im not the only one missing some action. ba dum bum ching.

i am in a very strange place right now. i know i tend to isolate myself even before I had the baby, so its no surprise that my friends who are still in the same area as me, haven't seen or heard from me for awhile. like months. its been rough and if you have been keeping up with some of this blog, i am sure you can (sort of) understand. sometimes i feel like i am making some progress, other times i feel like i took too many steps back and by doing so, unearthed more issues to fill up my already full plate. i also am not the same person i was when i first started this blog. every time i run into or see someone who knew me at least a year and a half ago, they always have to comment on how astonishingly crazy my life has changed to or become or how i kind of made a total 180 of my life. kind of like saying my life before now was crazy (and fun) and now its just...boring? (and crazy and still kinda fun. depends on what you would call fun. seeing how many times you can throw your kid in the air before he pukes on you? or how awesome it is when you can instinctively catch said puke before it hits the ground or you? yes, fun times!)

sometimes i feel as if i have multiple personalities or that i should because if i did, maybe things would be easier to manage right now. one personality is the old me. i still have this notion that i can be myself, my old self. somewhere deep down im still the me i was, before ever getting married and having a kid. second personality is that of a (first time) mom. sometimes i feel like im a mom to two kids instead of one, but thats obviously not the case and i just have control issues. the third is being a wife. and im not really doing all that well in that department especially having to juggle personality #2, hence jokes from my husband. and because i am still coping with the death of my mom, i always find myself hitting a wall or, hiding issues in a box for later use.

so what now? should i even bother with this blog? sometimes i want to write about random things that bother me, but i cant really say my piece here because sometimes things that bother me are really people that bother me and those people may just find their way to this blog.

sigh. so i dont know what to tell you. i want to keep writing. but i feel as though my writing has gone to shit. if only there was an app for direct brain to blog postings then i would be all the better. i always have several posts or ideas for ones swimming in my head throughout the day (but mostly at night) but never have the time to write or finish it. for example, this post was started 3 days ago. i probably have over 50 posts that are incomplete, or became stale and irrelevant right before i could even hit publish.

what's relevant these days anyway?

on a different note: YAY, Lost is back! I do not have the luxury of watching anything past 8 pm so I have to wait to watch shows the next day after they air and watch them online. Its kind of nice though because there are less commercials and sometimes you get to bypass commercials entirely IF you choose to sit thru a long commercial first. So far, i have had to sit thru the stupid nuva ring commercial. the long version. the stupid ass version. have you seen it? im not talking about the- monday-tuesday-wednesday-thursday swimming one...great, i just got that stuck in my head. well, you should be glad you havent. but at least the new one doesnt get stuck in your head. the new one shows a bunch of "ethnically diverse" women supposedly chit chatting about how the nuva ring is great cause its so much easier than the pill. this is so true because we females definitely meet up for lunch to have these exact same discussion. like, totally (not). (despite what you males think).

what up doc?

2010-01-28T15:21:00.000-08:00

its really awkward when your doctor is talking to you about your baby and life in general while shes, you know, looking at your vajayjay. totally holding a normal conversation you would have if you were out for coffee or something, except she's holding a speculum instead of a latte.

after having the baby, kaiser now charges me $85 (it was $75 only a month ago) per office visit. When I was prego the office visits were free but then i would get a bill from kaiser for other lab charges, like peeing in a cup and dipping a sort of litmus strip into it (to check for proteins). and by the way, they have the litmus strips readily available, right there in the bathroom for you. so, i, myself, could have read this and put it on my chart, but noooo - they charge $25 for this "lab". anyways, oh and i had to pay $65 for my 3 pack of birth control pills on top of the office visit! so i thought to myself - MY GOD I was so spoiled, I'm used to FREE. before i was prego i used to take care of my femaleneeds at Planned Parenthood which = free birth control, free check ups, free lots of stuff..i mean they do ask for a donation. So, why the hell am I forking over my hard earned money to kaiser? Note to self - make an appointment w/ PP next time!

anyway, you know I had my qualms about my ob/gyn before and during my pregnancy, but now that ive had the baby - my opinion is - she's not so bad. today's visit i learned a lot more about her and well, i like her. the last time i was there she asked to have me mail in our birth announcement. ya, sure i said. of course. only thing is - we never made those things. i mean, i have some templates set up on our computers to do one at home but ive never got around to actually doing it. you do remember how lazy i am right? what? are you still shocked that i even put up a post over here? ya, i know, maybe it should really go over to the other one? ya, probably. but im lazy, and im here already. so tough.

well, what else. we're going to LA for a baptism. I'll try to take pictures of things and people other than my own kid.

have a great weekend! and yes, i know i really need to clear up the cobwebs on this site but all i can give you right now is an empty promise to do so..but maybe i'll surprise you.

bah humbug

2009-12-22T09:02:00.000-08:00

i cant believe this year is a couple of weeks away to being over. i cant say im all that happy to be starting over, knowing that all the players in my life, wont make an appearance again next year. i wish i could take back so many things. i wish i had a few more do overs, knowing what this year end would bring.

this year i kind of wanted to do nothing for the holidays. absolutely nothing. wake up to nothing. not go see family. nothing. what i was saying to everyone, including myself was, i wanted to celebrate it as a new family, by ourselves (flash big fake smile to sounds of *awww*). but i know that was a lie. i wanted to have nothing to do with this holiday. bah humbug. i really didnt know how to deal with it. thanksgiving was tough enough for me this year, and i knew christmas would be worse. so to make it bearable, i thought id just pretend it was just another day. and to make it not a big deal, i wanted to avoid my large, sometimes obnoxious, very loud but oh so loving family (or nearly everyone except those under the same roof), so i wouldnt have to deal with pretending to be cheerful whenever someone comes up to me to give me a hug and rub my back while giving me this look that says it all and for that split second my heart breaks and then a minute passes and we all pretend the awkward moment is gone and be all merry again. on christmas you are supposed to be "merry and bright" and usually i LOVE this holiday, this month, the cold, going to the snow, visiting and spending time with family, warm homes, home cooking - everything. but this year its just not the same and i know it wont ever be. and that is something i should get over and not necessarily bring other people down with me (sorry cw & jax)

"The full sense of loss never occurs all at once" and this is so true for me. off and on when i am alone and often when i am with my son, i burst into tears. or when im writing posts, even at work, my eyes well up and i feign having an allergy attack or a cold. and thats just it - the pretending. thats what gets me. i pretend, that i am the same. i pretend that im ok. i pretend that there isnt an angry part of me. i pretend there isnt a guilty part of me. a screaming, crying part of me. i pretend because well, to make it less awkward for everyone else. to make it less difficult for them, not necessarily for me.

so, with that said bah humbug to my humbug. i am done with you. despite the tears i may shed, there is joy to be had. the holidays are tough but not impossible. "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." and for the sake of my son, i can make new experiences and memories and even start our own traditions - like, using jax's baby toys and everyone's holiday cards as decorations. seriously, our tree would be so sad without them. we at least have lights up. getting the tree was kind of my pushing. yeah, even though i wanted to have nothing to do with this holiday, deep down i still cherished it. i love coming home to the smell of the tree. this time next year, i will be more prepared. more cheery, more in tune with the holiday cheer. so there, christmas is on again. i am glad that cw kept persisting to go and visit a group of his friends on christmas morning, other wise well..christmas would have been cancelled.

um, so Happy Holidays everyone, no fake smile necessary, I really mean it.

look both ways

2009-12-21T13:50:00.000-08:00

wtf? not again

2009-12-17T12:56:00.001-08:00

so, after deleting databases, uninstalling, installing and so forth - cw's site is still showing a warning page.

Here is what Google stated:

Sample pages that may be distributing malware:

http://theseedoubleyou.com/tag/
http://theseedoubleyou.com/photos/
http://www.theseedoubleyou.com/doc/
http://www.theseedoubleyou.com/photos/about/
http://www.theseedoubleyou.com/tag/web-stuff/
http://www.theseedoubleyou.com/2009/11/hello-world/comment-page-1/
http://www.theseedoubleyou.com/photos/album/photo/2179840016/underpass.html
http://www.theseedoubleyou.com/photos/album/photo/345643993/paulchuck4.html
http://www.theseedoubleyou.com/photos/album/photo/354424874/realistic5.html
http://www.theseedoubleyou.com/photos/album/album/72157610624753393/photo/3296551572/we-live-in-oakland-this-is-my-corner.html
http://www.theseedoubleyou.com/?p=1
http://www.theseedoubleyou.com/?m=200910

these are photo frames actually. sigh..its all gone anyway. all a waste. i dont have the energy to deal with it anymore. even when i remove wordpress and start from scratch. nothing, a few months goes by and google does it again. so fuck it. the thing is i have this damn site till 2011. and you know what sucks? for some stupid ass reason, the account manager online from my hosting server does not allow me to disable auto renew - what the eff? it allowed me to disable the cpanel auto renew? what? okay i need to go clear my head. im too sleep deprived to deal with this bullshit.

website redux - fail

well that was awkward

2009-12-16T13:47:00.001-08:00

today i had a meeting with one of our MEPs (Mechanical, Electrical, Plumbing engineer) for a new project. He was someone I had been working with during the course of my pregnancy and before i even had a relationship to get me into that predicament. this was the first time we had met up after i had the baby so he asked me you know the normal, run of the mill questions like - what did you have? whats his name? (although he asked me this twice and i think he wanted to ask me what i had again. BABY, i had a BAY BEE) and then: your mom must be so excited.

in my head i was questioning myself - what do i say? how do i make this less awkward? do i say anything at all? do i lie? what do i do? - as best as i could and without any tears (i was fighting them back) so i slowly exhaled and said, well, my mother passed away this year. and then in my head all the details swirled and swirled and my baby shower came up and my brain was doing a whole flashback sequence. this is probably why he was all - whats his name? as if he hadnt asked me already.

i feel like this blog is becoming this sad, depressing part of me where i recollect everything and or go thru scenarios of my life with and without my mother. i struggle so much more now in my writing, in my everything that i couldnt begin to express except in sadness. and when i do get a chance to be funny and write about nonsense shit, then i beat myself up and think that i am purposefully trying to forget her to move on.

this year has been overwhelming. full of paradoxes. death, life, joy, sadness. despite the tragedy that i have suffered, i am still thankful for this year with much less regrets than last year. my life has changed so much, so dramatically and in such a short time this year, that next year aint got nothin on me. i hope.

ttyl

2009-12-05T21:54:00.001-08:00

brb

2009-12-03T13:50:00.000-08:00

Out of the Darkness

2009-11-08T20:29:00.000-08:00

on oct. 24th, a couple days shy of what would have been my moms 54th birthday, my new family and i participated in oaklands first ever community walk at lake merritt. the purpose of the walk was to call attention to causes and ways to prevent suicide. it also helped to raise funds for research and education for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) which developed the walks. it was just 1 out 190 or so walks happening across the united states.

supposedly there were 200 participants. 200 too many if you ask me. we were all there because someone we loved had taken their life. some people had memorial shirts on and walked and raised money as a team. i want to thank those who helped support me and the cause, so thank you.

im at a lost with this post really. i dont know what to say, or what to get off my chest. during my pregnancy at 34 weeks when my mother passed, i was dealing with so much already and then..but i was able to stay intact for the most part, i know i didnt cry much. i was basically running on auto pilot and focused on being healthy for my baby and having to be the one to take care of things. and after the funeral, i thought that was that. i was done with it. often times it felt as if i didnt grieve enough, and then sometimes i felt i had let it all out and so nothing was left...but then my son was born and 3 weeks after his birth, when i was by myself with him for the first time - i snapped and tears poured out like the hover damn had broke. i was devastated that my mom missed it. then all of the emotions started again. except this time, i was a little angry. i kept thinking - if she only waited 2 more months to see him, maybe she wouldnt have been so sad, so in pain and done what she had done. that the joy of her first grandsons birth would just snap her out of the funk she was in. but i know or really i dont know, i do know she was sick. she suffered from bipolar disorder and so it didnt matter. one moment she would have been happy and the next not because she wasnt taking her medication. i dont know. its hard. i keep her facebook page and just this past week she had received a message from someone who didnt know she wasnt around anymore. i wrote her and gave a snippet then we exchanged another message where i explained what had happened.

sometimes it doesnt even seem like she is gone. my mind will sort of trick me and then, im crying again cause i remember - that this year, i wont be seeing her for thanksgiving or christmas. no more of her every five minute phone call when we are on the way down there for a visit. i wont be hearing her looong ass voicemails or hear corny jokes or receive her chain emails that i delete anyway, or get a card for any and every occasion. its so surreal even now to think she really is gone. but it has only been 4 months. most people want to find something to blame - her disease, her husband, her family, just not ourselves. i guess it helps with the guilt.

i am guilty of many things - not calling her enough, not spending more time with her when i would visit LA. but what i feel most guilty of, is not remembering much of the time i last spent with her which was at my baby shower - just a week before she killed herself. its weird, cause the last couple of weeks there was something to remind myself that not only is she gone, but how she left. i watched the movie the shrink on netfilx online - and it happened to be or have characters who were touched by suicide. and then another movie about a person who cleans up after deaths and well anyway...it unavoidable. but i also dont want people to feel uncomfortable around it when they are with me - that is if they know about it.

anyway, i guess it will always be new, no matter how many years pass. it will always be, what it is and what it was. but i dont want it to mar the wonderful person she was. and thats kind of the point of the walk. to erase that stigma behind suicide. to highlight the many signs and disorders that can contribute to preventing suicide and so forth..and to let those who are suffering know they are not alone and that there is a better way out of the darkness.

Firsts

2009-11-07T20:47:00.000-08:00

so if your on facebook, no doubt you have been tagged at one point to fill out notes about yourself such as a movie quiz or some shit. recently i was tagged for a quiz of firsts. as of yet, i still havent completed it. but it had me think about one of the questions - your first love.

now, how do you determine who was your first love? what is the criteria? i know what you are thinking, you are like - come on, you know who your first love was, right? what the fuck do you mean by criteria? i dont know, i guess after thinking on the question - which was, do you still talk to your first love? first "love" - i think i am more comfortable with that, love within quotation marks. in hindsight, well, fuck if i knew what love was back then. yeah, sure a first boyfriend, who i said i love you to, but can i say for certain he was my first love? in hindsight, no, not really. yeah, i thought it was love. and the two times there after. but to compare those times to what i have now, was in no way love. of course i said i love you in my past relationships, and not that i didnt mean it at those times, i just didnt know what it was all about. i cared about them sure, and while living it yes, i did love them. but if it was real love, then wouldnt i still be with them? i think i said i love you only because i was saying it, in the hopes that it was love. hoping that that person will say it back and mean it and there by acknowledging that this thing we had, was real. real, in the hopes that - this was IT. but it obviously became a big wasnt, it was something that resembled love. tainted love, oh the love we share, seemed to go no where..anyways, so i guess my answer would be that charlie is my first love. god, i know, baaarf right?! well, the truth can be gross sometimes.

a friend of mine asked me if its different now that i am married. no, it isnt that different, except instead of saying boyfriend i say husband. oh and i permanently wear a ring on my finger. i still havent changed my last name, even though our marriage certificate says im going to. so then some people wonder, why the hell get married in the first place, if its just a piece of paper and everything is the same. yeah, you know, i was one of those people too, being all independent and a feminist but then again - its nice to be able to tell the world and have it in writing that ive met the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. its like, when youve completed high school - you get a diploma or graduated college. you get this certificate saying you did all the work and now you are done. yeah, its like that. you did all this dating, you went out with all the fuck ups, you had your heart broken many times over and now, you've graduated. you did it - you finally met the one. ok, its kinda like that. but you know what i mean.

anyway, i know sometimes i take cw for granted and with the new addition in our lives, we forget sometimes to acknowledge one another. and ok, so sometimes i can be real bitchy and critical, but i dont mean to. remember, im sleep deprived. but enough of my excuses. anyway, he really is my first love. so there, yeah i should try and finish that quiz now.

its funny to think back on things. the shit i did and said and thought i knew. sometimes, as a friend of mine stated, it feels like a waste even though i know i needed to go thru that shit to get here.

2009-10-31T12:46:00.001-07:00

i havent been around. ive been meaning to write, sorry. do people still stop by here anyway? i know im flakey. its a character flaw that, well, i have been trying to shake but my attempts have been flakey. so much has happened this year that im still trying to put the pieces (back) together but each time i do so, a little bit of me falls apart. dont get me wrong, there has been great things, events and people (one particular person) that have entered my life but the one that exited my life has profoundly changed my whole matter of being.

its also hard to get some quality time on the computer when you have your hands full taking care of a 7 week old. to tell you the truth, i think i have complete writers block. i mean sure i can write shit on the baby blog, because all my days are spent with the baby. but this blog is NOT about babies. maybe about getting knocked up or the trials of getting or not getting there, if you know what i mean. you dont? well nether do i, hence writers block. i will be back though. with a vengeance - when i go back to work. hehe.

** and fuckin god damn it - cw's site is broken, and then i just broke it even more! and now i have to start all over since i didnt back up any of the files - EFF ME!

ive been meaning to

2009-10-04T21:46:00.000-07:00

write a post but havent had the chance..but in the mean time if any of you are able to support this in any way..im doing this walk for my mom - for suicide prevention..check it out: Donate online, it's 100% tax deductible! THANKS.

Publish Post

Whoa Momma!

2009-09-14T17:41:00.000-07:00

I am officially a mother! believe me, its still pretty surreal...but im totally honored to be this little guys momma.

Monday morning spam

2009-08-31T10:06:00.000-07:00

YOUR ATTENTION IS NEEDED

Attn,

I am J.B.Ismail,an attorney at law,my proposition to you is to seek your consent,a deceased client of mine died as a result of heart-related condition on March 12th
2008. His heart condition was due to the death of all the members of his family in the tsunami disaster on the 26thDecember 2004 in Sumatra Indonesia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2004_Indian_Ocean_earthquake.

Am contacting you to assist in distributing the money left behind by my client before it is confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank
where this deposit valued at Nineteen million dollars(US$19million dollars) is lodged. This bank has issued me a notice to
contact the next of kin, or the account will be confiscated.

I will like you to acknowledge the receipt of this e-mail as soon as possible via my private EMAIL -:amat@albawaba.com

Best regards,
J.B.Ismail
Attorney at Law

This communication links contained herein,is for the sole use of the intended recipient and may contain information that is confidential or
legally protected.

----

I NEED A RELIABLE FOREIGNER FOR BUSINESS PARTNERSHIP

AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING UNIT
FOREIGN OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT
woangningauditoffice@yahoo.cn

I am Mr Wang Ning, a Chinese and an Auditing /Accounting Officer Bank Of China,here in my country. I have urgent and very confidential business proposition for you, during my audit exercise in my department I discovered an abandoned sum of Fourty Eight million Five hundred thousand United States (US$48,500,000.00) in an account that belongs to our late customer, a German Estate Tycoon (Christian G. Eich) who died along with his wife and entire family on 25th July 2000, Air France Concorde flight 4590 plane crash. Before his death, he made a numbered time (Fixed) deposit for twenty four calendar months valued at Fourty Eight Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars only(US$48,500,000.00) in my branch upon maturity.

I sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month, I sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers the Elton Oil that Christian G. Eich died on Air France Concorde flight 4590 plane crash. On further investigation, I found out that he died without making "WILL" and all attempts to trace his next of kin were fruitless.

I therefore made further investigation and discovered that he did not declare any next of kin or relations in all his official documents, including his bank deposit paperwork in my bank. This sum of US$48,500,000.00 is still sitting in my bank and the interest is being rolled over with the principal sum at the end of each year and no one will ever come forward to claim it. According to Chinese Law, at the expiration of 10 (Ten)years, the money will revert to the ownership of the Chinese Government if nobody applies to claim the fund. Consequently, my proposal is that I will like you to act as the next of kin to Christian G. Eich.

This transaction is very simple and 100% risk free,in as much as I will present you to our bank officially for this claims. Therefore, I will like you to provide immediately your full name,confidential email address and direct contact number so that i will issue you all the necessary documents, including the deposite certificate which will put you in place as the next of kin. We shall sign an agreement of oath upon your response to this email.

A bank account in any part of the world, which you will provide will then facilitate the transfer of this money to you as the beneficiary or next of kin. You can send an empty account to receive the funds, provided that the account is capable to receive incoming funds.The money will be paid into your Account for us to share in the ratio of 60% for me and 40% for you .I advise you to keep this as a "top secret" as I am still in service and intend to retire from service after I conclude this deal with you. I hope to hear from you as soon as possible for further information.Do not fail to write me directly on my confidential email address( woangningauditoffice@yahoo.cn)

Cordially yours,

Mr. Wang Ning,
Auditing and Accounting Officer,
Bank OF China.

NB:To read more about Christian G.Eich, visit this site:
Http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm

------
and just for crazy's sake this nifty spam:

E feeling in the House of Lords; and he knew well enough what it was to have power

Reply

|
Kaizer

Othing differences and keeping awkward questions from making theirappearance. Thus he tried to stave off the risk of bringing definitelyto a point the King's cherished claim to levy "impositions," or custom duties, on merchandise, by virtue of his prerogative--a claim which he warned the Commons not to dispute, and which Bacon, maintaining it aslegal in theory, did his best to prevent them from discussing, and to persuade them to be content with restraining. Whatever he thought of the "Great Contract," he did what was expected of him in trying to gain for it fair play. But he made time for other things also. He advised, andadvised soundly, on the plantation and finance of Ireland. It was asubject in which he took deep interest. A few years later, with only toosure a foresight, he gave the warning, "lest Ireland civil become more dangerous to us than Ireland savage." He advised--no

writers block

2009-08-29T19:53:00.000-07:00

well not quite. i have too many things tinkering in my head. what with a mere 14 days left till my estimated due date, emphasis on estimated. and monday being my last day of work! (woo hoo) and shit still occurring in my not so fabulous family life (mom's & dad's side), that i havent been able to get a decent post up. ive tried believe me, i think i have over 10 false starts.

anyway, yeah, so maybe tuesday or something - i'll have something more significant than this lame excuse of a post.

hope you guys are enjoying the heat!! i know most folks are complaining right now. can't please everyone. a few weeks ago those same people were complaining about how they have to wear scarves and its august. and now? dont worry folks it will all subside, it always does and then you can complain how gray and foggy and cold it is again...me - i love the heat, just wish i had a pool to enjoy it in...

mow the lawn

2009-08-18T10:38:00.000-07:00

cw was in the kitchen washing dishes when this commercial came on, and oh my god it was just hilarious. now, if only i could SEE my vajayjay, i could take care of its topiary needs as this commercial would imply.

From the Schick website:

Can I trim to different lengths? How do I do this?

ANSWER: Doesn't a gal like to change her hairstyle now and then? That's why you can select from three adjustable trimmer lengths to get as neat as you'd like (or as bare as you dare). Simply push the comb at the tail of the razor to choose how short you want to go - or remove the comb completely for the neatest trim possible. It's all up to you. As always, care should be taken when using any razor or trimmer, especially in sensitive areas or on delicate skin.

I love looking at the FAQ's of products or companies cause most of the time they are freakin hilarious.

FAQs ABOUT QUATTRO FOR WOMEN® TRIMSTYLE™

Is Quattro for Women® TrimStyleTM razor just for my bikini area, or can I use it on other parts of my body? like my stache?

Is the trimmer safe? I'm worried I might cut myself.

really? this is part of the FAQ? its a razor, it has blades, you may nick yourself, isnt this a given? yes, even your vajayjay isnt safe. but their answer? "Extensive safety tests show that it won't cut your skin when used properly. As always, care should be taken when using any razor or trimmer, especially in sensitive areas or on delicate skin."

Is the battery in the trimmer replaceable?

What sort of battery does it take?

Um, im sure it says on the packaging.

How do I know when I need to change the battery?

Really? well when the little fucker doesnt turn on anymore, chances are you need a new battery. unless you thought your vajayjay broke it. I'm surprised there isnt a disclaimer for - not for use as a vibrator or i mean a personal massager. ok, that was terrible, i know.

Can I plug the razor into a wall outlet?

uh, didnt we just say it was battery operated? why would it have a cord to be plugged in? yeah, that would really be an inconvenience in the shower dont you think?

and so on and so forth..

oh and then i found this little gem of a commercial - from the UK:

And the lovely lyrics to the jingle:

Sometimes a girl can't help feeling a little blue
When everything's a mess
My favorite thing to do
Is mow the lawn!
Mow the lawn
Mow it! Do it! Cut it! Trim it!
Some bushes are really big
Some gardens are mighty small
What ever shape your topiary
It's easy to trim them all
Whenever I see a weed
I mow that rascal down
So all that's left for me to see
Are tulips on the mound
So mow the lawn
Mow the lawn
Tool shed's equipped
My floor is clipped
Never feel untidy
Just spruce up your Aphrodite
And mow the lawn
Feeling rough around the edges?
And mow the lawn
It feels great to trim the hedges
And mow the lawn

ahahhaaa..HILARIOUS! "whenever i see a weed, i mow that rascal down" and "my floor is clipped" oh and of course "just spruce up your Aphrodite" I will have to use that from now.

oh and cant leave the boys out, introducing the all area shaver (still a design concept) for the sasquatch in you or the one you married:
more info here, complete with ken doll illustrations of places men should be hair free.

Anthony Bourdain - No Reservations

2009-08-12T12:28:00.000-07:00

Did anyone watch the SF episode? Anyone else feel disappointed or gypped? ok, maybe it was just me. I mean sure, House of Prime Rib is good and all and yes, of course fruitvale for the taco trucks. thats trucks, not just one truck in which he visited and actually one of my favorite taco places over there isnt even a truck - its called Mariscos la costa - SO GOOD. I have yet to try their tortas though, which came highly recommended. I just cant get enough of their 1 dollar tacos - al pastor - sooo good. and thats it for our side of the bay? i mean dont be scurred of oakland tony, it aint all that bad. i guess my problem with the episode was how short and not sweet it felt. it felt completely rushed and like there really was no heart in it except if he was eating it. like he complained or heard of the complaints of the ferry building farmers market (which i totally agree with) so then why not show the difference of that farmers market with that of the nitty gritty one that happens at the civic center location? or the ones across the bay over in oakland? huh? huh?

i mean, i know he had made visits before to the bay area and those episodes were better. i dont know, maybe it IS just me. dont get me wrong, i still love the show though.

Open letter to Mom #2

2009-08-04T13:34:00.000-07:00

Hi Mom,

This weekend was spent doing nothing, which i rather prefer. Charlie usually works on Sundays so Saturday is usually spent coaxing him to help me move furniture or where i try and help him get a hold on the mess that has erupted in our house as of late. but im pretty useless these days. feeling bigger and more uncomfortable as the days goes by. i found the card you sent me after we made a trip down to tell you that we were pregnant. you expressed how excited you were. that you were overjoyed. and that if i had any questions or concerns to give you a call. well, i broke down crying. as you can imagine why. and i am still holding back the tears as i write this. i have many questions but unfortunately you aren't here to answer them. and i can't help but feel guilty at times when you were so readily available and i chose not to call you. i know our relationship was never the best, but it also was never that bad.

anyway, the baby is doing well at least i hope he is. he is always moving, especially when im trying to sleep or snooze before having to really get up to go to work. i have about 19 days till my maternity leave and i cant wait. im excited, scared and a bit indifferent at least on the labor part. i was hoping i could ask you all sorts of questions when it came time to that - what was labor like with me, was it natural, did you take any drugs to manage the pain etc.

sigh.

i love you mom, and i miss you. i have connected with some great people regarding their own experiences with bipolar disorder. I have also been participating in suicide prevention organizations and suicide loss support groups. it really does help to write it all out or just to cry it all out sometimes. sometimes its hard to imagine you are really gone.

much love,
Cherlyn

Jam of the month

2009-07-27T09:04:00.000-07:00

So I obviously slacked on making my jam of the month for July, and now since its almost August, well..but then on friday, i just really wanted to make something so I made some special jam. well at first it was going to be jam and then i thought why not marmalade, but I think I didnt put enough lemon peels. anyway, I used plums that grow in our yard and lemons from someone else's yard, and store bought strawberries. This was a small batch though, so it's only going out to a few people for the July/August month. It's sort of a tribute to my mom, hence the elephant and bird of peace on the label, oh yeah and the dedication.

I love you mom, i miss you still.

everyday i write the book

2009-07-24T13:15:00.000-07:00

When you kill yourself, you kill every memory everyone has of you. You're saying, "I'm gone and you can't even be sure who it is that's gone, because you never knew me."

--Joan Wickersham

I don't think that statement is true at least not for me - all i have are memories of her and even if they play tricks on me, its what i dearly hold on to aside from pictures and her old cards and emails. Though its true, I probably never knew her but I will never forget and I will surely pass on her memory to her grandson, no matter what.

I just ordered Joan Wivkersham's book - The Suicide Index: Putting My Father's Death in Order - or at least I think I ordered it. I ordered so many books on amazon the past few days on grieving, surviving suicide and also on creative nonfiction writing and personal essay techniques. Since I find it therapeutic to write, I figured why not try and write a book about my whole experience with my mother, her disease, becoming a mother myself and her suicide. Don't know if it will ever see the light of published day, but it whatever.

I have written emails to some of my mom's friends regarding her death and I think it would be wise to have those be incorporated somehow into the book. I have also been communicating via email with my mom's husband and he informed me that he just stumbled upon a "womens notes" journal of sorts of my moms that has in it, an eerily identical "note" or passage of what he had received in his letter, but dated sometime in the late 90's. The words and syntax were the same he said. Funny he says, the more he learns about my mom after her death, the more he feels like he is healing.

**On Saturday, November 21, 2009, simultaneous conferences for survivors of suicide loss will take place throughout the U.S. and internationally. There will be one in SF, and I hope to attend and maybe even speak.

Please visit the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention for more information.

Bipolar disorder

2009-07-20T13:15:00.000-07:00

My mother suffered from bipolar disorder, yet little if any, knew of this. She was great at hiding her pains and worries because often times she was around people when she was at her highs able to have the energy to help others instead.

Bipolar disorder or what is also known as manic depression, affects between one and two million Americans. Bipolar disorder affects both sexes equally, but there is a higher incidence of rapid cycling, mixed states, and cyclothymia in women. Early-onset bipolar disorder tends to occur more frequently in men and it is associated with a more severe condition.

Bipolar disorder is the most common psychotic disorder, and experts believe that it occurs in 1% of people among all age groups.

Early-Onset Bipolar Disorder (child & adolescent bipolar disorder)

In one survey, 59% of bipolar disorder patients had their first symptoms when they were children or adolescents. Typically, there was a very long delay until the condition was diagnosed and treated. Bipolar symptoms in young people closely mimic those in adulthood, but may have slight differences:

* The initial episodes are more likely to be depressive. In fact, a 2001 study reported that 33% of children who experienced major depression developed bipolar I by age 21 and 15% of them had bipolar II disorder.
* Manic phases usually begin in adolescence or young adulthood, with an average age of onset being 18 years. Mood often involves irritability, but in general symptoms, resemble those seen in adults (euphoria and grandiosity, flight of ideas, racing thoughts, and a decreased need for sleep).

Early-onset bipolar disease is also associated with the following characteristics:

* A family history of bipolar disorder. Children with bipolar disorder who have one or more parents with the same disorder often have a more severe form than does the affected parent.
* A higher incidence of comorbidities (accompanying conditions that include panic disorder, conduct disorder, substance abuse, suicidal behavior, and psychotic symptoms during bipolar episodes). Young patients are at higher risk for these complications regardless of the presence or absence of supportive parents.
* The condition is often more severe in children than in adult patients, with a higher risk for mixed mania (simultaneous depression and mania), multiple and frequent cycles, and a long duration of illness without well periods.

Of note, symptoms of bipolar disorder in children are often confused with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Furthermore, the two conditions can coincide. In one study, 65% of adolescents with bipolar disorder met criteria for ADHD. Yet another study indicated that close to 25% of children diagnosed with ADHD either already had bipolar disorder or go on to develop it. The risk for both diagnoses is highest in white males. Symptoms are also more severe in people with both conditions.

Adult-Onset Bipolar Disorder - Now, because I am not aware of my mother's childhood, this is probably the type of disorder she was diagnosed with, however I believe early signs of depression could have been a part of her life even as a child, so I wouldnt necessarily disregard the factors of early onset bipolar disorder.

Bipolar disorder can also appear for the first time in people over the age of forty. In fact, age 40 is another peak of onset for women. Bipolar disorder that occurs late in life often either follows many years of repeated episodes of unipolar depression or it accompanies medical and neurological problems (particularly cerebrovascular disease, such as stroke). It is less likely to be associated with a family history of the disorder than earlier-onset bipolar disorder. (My Mom would have been 38 years old when she was first diagnosed, but most definitely had repeated episodes of depression)

Patients with bipolar disorder, especially type II or cyclothymic disorder, have frequent episodes of major depression. Anxiety disorders also commonly coexist in these patients. For example, the occurrence of panic disorder in bipolar patients is 26 times that of the general population. Bipolar patients, particularly those with type II, are also subject to phobias. In one study, the presence of anxiety disorders was also associated with longer and more severe bipolar depressive episodes and with a higher risk for suicide.

Some experts believe that many of these disorders may actually be variations of a single disease.

I know my mom had also suffered from panic attacks and or anxiety disorders, even irregular heart palpitations, which never received a full diagnosis on its cause or onset. Usually stress is the common answer that the doctors gave as a trigger, but obviously there was an underlying or other cause, but never looked into. The right questions were never asked and so...

When I was 16 years old (my brother would have been 11), my mother had already made an attempt to end her life. After struggling with her beloved fathers death in 1992 and a long and winded struggle with her marriage and the resulting separation and divorce. I found her after spending the weekend with my dad for the first time in months since the separation. The doctors had said, if she had access to more drugs and was not interrupted, she would have accomplished what she had set out to do. Although, I think it was her call for help and not necessarily that she wanted to end it all and of course if she at this time already was suffering from the disorder - having her kids be away from her would have obviously triggered a low. This was her first, that I had known of, call for help. As this past week has reminded me, 16 years ago I was also running on autopilot. Having to mediate between local departments such as the police, the hospital and then her subsequent institutionalization - which didnt last long. this time around I had to deal with what cw called a 3 ring circus. having to deal with my mom's side of the family, her husband and his family, and my own family - her unborn grandchild and my already troubled and sensitive brother.

Over the years, my mother had made a dramatic change in her personality. As a child, I remember her being angry and more strict than my father ever was, but after her separation from my father, she had become more self isolated, moody and quiet. After this 1993-94 incident, we went about life as if nothing really happened. My mom became sweeter in her demeanor, often over extending herself to others. Around 1995, my brother and I moved in with my dad permanently. At this point my mother and I had lost the closeness that we never really even had. my memory is terrible during and beyond those years of 1993-94. i have trouble distinguishing fact from fiction, or remembering if any a memory that is true. It's all kind of a jumble, a mess that i have yet to decipher. I couldn't tell you what happened to my mother after that - where she lived, how she moved on..i remember bits and scattered pieces, again, not sure if they are true memories or memories i have concocted due to pictures or stories from other parties involved.

In 1997-98, I moved away to Santa Cruz to transfer to the UC to complete college. Moving away from the insanity and dysfunction of my family was something I had been planning and hoping on for a very long time. My ticket out. My personal essay involved my childhood sexual abuse and my mother's attempt at suicide. the pity party - clearly the key to get into a college. and i said good bye and kind of never looked back. i visited occasionally of course, but i was off in my own world. my brother at this time was 13 or 14 years old and in 1996 my Dad had remarried (not without the usual gossip behind it, of course) and had another child, my oh so cute little sister. my world at this time consisted of trials and errors, many many errors. dealing with my own bouts of depression, bouts of trying to please others and ignoring myself. losing myself and finding my own self worth - which only occurred pretty recently. throughout the years i learned to not be so enabling, to not be enabled myself and so on. yet, whenever i encountered my mother - i would revert back to my old self, mounted with past resentments that had never been fully resolved and would become a complete bitch sometimes. it was awful. she would be this super sweet person to me and to everyone of my friends - which only pushed her real pain away into hiding - and only irritated me more. i never fully understood, or i just pushed it away like she did, and focused on trying to achieve a healthier me.

anyway, i dont really know where i was getting with that..

if anything or anyone is to blame for my mother's death, it was the disorder. people who knew her where in complete shock, as was I, since the last time I saw her was at my baby shower that she threw and received an email only a couple of days before her death. little did I know that would be the last we communicated. but unlike her friends and others, I also knew the burdens she had weighing her down, so as much as it was a shock it wasn't a complete shock. For most that knew her, they couldn't ever remember a time when my mother was not in the best of moods and or not helping others with their own problems and always being there either by phone, a card or in person. But because of the inability to acknowledge the illness, a hallmark of manic depression, people with the disorder are unlikely to seek help for themselves when they need it, or faithfully take medications that help stabilize them. My mother was prescribed several medications and often found little help from them and would stop her treatment. also during the highs, they feel as though they are doing better because it is far different from when they suffer their lows - when they are depressed. The seductiveness of mania is a particular problem of bipolar disorder - many people enjoy the euphoric highs and increased energy that come with a manic episode, and sometimes are reluctant to control them through treatment.

Also what is difficult is our family's culture and their traditions, on my mom's side at least. it had always felt that life was laced with secrets and gossip. No one was really open about anything lest it would be talked about and criticized and left you feeling ashamed. Often it had felt that any honesty was shameful. For example, my own sexual abuse which lead to a discussion and education of my own mother's childhood sexual abuse. this was never spoken of and always hidden that we ourselves carried the guilt of. For her, I'm not sure it was ever resolved. For me i'd like to think so, but only time can tell. I am lucky to have the support of a strong, wonderful and loving husband, who even if he doesnt understand me at times, is there to be understanding and compassionate. Along with my friends who put up with me. And yes, my family is there too - mostly my Dad's side. My mom's side, after all of this - yes, in some way, yes, but..

something to take away from this tragedy is this: 1) we should never be too busy to say hello, to say thank you, to drop a line now and then, to make a phone call, to just stay connected. - My mom was able to do this. to attend all the family functions. to remember a birthday, to send a thank you card or a holiday card etc. 2) to be present, to have compassion and understanding, to be available and open without judgment or shame to those who may need us or us them. - My mother, despite her own burdens and worry, was always available to lend a hand, a shoulder to cry on, or just an ear to listen. 3) and for those who suffer from a mental illness and their families - please be aware and educate yourselves of the signs and symptoms and to have an open and honest dialogue amongst each other.

For more information on Bipolar disorder please visit these sites:

National Institute on Mental Health

Bipolar Disorder Focus

Hopeline

Equilibrium, Bipolar Foundation

The Ryan Licht Sang Bipolar Foundation - Early onset bipolar disorder

Being Bipolar Today

Bipolar world

Bipolar Hope

an open letter to my mother

2009-07-15T22:33:00.001-07:00

Some may think that this is an inappropriate place to post something like this. But I want to make this a habit from now on to write a letter to my Mom, just as some people write letters to their child. So that I can write to her about things like the upcoming birth of her grandson. Which she used to read about from my pregnancy blog. or to write to her because some big thing happened at work, since now, I can no longer share those moments, at least physically by picking up the phone or sending her an email and expecting a response. And i know sometimes it is too little too late, but you have to start somewhere. and this is where i can start...

July 15, 2009

Hi Mom,

I am so sorry. As much as you think you were such a bad mother - it is quite the opposite, I was a bad daughter. I was not great at keeping up a good relationship with you.and as ridiculous as all of that sounds..we did what we could right? I wish i had more time with you. i really thought that the birth of your grandson, would be a catalyst for us to be closer, to bond over being parents. a time for you to allow me your wisdom that when i was younger, i didn't make time for. i am so sorry that i didnt try sooner. we are all thinking what if what if. why didnt i this why didnt i that. i really hope you didnt think you were a terrible mother because that is so far from the truth. i know you wrote that, but i only hope that you knew. i could not be who i am today without your help. i want to tell you that, from hearing your friends speak and tell me that you were so proud of me of all the things i accomplished, of who i am, that part of that is your doing. i was borne of you, i am a part of you.

im sorry for any hurt i may have caused you, for any burden or pain. im sorry for any misunderstandings that may still remain. you were a huge part of my life, which i know i never expressed. and my life you have given me, that I am so grateful for. its only natural that i think - if only i could have been there for you more. Mom, i am so sorry for all life's worry and the burdens that had caused you so much stress. and now its all over, and yes I am left with regret. but i know, we both did what we could and loved each other true. May you rest in peace now, and may God be with you.

victory is mine!

2009-07-01T20:41:00.000-07:00

and $900 went to the organization that has put a heavy burden on my shoulders since late last year regarding this damn exam, that yesterday, i finally fucking passed. and now all i have left to do is be pregnant and continue to cook this baby inside me until he is good and ready to be born.

the morning of the exam i was a nervous wreck, not having slept the night before or really from not having any decent sleep in the last few months. part pregnancy and part fear of failing yet again, for the third time. i have known about this exam, for a few months after having failed the second time around by a mere 4 points (you need a passing score of 170 out of 200). i knew i had to take it again and my work was backing me up every step of the way and this time around, since LEED NC version 2.2 was going to be retired and a whole new way of credentialing was going to be enacted with many more hoops to go thru (which i am absolutely in favor of), my boss jumped in on the wagon to also take it on the very last day you could - the same day i was taking it.

But my boss took his exam at 8 am. i was taking mine at 6 pm. yes, half of me wanted him to fail. so when 10 am (you are timed and given 2 hours to complete the exam) came around and i hadnt heard from him, i was somewhat content but then sure enough he calls around 10:20 and says he's green, meaning he passed. he not only passed, he fucking killed it! 195/200! (no pressure or anything). by this time, i had already been up a few hours, had my breakfast and was trying to tackle the reference guide. he told me what he could remember of the test, not specific questions but some tips here and there and im like - they didnt ask you for calculations or anything? anything about a women's only restroom and flush and flow rates, etc? - this was what i remember from my exam plus a few other more difficult questions. anyway, i had no doubt my boss was actually going to pass the exam. killing it on the other hand, yeah, kind of. he is an electrical and mechanical engineer by trade and education. he has been in the design build business for over 20 years, i think he has plenty more common sense than i would if i were to get stumped by a question, especially regarding ASHRAE standards or any of that sort which have a lot to do with mechanical (HVAC) units. he said if it wasnt for the online practice exams, he couldnt have passed - that that was his main study tool. unfortunately for me, this was not my study tool.

so, i of course was in a panic. my boss, being the boss, was able to take off weeks from work in order to fully study, i on the other hand could not. except he gave me a couple of days to do so and then i requested 2 more days. so in total i have had 4 days. and well i have very poor study habits. im a crammer, not a studier. anyway, i didnt want to disappoint my boss, yet again and the pressure of him already passing was looming. i did not want to go into work a failure.

my test was in the city so i took bart and had an hour to kill before the test. i was planning on studying right before the test, but after looking over the stuff and listening to an audio version of the reference guide (and yes, i even tried to listen to it when i went to bed the night before, hoping it would just sink in), i kind of had enough. if i knew it, i knew it, and if i didnt, no amount of cramming right before the test would help any. if anything, it would just screw up what i did have memorized and make me more of a nervous, self doubting wreck.

so on my walk to the test site close to union square, everyone in suits, rushing out of their offices and calling it a day, i notice this dude walking up from behind me fidgeting. i have a huge messenger bag and other stuff draping in the front of me. the guy walks a few feet, takes a look behind him and then walks a few more feet, kind of stops and then continues walking and then all of a sudden he turns around and walks towards me a good 6 feet and asks - excuse me, do you know where union square is. this guy didnt look like a tourist, he looked like he just got out of work. and youd hit union square if you kept walking straight ahead - which is what i told him, and then i guess he suddenly realizes, as i move about and push my bag behind me - oh, and congratulations. um, how far along are you? well you take it easy....anyways...so weird. i get to the building and im like - im not ready to face the music just yet - so i grab a pizza and think ok, ill do a once over..which didnt help any. when i did go into the building you have to check in and sign stuff and the security guard wanted to play a guessing game and find out which test taker i was on the list. by this time i had about 20 mins to get to the test site and this fool wanted to play games with me? he of course never got my name and off i went. only i thought i heard him say that the elevators are locked due to it being after hours. and im to go the 6th floor? im like wait, did i hear him right. i aint walking up 6 flights of stairs..anyway it wasnt locked at least not yet.

sigh, so i get there and i remember the woman and of course she doesnt remember me. i used my brand new phillippine passport as id - and she was like - youre filipino? anyway..she was nice, asked how far along i was and so forth. and i needed to use the bathroom. the last time i was here, i always thought if someone wanted to cheat - you can so do it by stashing things in the bathroom. anyway, this other nice lady completed signing me in and wished me luck and asked how far along i was. the test site has cameras and a controlled room and you have to abide by these rules, they even check your pockets for lint and so forth. the lady asked me to stay in the corner before proceeding to my assigned station. as i watched her walk over to the empty stations she stops at #3 - which is my favorite number (if you can even have a favorite number) to which i told myself - this should be a good sign, right? and then waves me over and i got my lucky station which had a squeaky chair. anyway, unlike the tests previously where i was completely nervous and felt i was already going to fail before i started, i didnt frantically do a "brain dump" or figit or try and vomit out any information that was swimming in my head. i just told myself, i can do this. i know this shit. i will pass. and off i went...it was definitely not the same test i had had before. it was not as difficult but it wasnt easy either. at the end of the exam you can choose to do a survey and prolong the results of your exam..and so i took it..i felt good about my exam but i was still nervous and i started to doubt myself once again..anyway, after i finished the survey and hit end, i held my breath and and and...boom - PASSED....THANK FUCKING GOD. now i didnt pass with flying colors or even one color but i passed none the less, at that is all that matters.

after the exam i couldnt wait to scream with joy - again the testing center is pretty close to being like high school detention while taking your SATs - making any noise was against their rules. i walked out of that site center and did the whole fist pump in the air. all i could feel on my face was this huge smile and heat. i ended up meeting a friend who i hadnt seen in a few months and we um, went to my old favorite hang out - a dive bar in my old neighborhood. AND i ran into an old friend and neighbor who i hadnt seen or heard from in a few years! so all in all it was fucking cool. i was like dang, this is why im not social - its cause of the damn exam. now thats behind me, lets party (with virgin cocktails of course) but no, when i got home my body was not happy. yeah, the reason why i have a low tolerance for social gatherings is not because of the test, its because im pregnant. oh well. it was fun though.

but all the while after it faded, i started to feel like it wasnt real that there was still something looming over me. it wasnt till this morning that i felt like i passed. i kept worrying that there was some mistake and that i really failed the exam. i still had my headaches, i was still all a mess. i was still doubting myself. but this morning i got a short and sweet confirmation email that i did in fact pass and now am officially a LEED AP (though they wont be able to update the directory for awhile).

okay, i think ive bored you enough...off to LA to enjoy the heat, the pool, family and food..my family is throwing me a baby shower packed with all the filipino dishes my heart desires - we're even having lechon!

*sorry if this post was all over the place. i started writing it yesterday but never got around to finishing it till now.

Three

2009-06-25T16:21:00.000-07:00

As they say, death/passing - it happens in threes: Rest in Peace...

but it was MJ's passing that ignited several text messages from family and friends. even both my coworkers received phone calls and text messages. AND my supervisor's old fashioned dad, who isnt even american, called him and broke the news once again...

im sure like all other kids who grew up in the 80's, you all danced and copied the choreography of thriller and got it down to be able to show it off to your family..since im 1 of 17 grand kids - you can imagine that at some point we achieved this great feat (i think i have pictures). i remember having a fake red leather jacket and reeboks to boot! man..memories.

weird email

2009-06-22T11:37:00.001-07:00

so today i got this email. i really dont know how she even got my email but she got it and sent me this:

Hello Cherlyn!
I too am filiopino. im writing you to ask you to join our group called Filopinos Taking Our World Back

or FTOWB

We are a new group who organised last year in Manilla. We are fighting to keep our heritage alive and to preserve our race. I was wondering if you would like to join our san francisco chapter. We meet on wednesdays at the civic center library.

We are calling for all filopinos to only hav sex with other filiopinos and only have children wwith filopino men, also we ask that you find a church to attend regulary.

We are a new group trying to recreate the society that the white evil man took from our hands!

please join our kause.

sincerley
cassy guiterez

and again:

Hello cherlyn,

Our group emailed you about our cause! please take us seriously as the world is coming to an end and we believe we as filopinos are gods chosen people....please

call me...this is urgent!
415-826-4200

the filopino culture is tooo sacred to not call!

we need your support!
thanks
cassy

to which i replied:

Well as I am a filipina and value my heritage and plan to teach my kids tagalog and about their culture. I am happily married to a non-filipino (read - a white evil man) male and as i understand your cause, i do not believe that segregation is quite the answer to spread the wealth of our filipino heritage.

but thank you for thinking of me - where did you get my information?

to which she replied with:

then you are not one of us!
please call so we can convince you over the phone
now!

to which i replied:
no, im pretty sure im filipino and what is there to convince me of?

that in order to be proud of my heritage and to be filipino i am supposed to hate other cultures, people and races - so basically do what ignorant people have been doing to us as filipinos and filipino americans for generations..yeah no thank you.

the phone number she gave when you look it up is supposedly the one for St. Francis diner in the outer mission - which i lived a block away from many years ago (they have a guiness float and a great tuna melt)

and her name pops up as cassy ford but she signs it as cassy guiterez - which perhaps she herself married an evil white man..so i suppose the Spaniards are considered the evil white man? or anyone who isnt filipino the evil white people??

yes, one of my guilty pleasures is receiving and responding to these spam type emails, even the ones from supposed australian banks or what not. its how i pass my day sometimes, when bored. especially today when our a/c in the office is NOT working - its fucking85 degrees INSIDE. this is probably not good for my part filipino, part white evil man baby...

thunder bolt of lightning, very very frightening

2009-06-21T09:59:00.000-07:00

lately i have been experiencing these sporadic shots of pain - headaches unlike the ones im used to having, pregnant (headaches are a common symptom of pregnancy) or otherwise. as a teenager and up till my 20's i had suffered migraines, so the nuisance and pain isnt something new to me. but this type of pain was. its like when you get a back spasm randomly out of nowhere that sends you over the edge and you double back in pain. you just stop and be still and then it goes away only to come back again. its kind of like that, except in my brain. it comes and goes and is only for a split second or so. sometimes closer together sometimes not. and the pain doesnt linger for long. but it is as if a lightning bolt struck and jabbed a 16 penny nail into the left side of my brain which also affects my left eye and ear. the medical world apparently calls this an ice pick headache.

1. Head pain occurring as a single stab or a series of stabs and fulfilling criteria B–D
2. Exclusively or predominantly felt in the distribution of the first division of the trigeminal nerve (orbit, temple and parietal area)
3. Stabs last for up to a few seconds and recur with irregular frequency ranging from one to many per day
4. No accompanying symptoms
5. Not attributed to another disorder

Ice pick headaches are considered a “primary headache” because there isn't a deeper underlying cause. The headache itself is the problem. Although they may occur independently, they're more likely to occur as part of another primary head pain disorder.1 A secondary headache has another cause such as a tumor, stroke, or something as simple as not eating.

These short, sharp headaches can be located anywhere on the head, but they're usually located near the orbit, temple, or parietal region (the region near the parietal bone, one of two bones that form the posterior roof and sides of the skull).2

Although people who experience ice pick headaches are usually those who have Migraine disease, or another head pain disorder, the ice pick headaches usually occur by themselves rather than during a Migraine attack or headache. Usually, they occur a few times a day at most. In rare cases, however, they occur frequently through the day, requiring treatment. The major problem with treatment, of course, is that the pain is so brief, if it's not treated until it occurs, it's gone before the patient can even take medication. In those rare cases where it does need treatment, preventive treatment with indomethacin (Indocin) usually works.3

Ice pick headaches occur in up to 40% of individuals who experience Migraines, often located in or near the usual location of their Migraines. They can occur at any time of day or even wake people from sleep. Those who do need to use indomethacin for prevention should remember that it is an NSAID, and has the potential side effects typically associated with NSAIDs. Those potential side effects include heartburn, nausea, gastroesophageal reflux and bleeding problems, and gastric ulcers. In rare cases, indomethacin can cause eye problems. Thus annual examinations by an ophthalmologist are recommended for anyone taking it on a regular basis.4

yeah not like i can take any medicine right now anyway. oh well, sigh...there was so much i wanted to do today, but i havent been able to sleep because ive been suffering from this since last nights trip to trader joes.

anyways, maybe eating and making those cupcakes will help with some of the nuisance. supposedly getting enough sleep can help to alleviate the occurrences, my how i wish i could get enough sleep..

oh and by the way - Happy Father's day to all the dads and dads to be..

TGIF

2009-06-19T10:58:00.000-07:00

how i started my friday:

5:45 am - cw's alarm goes off so he can get up to do his thing and go to work. only thing is, he was off today.

6:00 am - my dad decides to text me saying he's on the road again. he's driving to atlanta - dont ask.

now im thinking crap, i gotta pee. no i dont, yes, you do. no just go back to sleep, your alarm will go off in an hour, you can get up and pee then...

6:10 am - switch positions

6:15 am - think about getting up, but dont. still uncomfortable. switch positions

6:48 am - wow, i slept a bit!

6:56 am - did my alarm not go off?

7:00 am - alarm goes off, SNOOZE IT

7:15 am - cw's other alarm goes off and he tells me - its 7:15..ayyy, i know!

7:20 am - my REAL alarm goes off..fucking great..guess ill get up in 5 minutes.

and so i did, and made myself breakfast and cw drove me to work..its nice out already

i think we're going to see away we go (how appropriate, no?) tonight, at least thats what we had planned a couple of days ago..and ive been dreaming of Auntie Em's red velvet cupcakes that i googled it and wouldnt you know there's a recipe online. turns out they were on the food network's throwdown with bobby flay (i hate bobby flay) and sadly lost to bobby flay (oh how i hate him) most likely because one of the two judges was Auntie Em's rival, Candace Nelson of Sprinkles Cupcakes fame, so whatever.. but i think i'll make these lovely treats:

Ingredients
For the cupcakes:

* 15 1/2 ounces all-purpose flour
* 1 1/4 teaspoons baking soda
* 1 1/4 teaspoons salt
* 1 1/4 teaspoons unsweetened cocoa powder
* 1 1/2 cups vegetable oil
* 13 ounces granulated sugar
* 1 1/4 cups buttermilk
* 3 eggs

Directions

2 tablespoons plus 2 teaspoons red food coloring

* 1 1/4 teaspoons vinegar (white or apple cider can both work)
* 1 1/4 teaspoons vanilla extract
* 1/8 cup water

For the cream cheese frosting:

* 1 1/2 pounds cream cheese, room temperature
* 1 pound butter, room temperature
* 2 pounds powdered sugar, sifted
* 1 tablespoon vanilla extract

For the cupcakes:

Preheat oven 350 degrees F.

Sift together flour, baking soda, salt, and cocoa powder into a bowl and set aside.

In a mixer fitted with paddle attachment, mix oil, sugar, and buttermilk until combined. Add eggs, food coloring, vinegar, vanilla and water and mix well. Add the dry ingredients a little bit at a time and mix on low, scraping down sides occasionally, and mix until just combined. Be sure not to over mix, or the batter will come out tough.

Line a 16-cup cupcake pan with paper liners, scoop the batter into the liners and bake at 350 degrees F for 20 to 30 minutes or until the toothpick comes out clean. Let cool.
For the cream cheese frosting:

Whip the butter and cream cheese together in a mixer fitted with a paddle attachment until creamed. Gradually add powdered sugar to the mixture and scrape down the bowl as needed. Add the vanilla and mix until combined.

The frosting can be used right away, or stored in the refrigerator up to a week.

Frost cooled cupcakes with the cream cheese frosting.

**a bit of warning, these are for large almost muffin sized cupcakes..so eyeball it for sure, check out the comments..i think i will make mini bundt cakes with them and see how that turns out.

Then enjoy!

im just sayin

2009-06-17T10:03:00.000-07:00

well..i had a post that i was writing up yesterday and today i felt a little different about it so, thats the end of that. sort of.

as you all know, cw finally got a job and as much as i have some reservations on how it will all play out or how unfair/fair i think his new job is treating him, its his thing. and if and when he has a problem with it, is when ill butt my nose in it. until then i need to just let it go. im not his mother and he isnt a 12 year old kid with a paper route, so there it is. one thing is for sure, i know he is loving it or at least he was. last night i think exhaustion settled in. he's been working since saturday (and supposedly his next day off is sunday). he conked out at 8:45 pm. he didnt even want to continue watching baseball. cw, not watch baseball?

i guess my difficulty as of right now is - i know i need to let go of my own expectations and my own experiences that i habitually attach to all things cw or otherwise. there is still one kink i would like to work on with him though and thats the fact that sometimes, i feel as if im not being heard or taken seriously or ..i cant really find the word to describe it. i mean, he listens but he listens in a way that his listening is to satisfy the fact that - yes, dear, i hear ya. and thats where it ends. no action or other thought goes into what it is i have said. but when his mother says something, or other trusted friends, he not only listens, he takes it in and does something with it - pursues it in some way. and then of course, comes to me and repeats the same stuff i had already been saying to him, only he doesnt remember or rather never acknowledged it cause rather than actually listening, he spoke and said - yes dear, i hear ya. I've brought this up before (remember the taco bell incident? i think i wrote a post on it) and he told me not to give up on him and to continue to speak my mind and let him know my thoughts on things. and i was satisfied with that answer but now i know, that that isnt going to solve anything since nothing is really being done on his part, its like him saying yes, dear im sorry and leaving it at that. it's like apologizing only to do the same thing again, because all you are doing is saying you are sorry without having to actually do something about it. does that make sense?

and i think i have said this before, in which i think that cw still is going the same route he had been going before he had met me or rather treating things that come up or not even thinking about things that can and will come up because he is still in a state of single guy mentality. you would have thought that 7 months ago, the mere fact of me becoming pregnant would be a catalyst to do something different or that things can not and will not be the same or how it was. not that i want him to panic and be pushed in a corner because life as we both know it will change in a few months time. but that now, the way you were seeing your life, the way you were going about your life has shifted, whether you know it or not and like it or not. for me it has been changing, the moment we met, the moment we started living together, the moment we moved to oakland, the moment BEFORE i even found out i was pregnant. maybe because im female and i over analyze things and think and think and make up scenarios in my head and see where one path would take me and so on and so forth, so that i can do something about where it is i want my life to be headed or to go. my single former 20-something lush self had to evolve and to want and need different things, but maybe what i had wanted all along was rooted in the same things i want and need now as a married and pregnant 30-something, stability.

i know there are things i still have to change of and with myself, but i also know that i have come a long way too (have you read my way older posts?). and i definitely know that cw has done the same with his life. i think things have to be redirected, reevaluated, and reconfigured, which i feel we need to do together because now its not just about him or me, its about our family.

often i stare at cw while he's asleep and i lay there uncomfortably wide awake. and last night, staring at him as he was breathing deeply (almost a snore but not quite), mouth slightly agape, i smiled and thought to myself - im lucky to have all that i have and all that i dont. i love the fact that we are starting a family despite my concerns for the future. i love you cw.

one more thing

2009-06-11T15:11:00.000-07:00

just thought id share this artist's site, ten dollar drawings, pretty neat. oh and the wood blocks, however are not 10 dollars..anyway just check out the site for more info..kind of makes me think and want to spend more time drawing again..havent in years.

oh food

2009-06-11T10:13:00.001-07:00

So as i contemplated sweet lady's advice and also rummaged thru google for a restaurant style hash brown recipe - i stumbled upon this site. definitely food porn. beautiful and delicious looking pictures (oh and recipes!).

since i have like less than 100 days left of pregnancy - can you believe that?! (i did the math several times, its really not far from now - weird.) and will be taking off 12 weeks from work - meaning hardly any income. i will most likely, hopefully, get up to 55% of my salary but only for about 6 weeks thru the state. and thankfully my job is also adding 3 weeks of paid leave after that, phew! which leaves about 3 weeks of unpaid leave. anyways, with that in mind, we have to kind of keep an actual budget and be way more frugal than we are now (im the frugal one by the way). so im gonna try out some make ahead recipes and see how that goes..oh and cw, by the way, finally got a job! woo hoo! unfortunately at this time, i have no idea what the pay rate is (and neither does he) but whatever it is, its extra income we need. so i suppose his idea is to just work like mad crazy up until baby wagner comes into the world and then...quit? i dont know.. i guess we have about 3 months to figure it out.

any frugal or cost cutting tips out there that really work?

better late than never

2009-06-10T21:34:00.000-07:00

so here are those breakfast/brunch pictures i was talking about. not bad right? damn, now im hungry for some breakfast fare....now if only i could make great hash browns at home, i would be set!

well

2009-06-07T11:05:00.001-07:00

i meant to do stuff this weekend, like decorate the nursery, work on peoples websites, go on a hike and study (dont ask, really. just dont) but i didnt do shit. i did however make killer eggs benedict for breakfast yesterday (saturday) and a killer fruit de mare dish for dinner w/ garlic bread of course (and sunday brunch was pretty spectacular too - scrambled eggs. home fries and strawberry pancakes, oh my!) so at least i accomplished something, right? actually we ended up cleaning up our side yard too so we could get more sunlight into our living room, and i was snipping away at the bougainvilleas and when i looked up at the very thick snippet i saw a birds nest. fuck. and then i heard the lil babies. fuck me. i didnt know what to do..it was about to collapse and then i also felt as if the mama bird would soon come to attack me. she didnt by the way. we ended up having to move it a few feet and i was worried that the mama would abandon it cause well, you know - cause i just fucked with nature. anyway, after placing the nest - with gloves on and on a rake - so no human scent had lingered over the nest - in its new location, the mama bird flew right to it and now there is more commotion out our bedroom window than i could bear, but at least their ok (i hope).

I'll put pictures up tonight, after our birth class.

the magic

2009-06-04T17:40:00.000-07:00

no, not the orlando magic, although that game will be on in 20 minutes. did i tell you that this past tuesday, cw was so hyped on being able to get all his errands done in the city and make it back home just in time for the game? only thing was the game wasn't on that day, it's actually on tonight (by the by, cw was soooo bummed. he just sat there on the couch, staring off into space. it was kind of funny. but then i had the novel idea of going to see the movie Up. and so it became our date night instead- yay). the game i speak of is the nba finals - magic vs. lakers. anyway, so magic..wait, why did i use that as a title? because im totally a lakers fan (dont hate).

forget it, okay so anyways, where was i? oh so yeah, thats my lame introduction to the fact that i am waiting around for dinner to be served (cw is cooking, yes!) and was trolling along the internet once again and found this site and it made me happy for some odd reason. even though i have no idea who this person is, i like her because of how she writes. although, she probably wouldnt like me because i have bad grammar and i also heart things, like oakland and ross (dress for less not the friends character). but maybe she could learn to like me? for i share some of her other likes and dislikes - like, i can drive a stick and i too like the section in US weekly "Stars: They're Just Like Us" and i too hate people with elaborate facial hair. anyway, just thought i would share her site.

also i wanted to share that i have officially started a jam of the month club and have already shipped off one lovely package of jam today and will be shipping off 4 more on monday. this month's was a bit too tart for my liking but its still good - fresh organic strawberries, locally farmed plums and peaches and fresh squeezed organic orange juice plus sugar of course. each month, i'll be making a batch of jams using fruits that are in season, always locally farmed and pesticide free (not always organic but i try) and send some off to people who would like 'em. so if you want some, just let me know.

is it lunch time yet?

2009-06-02T10:23:00.000-07:00

I was trolling about on the internet, taking a little break from "working" and found out about this conservative news site called onenewsnow about how they have this filter on posts and info that switches the word "gay" to the word homosexual..so if you were Tyson Gay, the Olympic class sprinter your name is automatically changed to Tyson homosexual...anyway..intriguing no? well, of course i had to check this site out myself. but oh so glad i found this site and this to represent. oh plus this. not that im THAT political or anything.

and as msn news says - "The site has since changed its auto-replace software to exclude surnames; so while you may now be Gay on OneNewsNow, you still can't be gay."

OH and a SHOUT OUT TO ALEX - HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

memorial day weekend

2009-05-31T11:43:00.001-07:00

here are some of the photos i've been meaning to post up of our mini moon in LA. as i mentioned, we stayed in my uncle's cute cottage in old town pasadena. we had brunch at this place in eagle rock, and for someone who doesnt like sweets - their cupcakes were to die for! if you find yourself in that area, by all means you should stop on by, you wont regret it. we bought 2 of each flavor. after one bite of the carrot cake, that was my favorite until the bite of the red velvet one and so on and so forth. and im not one at all for icing, but oh the icing - simply delicious. i only bought the mini cupcakes but after eating them, i wished i had bought the regular sized ones..after awhile, i kind of felt like this while eating them, but then i had to remember i bought them to share. okay so actually i bought them to give to my siblings (thats my TWELVE YEAR OLD sister, by the way. making faces runs in the family) but, you know..anyways, on our last night there we had dinner with cw's brother and his new ladyfriend, thats him there devouring his food - in this picture, you can definitely tell they are related. i think i have at least a dozen photos of cw doing the exact same thing, but making weird faces while hes tearing at the poor crustaceans.

So I lied...

2009-05-29T11:04:00.000-07:00

as you can see, I worked on the site today and for now this is what it will look like. a bit too sweet, no? but i do have a wild fascination for birds, even though i really don't like them all that much (bird poop out of the sky is what i have a real problem with). but design wise i do love em- which is why i have so many tattooed on me.

so, before going to bed last night i mistakenly checked my emails via my phone and read an email from my mom. well, i immediately could not go to sleep and had to resolve the issue right away and send a reply, as if my ass was on fire. when just 2 minutes before i nagged at cw to turn off the computer and come to bed. whoops.

its like my parents & siblings forget that i am pregnant and still some how, some way, make things not really concerning them about them. because you know, my life and my actions totally just revolve around their wants and needs.

i knew i shouldnt have exposed my mom to my pregnancy blog, but it was sort of a cheat for me - this way i didnt have to periodically call her and tell her about how bloated i am or how hemorrhoids have gotten the best of me (okay, so it hasn't and hopefully it never will. some how, i feel like i may have jinxed myself) and other shit. but her qualms had to do with the fact that my birth plan included cw's mom and not her. the fact of the matter is - i didn't purposely choose cw's mom over my mom. and the choice wasn't intended to be resentful, or hurtful in anyway. and she also mentioned that my helping my cousin build a website for her son (technically, i think she is my mom's 1st or 2nd cousin, or something) also hurt her because she had asked for my help previously for a website of her own. now, for the record, i did help her. i gave her other sites to look into, i asked her questions about what it is that she wanted, looked for or hoped to be doing. i also asked and told her that there were a few required steps to be done before a website could be created and then i never heard about it again - this was like a couple of years ago.

so anyway, i fired off a response trying not to be too scolding or hateful but it really affected me as much as from what i can tell, it affected her. for one thing im the type of person that cant ask for help when i need it, because i think asking for help is some how showing that i am weak. but obviously it takes a stronger person to admit their own inadequacies before setting themselves up for defeat when you do things by yourself if you really cant do it by yourself. obviously there are things i can do on my own, but clearly giving birth at least for me is not one of them (people do have unassisted births, seriously). i didnt get here all by myself and since i cant transfer any of my difficulties or fears unto my partner, im just gonna have to force him to watch and be at my mercy - muahahhaha. anyway, now i feel like i cant go into my relationship with my mother. despite all the fucked up shit between my family and myself, i do not resent them for any of it. sure i may complain here and there, but im not holding a grudge or anything. i cant really blame them, okay so i can a little but everyones got their story, right?

in my pregnancy class the other day, one of the moms to be said in all her life, this was the first time she could actually relax and you know what, i would definitely have to agree. sure things affect me, as my moms email did, but it doesnt get sutured into my psyche. it may hang out a bit and i can look at it and be perplexed by it, but then its like - wait, im pregnant there are so many other things to think about, hope about, and get excited about instead of this. and so i do.

part of the reason why cw's mom will be present at our sons homebirth is, and i have stated this before, to help cw be the person i need him to be when i need him the most and the best person to do that is not my mother but his mother - right? and for me, one of my fears is shutting everyone out, including cw and his mom. like screaming out - fuck all yalls get the fuck out, im trying to push a baby out here and your cheer leading is fucking shit up..shut the fuck up, you aint helping me none..and so forth. yeah, like that and shit, hell i live in oakland now, remember. the other part of having her be there was the ease of it all - she has recently retired and because i dont have a mother daughter relationship with her like i do with my own mother, i can try and be more present during my labor and concentrate on what i need to do instead of worrying what she has to say about the state of our house and or household. if that makes any sense. nothing against my mom..and thats just that. my decision to include cw's mom has nothing to do with my mom at all. that the exclusion has nothing whatsoever to do with the inclusion. totally not realted to each other at all. and god damn it, its not about her..again, hello people - IM pregnant...what part of IM having this baby says YOU are allowed to have power over me? none. you have no power over me (ahh, bowie..hmm bowie wagner. anyone? yes? whatever.) but it doesnt mean i dont love you. cause you know i do (mom, i do love you).

sigh, well, my mom hasnt responded to my email, she did however send another email as if her previous email never even existed.

under construction

2009-05-28T16:39:00.000-07:00

sorry guys, but im going to go on a bit of a hiatus and work on other blogger's sites and clean up my own..you can still find me on my pregnancy blog, if you are really itching to find out if im okay or ive burst into flames.

if you like, you can email me
here.

stuff

2009-05-27T12:13:00.000-07:00

remember way back when, when i said i was going to do this big change thing on this site? ya, well..as you can see that didnt quite happen. but its because ive been helping other people make some changes on their own site or start a site on their own. ive done 3 so far, one for cw, one for my friends awesome independent bookstore and now for my little martial artist cousin.

anyway, yeah so ive been busy with that and getting things in order at the house for baby. my mom just got back from the philippines and brought back hellza baby shit, like mittens, little kimono style tie up shirts, and a gazillion cloth diapers. but the cloth diapers didnt fare too well in the laundry and are now more like thick cheese cloth rags. dont think it will be that good of a diaper but oh well. we'll definitely need tons of burp cloths, wipe up spill cloths and so forth.

we also just got back from a visit to LA. this time it was mostly for cw's family since every time we go down there we almost always spend it with my family. so it was a nice change. we stayed at my (i guess its our now) uncles cottage in old town pasadena, while my uncle stayed at our place up here in oakland. it was kind of like our mini moon..we headed to the beach and saw my old school and romping grounds. grabbed lunch with my younger siblings..then off to see cw's grandma with his mom..we also had dinner with his brother and his new lady friend down near santa monica. so it was mellow, unlike visits to my family!

anyways, lately i havent been feeling like working. or rather going to work. im starting to wish i could just stay home and do just about nothing except let this baby grow inside of me until its ready to enter (or exit, however you want to see it) the world. im starting to get bored and im surprised ive surpassed 3 years at the job i have. usually after 2 years im ready to move onto something new or just something else - but i guess i can't really do that right now, not in this economy or at the stage and all and seeing how we will need a good steady paycheck, im kind of stuck. i mean i like what i do, im just tired of it sometimes.

anyway so yeah - there's my little update. i think i should go eat something. i'll put more up later (yeah, i know, you've heard that one before)..

5 things

2009-05-19T11:13:00.001-07:00

1. I have been working on the nursery - bit by bit.
2. We have been capturing tons of spiders. And last night, since we captured two, we decided to put one with the other. and yes, this morning one was eaten and killed by the other one - who happens to only have 7 legs cause of a capturing mishap.
3. I am really liking our home birth prep classes. You can read more about it on my pregnancy blog.
4. I re-did cw's website to have a blog and not just his photos, since he used to blog but now, eh, not so much.
5. And I got a little jealous and sentimental too, while re-doing his site and transferring some of his old blog posts to the new one. It was about his road trip and looking at those pictures, you'd be jealous too.

2009-05-05T10:27:00.000-07:00

I feel like I should elaborate on things and give credit to cw. cw is in no way taking a back seat in all of this. I know it may feel like that sometimes for me, but as my good friend amy pointed out – he is going to go thru this pregnancy differently for the obvious reasons. And financially, we are okay now. Cw has some financial support from his family but this support isn’t going to be forever. and my fears are based on when I don’t have work. and when cw is the one taking care of the baby and not working/being supported by family. I may or may not get state disability or all the legal CA benefits of maternity leave (it’s a long story and maybe you can piece it together from past posts and future ones) when I take off for 12 weeks. 12 weeks! 12 weeks of not getting a paycheck is A LOT OF MONEY.

Anyway, cw does what he can. it may not be in the pace that I like, but he does his share and contributes the only way he knows how. He gets up earlier in the morning to make me breakfast, he drives me to work, picks me up. Gives me back rubs and foot rubs when I whine about it. Holds me when I need to be comforted. He does the laundry and does the dishes, always.

The thing about pregnancy in my experience is the burden of all those books, the advice, the normalcy or lack of, the different treatment you end up receiving, the you should be different/are different aspect, and yet your are supposed to still be you – the you before you got pregnant. Maintain a life, a career, a marriage/relationship, friendships, all the stuff we all go thru even without being pregnant. and its all a leap of faith. But I trust that it will all work out, be as it is. Now, if we could only agree on a name.

Weekend Recap and Monday blues

2009-05-04T12:38:00.000-07:00

Weekend Recap

Saturday –
argued with cw, stormed off and walked to the library for at least 2 hours. Spent the rest of the day watching tv episodes on the internet in the baby room, while pretending to study. We made up but it’s a stress factor that probably will not go away until we get used to being parents. The weight of affording a roof over our heads with one income while feeding 3 mouths, is a little difficult for me. My emotions sometimes get the best of me when I over think things these days (fine. I mean – more so, these days). Over think meaning – trying to prepare for something you can’t exactly prepare for and the one being pregnant at the same time while playing scenarios in your head and overloading on internet given (mis)information. But you do the best you can do, right? Sometimes I feel as if cw is still locked in this mentality that he is single. The mind set that he only has to willingly take care of himself and his needs and at his own pace. and no, not in a selfish way either. Cw does not have a selfish bone in his body. Some of me wishes he would take it upon himself to research daddy playgroups or childbirth classes, or just really get into the fact that in a mere 4 months, we’ll be parents. Or just prepare, or act as if he is contributing in some way. Since I am working through the entire pregnancy up to the very day I am due (we went over that I was crazy right?), I not only have to be in a sometimes demanding work mentality throughout the week but also be mindful that there is a human being growing inside me. Sometimes I feel as if I am being divided. I can’t concentrate on work sometimes when all I want to do is concentrate on becoming a mother. And sometimes it’s the other way around. Cw is great, he has always been, don’t get me wrong. He has always been great at taking care of me, of things I have voiced or am concerned with or things that irritate the fuck out of me and each other. But he’s not so good at initiating things. To start things, to take it on without having me introduce the notion first. We all have habits, and I am not immune to my bad ones. cw and I both have our own way of doing and accomplishing things, which we both need to reconsider. I guess I feel like I am doing everything. Since the fear of having only one income, I pushed cw to find a job. And since it wasn’t at the pace I would like, I started to help with his resume. I also made fliers and asked my friends about anything and everything. But he didn’t ask me to do this. So, I’m basically giving into the martyr complex. Which I absolutely hate. I hate hate hate it. I know I need to back off and allow him to do it the way he needs to do it. I just feel like he hasn’t looked into things, other prospects, avenues and utilized his many talents, experiences and education. Anyway, it just came to this – its not me or you anymore. Its us, its this baby, it’s our family. Even though we are so used to our own ways of doing things, we should just be open to everything. Open to help, to advice, to unconventional methods, to things outside of our perspective and knowledge, to things outside of our comfort zone. ahh, the ebbs and flow of pregnancy, isnt it fun?

I always fall into this trap. Ever since I was a kid, I have been used to taking care of other people. taking on adult responsibilities and wiping away my childhood. And no one asked me to do it, I just volunteered but felt like I had no choice. It was the only way I could survive, which then lead to terrible, co-dependent relationships and friendships. And I do it to myself, none of the people have ever asked me to take over their responsibilities. I do not want to be that person anymore. I thought I had grown out of it and learned but becoming an actual mother has obviously and naturally led me to revisit this of myself. I just need to remember - I don’t know everything and I do not know what is right for the next person. I also am only responsible for myself and this baby, the future I can prepare for but can only do something about today.

Anyway, this kind of reminds me, I saw somewhere that Dr. Phil is asking for mothers of home births to participate in a show..seems like a trap if you ask me. They will probably only focus on the horror stories and push the AMA propaganda that hospital births are the ONLY safe methods. And that midwives, and home births should be outlawed.

Sunday –

Did a little retail therapy. yes, I know what you are thinking, but let me explain – I am cheap. So its not like I went all out crazy racking up a credit card bill that I will later have to put up a website for and ask for donations. Hmm, maybe I should set up a “help me pay for my baby” site. Seriously, there is a “help pay for my dream wedding” site and plenty of others to irritate you throughout the day. Anyway, I bought a router so I can watch Netflix instantly in the living room on our huge tv - which was free (i stole it from my dad). And I bought 2 shirt dresses and two tank tops which was like $60 all together. Do you know how much maternity clothes cost? Fortunately for me, shirt dresses are in at the tween shops. Oh and then we went to target, but only bought bras and shampoo and ahem..a topsy turvy thingy. Hey, I’ll save on tomatoes by growing them myself. I love tomatoes. And actually want to see if I can make something like it for other vegetables. Which I hear is easy to do.

Monday blues –

Top 5 things I did this morning:

1. Answered a few Yahoo questions. Have you guys looked at these? Some of the questions, well..I’ll leave you to ponder them yourself.
2. Started to write a post, but never posted it.
3. Answered emails
4. Drank coffee
5. Re-heated coffee ate my mini egg bagel that my husband made for me this morning (weird, I have a husband).

no money, more problems

2009-04-27T13:50:00.001-07:00

I am really starting to freak out about this economy, my job and the impact of having a baby on a single income, a more than likely dwindling income, due to this economy.

Someone better get a job soon.

AAaaaaaaaaargggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..

2009-04-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

In Loving Memory of NORMA S. CLAUDIO
MAY 27,1935 - APRIL 23, 2009

I just found out that a relative of mine, Auntie Norma, has passed away. I think my mom was planning to go back home to visit in a few weeks because she had fallen ill. I have very early childhood memories of Auntie Norma and her kids. I recently had the pleasure of meeting some of her grandkids when they visited SF.

Anyway..not much else to say i guess, but to send out my sincere condolences.

Hitched

2009-04-14T19:34:00.001-07:00

on the day of the wedding, I: 1) cut my right thumb prepping one of the salads, 2) pinched my left ring finger helping clean up one of the rooms that it left a big blood blister, which i can't wait to peel off and 3) i banged my head on my neighbor's windows security bar and i still have the bump on my forehead to prove it. - how typical of me. just glad i didnt ruin the dress.

i devised the whole thing in only a few weeks and with very very little money (about $500 or less). if only i can do as well with the "real" wedding (you know, the one i have to have to appease my family).

i made 3 different types of jam and cw made a cd wedding mix (a compilation of songs we had both given each other when we first met) as wedding favors. oh and i had buttons made for guests to wear.

i made my own bouquet and cw's boutonniere as well as my headpiece. my dress was bought at an outlet store that was named after an exotic fruit (think forever 21. i think i bought a left over prom dress. it was a final sale. just glad it fit my pregnant ass) and my shoes were the most expensive item (about $60) and as cute as they were, they pinched a little.

i made my own wedding cake (made, not baked). i bought 2 cakes in chinatown, a 6" and a 9" and put some dowels for support in the 9" and plopped the 6" on top. used ribbon and flowers for effect and voila, a $24 wedding cake.

i also roasted 2 chickens, baked 2 lasagnas (ok so i caved and bought frozen ones - but they were from a great place!), made a sugar snap pea w/ cherry tomato salad and served mixed greens. friends brought a pasta salad and deviled eggs (my favorite!).

all in all it was great. it was warm, intimate, heartfelt and all the major players were there, give or take a few. it was nice to see my past commingle with my future. and it was grand to have so many people come despite it being easter, that people took time away from their own families to share in the start of mine (and yes, i cried as soon as i started to say my vows).

thank you to all and a special thanks to amy, my unofficial maid of honor, who was such a trooper and helped with everything. you are amazing, i couldnt have done it without you.

THANK YOU

cat's set of pictures

Recycling the past #1

2009-04-09T10:27:00.000-07:00

So lately i have been going back and rereading old emails from everyone - ex boyfriends, crushes, friends and apparently even something to my mom.

---------------------------------
Subject: Re: Apts and worries

>Date: Tue, 3 Jul 2007 12:32:29 -0700
>
>Mom,
>
>I can not possibly move again. Also, as you may already know, with my
>current situation - i am lucky to even have this apartment i am in. I
>love my place.
>
>other places will require an ID, Credit Check, etc...
>
>I have never had a problem in my neighborhood...knock on wood...there
>is always going to be a risk for crime in ANY neighborhood despite what
>it looks like. Chances are actually there would be more breakins in a
>nicer neighborhood than a shitty ones - cause there are nicer things to steal!
>
>yes, smoking is bad. there are a lot of things that are bad in life. i
>only have one life. i didnt smoke for a good amount of my life and i
>dont think it will shorten my life either..i am going to live this life
>to the fullest and sometimes that involves smoking...
>
>Sorry.
>
>

---------------------------------
first of all - it's signed my full name because i sent it at work. and actually i dont think i ever sent it to my mom, but to my friend amy for her approval and or comment. i can't find what triggered this email, but i know the weekend before she probably came up to visit me and stayed with me in my tenderloin apartment. the thing is, she's been to this apartment building before but when i was in a smaller unit years ago. and i think she was "concerned" because i was paying so much for my apartment and couldnt i just live in a shoe box? i mean, whats up with my standards, right?

Kumar goes to Washington?

2009-04-07T12:50:00.001-07:00

I was wondering why they killed off Kumar's character, I mean Kal Penn's character on House last night..i thought it was to go back to making movies but apparently its to go to the White House! He will be the associate director at the White House Office of Public Liaison.

for reals?

number 3

2009-04-05T10:17:00.000-07:00

What's in store #2

2009-04-03T13:45:00.001-07:00

Spaghetti Cultivation

2009-04-01T13:28:00.000-07:00

*This was a BBC "documentary" and after it aired, several callers asked how they could get their hands on their very own spaghetti tree.

HAPPY ALL FOOLS DAY EVERYONE!

For more hoaxes check this site out.

what's in store

2009-03-30T20:29:00.000-07:00

why i heart oakland

2009-03-25T14:24:00.000-07:00

whenever i tell people that i call oakland home these days, they give me this look like i'm either crazy or such a badass for living there (and i can assure you, yeah, im pretty much both) or they apologize and pity me. i think these are people who a) only know oakland when they visited the coliseum and watched a game or two, b) log the many occurrences of homicides, crimes or disorders in oakland via the news and c) dislike the diversity, culture and community which is abundant in oakland.

of course there are places I avoid and know not to wander around late at night in, but every city has that and SF has an abundance of it (of course this is coming from someone who lived in the tenderloin for many years) and some think its cool or just plain gross, but when its about oakland, its like they turn up their noses and want to wash their hands clean of it.

i work in oakland too, but in the rockridge district - thats like saying i work in SF in Hayes Valley or better yet - the Noe Valley district, in which you have to avoid skinny joggers, and parents with their uber strollers but then there are also your annoying high school kids. It's oakland, by way of berkeley really. nice craftsman houses that go for nearly a million or so. its really nice though, still diverse and definitely a sense of community. i dont live but 30 minutes walking distance (or my lazy ass - 7 minutes on the bus) BUT on the flip side, our neighborhood is also a block from the broadway autorow - very different from our actual street. we are also 10 blocks from downtown oakland. 10 blocks from where the riots happened, but the ghetto birds could be heard flying up (almost directly) above our house.

on any given day there are the farmers markets near by, old school theatres, the lake (yes, the same one you have probably heard criminal data on) and great little boutiques and eateries - which satisfies my foodie needs- which was one of the things i was afraid of leaving SF for. there are many eateries and little mom and pop shops in oakland and neighboring cities too, i kid you not. oh and more times than not, its usually sunny over here when its cloudy over in SF.

i love coming home. our house is situated near redwoods, has a foot bridge and even a creek. its like a wooded fairytale. i can walk a block and get delicious cheap eats from a taco truck or bargain shop at grocery outlet (gross out as some locals call it. but hey, they carry many organic products, no really. and no they are not expired items), or go all chi chi and shop at whole foods up a few more blocks (but we usually go to the farmer's market - which i can't wait to bring my kid to) and if i wasn't pregnant, i'd visit the radio bar down near 14th street. oh and there's always chinatown and "old oakland" to romp around too.

anyway, there are many reasons to come over to this side of the bridge. for one, its cheaper, second it's warmer, and third well, you just need to vist sometime and get rid of those doubts and fears you have about oakland and find out on your own, what oakland is all about. and really, in any city any state there is always a "bad" part of town, but even in the so called good parts - crimes can happen. you just have to have a little common sense - which at last is rare these days.

inspired by -

Why I love Oakland (originally from the poop.)

I was walking away from my regular BART station in Oakland's Fruitvale district -- yes THAT bart stop -- the other day, while reading another story about how terrible Oakland is. . I turned on the radio, and the KCBS news anchor was talking about a different Oakland-related crisis. And when I switched to KNBR, the hosts were discussing arguably the most embarrassing BART stop -- the other day, while reading Oakland problem of all.

So badass.

This wasn't an unusual occurrence. News that puts Oakland in a bad light breaks nearly every day. If you just go by what you hear, you would think Oakland is the biggest s---hole on the West Coast.

So why is it that I can't wait to come home every day?

I've lived in communities with much better reputations, including Burlingame, San Luis Obispo and San Francisco. And I've never felt more at home than Oakland. I think it's a good city to reside in and a great place to raise kids. Yes there are safety issues and a horrible school district the mayor is absentee to the point that he shows contempt for his constituency. But I still wouldn't want to live anywhere else. and

You're probably going to see five news articles or broadcast reports today with bad news about Oakland. Below are some reasons why I think it's the best city I've ever called home and a good place for my children.

The melting pot: I grew up in a nearly all-white middle class neighborhood on the Peninsula, and I hate the way that made me relate to people who were different from me. I was never a racist, but I was always aware and sometimes even nervous when I was talking to someone of a different racial background. Poorer and richer zip codes aside (I don't spend much time in either), the middle class Oakland neighborhoods that I know are marbled with different races and sexual orientations. I don't think of my neighbors as "my black neighbor" or "my gay neighbor." I just think of them all as my neighbors. Restaurants and other public places also have this same come-as-you-are vibe. I love that my kids are growing up around that.

The work ethic: Even though things can be messed up in Oakland, its residents have a scrappiness and resilience and general attitude that the town is worth fighting for. You'll find strong neighborhood associations in bad parts of town, and places like Children's Fairyland or the Fox Theater, where something rundown is steadily improving or getting restored. Warriors fans really typify this attitude (even though many are from outside of town). That team has been bad for 13 of the past 16 years, and fans still pack the arena and cheer their hearts out. It's a blue collar town in all the best ways.

The Fox Theater in Oakland is back with a new coat of paint.

The culture: I thought I was going to miss the food and other cultural elements when I moved from San Francisco to Oakland. But the restaurants here can be just as good if not better, even though you hear less about them. I would argue that the movie theaters are even better (I'll stack the Grand Lake and the **Parkway against anything in SF.) And there are so many things to do with kids that people outside the city don't know about, from the Oakland Zoo to the Chabot Space and Science Center to the very kid-friendly Farmer's Market on Saturdays at Lake Merritt.

The port cranes: You can have your Golden Gate Bridge and Coit Tower and Palace of Fine Arts. My favorite iconic Bay Area visual is the port cranes in Oakland. Beautiful and functional and badass, they almost look like they're standing sentry to protect the city. **(And no, they weren't the model for the snow walkers in "The Empire Strikes Back.") My heart swells with pride for my home when I see the port cranes as I drive into town, much the same way it does when I see the American flag during "The Star-Spangled Banner" at a football game.

I don't think that Oakland is getting screwed in the media. The Oakland-related "bad news" stories that we run in the Chronicle are almost always important, and we do run features about good things going on as well. But I do find it surreal to be a resident here, because the reputation is so much different than the reality.

I wish that all the people around the country who heard about the BART shooting-related civil disorder also knew about the residents who made it a point to go to the damaged storefronts and give them their business in the days that followed. That's the Oakland I love.

Original Posting By: Peter Hartlaub (Email) | February 03 2009 at 04:02 PM

**yeah, i was shocked and a tad disappointed myself when i read this part. Oh and the Parkway is headed for closure!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SAVE THE PARKWAY!!!

elastic

2009-03-17T12:58:00.000-07:00

i am wearing my maternity cargo pants for a second time in a row. i love them. i dont think i could ever go back. with an elastic waistband, i dont ever have to worry about my fly being left undone. it still has a fake or simulated fly, so it just looks like regular pants, but it makes life so much easier. no more unbuttoning or anything. just pull down and pull up, your done. wow, am i this lazy? yes, yes, i am.

oh and today at work, we have a few contractors checking on ceiling/roof leaks and one guy asks me - so are you gonna head to the pub downstairs after work? oh yeah, you know i haven't been to that pub in ages. ahem. and then he began to ask where's my green? then one dude asks - do you have any ink with green in it..and i actually had to think about this one, and yes yes i do. so there, i am always wearing green. he then says, man i've always wanted to get ink you know. yeah, great, wonderful, um you still have time...having visible tattoos makes me a target for any sort of conversation, whether its a pick up line or just plain ol curiosity. and im sure once i really look pregnant, more looks and questions will be made.

i am starting to show a bit, but you'd only recognize that im pregnant if you knew me. so typically, i just look a little more meaty.

shut up and make up

2009-03-13T14:28:00.000-07:00

i have a problem with interrupting people. to most of my friends its not much of anything, its just how the conversation goes (and goes and goes), but to some its rude. but im trying. im also trying to pick up after myself. i realized i have to do a lot of cleaning and wake up from my moody blues and start acting like a better me. that i should appreciate what cw does around the house cause he does a lot. and when the baby comes, there will be A LOT more to do. its not that im a dirty person or you know what i mean. i like order and tidiness too, i just dont like having to do it, or be told and ordered to do so. again when i was single, sundays i would choose to do all the cleaning. blast music and clean like crazy (after a few cups of coffee, of course). by the end of it, i had a place i was proud of again and it felt good. but you see it was on my time and under no one's orders. when i was growing up it was regiment. but i suppose that is typical? when you're a kid you're always told what to do and when to do it.

anyway, we both agreed - cw and i - that i need to do my part and that he needs to also ease up a bit, that you can catch more flies with honey than vingear kind of bit. and that we both have a part in it. so, with that said, i clipped a few white blossoming tree branches and placed it in a vase, cleaned the living room, washed the dishes, and put away my clothes. yep. okay, so cw is actually gone this weekend so its something i have to do anyway, but hey - its a damn start! AND by the way, im still kind of sick, so there. i could just be laying in bed you know. even though that kind of got old about an hour or so ago.

when things are in disagreement

2009-03-11T21:43:00.000-07:00

so i am at my friends house taking care of her cats while she and her soon to be husband are out of town waiting to blissfully get married. i just spent an hour first watching tv at my place after a heated argument with cw. and i silently waited till my show was over and cw was of course in the upstairs soon to be nursery room. anyway, i thought i would come over here and veg out on their tivo, but they have this amazing fandangled ultra gadget of a remote that controls everything and it turns everything on but i guess none of it is understanding each other. much like our heated argument in which i cried, yes, cw made the mother of his unborn child cry some heartfelt tears. okay he didnt make me, my hormones probably did. anyway, it all started because i got up off of the couch underneath a blanket, and the said blanket fell off of me and unto the floor to which cw yelled (not necessarily yelled, but it was not regular talk volume either) out to me as i was in the other room fixing to reheat some food and said, so you want me to wash this? (dangling the blanket) because you know, its on the floor so i am assuming you want me to wash it. (now, a little background. lately i havent been picking up after myself. and i was never the cleanest or neatest person because i grew up with a militant ocd parent who liked everything in order, in her order and even laundry was a challenge, because it had to be folded correctly, as if i was working at the mall and used a clipboard to guide my folding. so, as i grew up and had my own place, i did the cleaning when i wanted, unrestricted. i chose to not worry about it, especially after being at work all day. at the end of the night, sure after being told so much and not really told but belittled by the expression - im just going to assume that you mean for me to wash anything thats on the floor - so this has become cw's agreement or message.) to which i responded with a giggle, no, im coming back to it since i will be sitting on the couch shortly. im not finished with it. and he goes on. and complains but not really complaining but says, so if its on the floor, that means its dirty and you want me to wash it. to which im like, i will be back, i just quickly got up to heat food. and he goes on some more and i come back to it and say, jesus, all right already its ridiculous you sound like my mother. and im sorry but he did. and then he goes is there something wrong? did i hurt you? and not in a nice kind of way but not mean either (note at this time i started crying) but condescending, like in a way your psychiatrist asks you when you clearly dont feel comfortable talking about it, at least not at that moment. so it went on for a bit, i just shut off and told him to leave me alone. he slammed cabinets and mumbled to himself and went upstairs.

anyway, its always been a trigger for me. chores, orderly issues etc. when i lived alone i was better at it and enjoyed sundays when i focused on cleaning and doing laundry, it was actually quite pleasant but thats because it was on my time, when i wanted to do it and with no one ordering me to do so because i just had to and that was that. now, don't get me wrong. i do not do any house chores. i haven't since we moved into our new place. cw takes care of all of it. and for the first few months i tried to keep it nice and neat and decorated it and so on and so forth but lately, especially with the pregnancy and a bit before that, i kind of just let it go. i didnt particularly care anymore. and i find when that happens to me, its cause im either going thru some bit of depression or something. but its hard to tell these days since im pregnant. is it hormones? or is it something else? or is it both? i dont know. in my family, im kind of the care taker and care giver, even though i left home years ago, and am miles away, it still catches up to me. and i think now more than ever because of being pregnant, soon to be a mother and a real care giver of my own - family stuff is really shaping itself. i have my new family and then there is still the one i tried to get away from or at least grow out of the dysfunction from. but obviously there are still habits and situations that show up and i face a challenge that i dont necessarily have the (right) answers or the strength to deal with them immediately.

its hard being pregnant. everyone has their opinion about everything. you just cant do no right. its like im not me anymore. or that i myself am a child and need to be treated as such. but sometimes i just like to veg out, shut off and watch stupid octomom on dr. phil while trying to get into a new show on another channel. sometimes, when i come home from work i dont want to have to worry about my socks on the floor or the shoes i left under the coffee table. just sometimes when i get home - id like to be carefree as if i had no work. free of any orders, any demands, written or said or even agreed upon. i know people say - oh i'll get to it later, and they never do, probably because someone always anticipates that they wont anyway and so the said person figures why bother. wow, i am jumping all over the place here. am i making any sense? or do i really sound off the rocker here? anyway, im a jumble of emotions and of different personas. i am a jumble of the person i wish i could be, the person i am going to be and the person i will be for just right now.

cw- i may not change at the instant you want me to, or do the things you would like or anticipate but give me time and do so in a loving direction - not that you dont already do so, but you have to understand, im not all that well right now. im kind of sick and being pregnant doesnt help. nothing feels right with me cause its all new to me. and im sorry i didnt mindfully think of carefully placing the blanket off of me, but i just wanted to relax and got hungry again and wanted reheat food with the hopes of getting back onto the couch just as i left it and made it be. i know i am not the cleanest of persons or tidiest, just right now it is far from my mind and im sorry. it may pass it may not, but i will try and be mindful. it just wont happen overnight. and i didnt mean to hurt your feelings by saying you reminded me of my mother but it had felt like an enforcer and i know its your house too and i know you are doing laundry but maybe instead of saying - so you left it on the floor that must mean you want me to wash it..how about, honey, you placed the blanket on the floor again. and perhaps i havent been the kindest and showed you how much i do appreciate you and all that you do. im sorry for that too. i love you.

im on my way home now.

Monday treats

2009-03-09T14:25:00.000-07:00

so as i was suffering from a bit of food coma this afternoon and avoiding getting back to work (ugh, mondays) and i stumbled on this little gem:I have been wanting a gocco print thingamabob for the longest time, but they are either sold out or don't come all in a kit and costs a decent mini fortune, but they are still worth it. but this little gem above is called Yudu, a brand new, easy to use screening thingamabob. You can find more info here and actually purchase a kit here.

This weekend was lovely, didn't do much of anything. visited a friend of cw's not too far from us. it was in a spectacular neighborhood and the house was just awesome - equipped with their own creek in the backyard that had embankments and places for you to hang out and relax. it kind of reminded me of a place you'd find huck finn and tom sawyer messin about in. his friends were in the middle of making and bottling some homemade sodas, but we left early and didnt get to taste any of the goods. but they did mention a couple of websites that i had yet to hear about, but its probably for the best though - this and that if you want to check it out. is it gross that i kind of was like - oh, i totally would eat that, on some of the items?

so anyways, glad it'll be sunny still when i get out of work, but im still recouping from the loss of sleep. but then again, im pregnant so there are a lot of things taking away my sleep these days.

2009-03-06T12:53:00.000-08:00

i got my haircut. its, meh. i now wish i went shorter. my hair sits just above my shoulders now. no one has noticed or said anything. and that new salon isnt quite new. i mean the place is new but the people/salon that it is affiliated with are not. there is sort of bad air between me and the salon affiliated with it. but it was like 7 years ago. and actually, i cant believe the same receptionist guy from that long ago still works there. amazing. the massage chairs were ok, but you dont sit in them long enough to enjoy them. i do, however enjoy the head massage when they shampoo you. i am also not one for talking when getting my haircut. i dont mind if the stylist talks, i just dont care to talk myself, unless of course i have been a regular customer or something. anyway, its okay, and it was more expensive than they originally said it was going to be. all in all, i probably will not be going back there, not that it was a terrible experience whatsoever. but i did say, i didnt want a typical haircut and that is exactly what i got.

peeved

2009-03-05T09:12:00.000-08:00

not a mere 2 minutes of me getting into the office, i hadn't even put my whole ass down on my chair when my sort of kind of supervisor starts spewing out- dont forget to do this and that, can you call to confirm and clarify this and balls and bullshit. my computer screen wasnt even awake yet. seriously? then i call to confirm something and he goes - you know you should check the change order binder for those clarifications. hell, i know if i had done that first, the next thing would be - did you call to confirm those clarifications? what the motherfucking fuck fuck. its too early for this kind of shit junk. im hangry.

he gets like this when he is either leaving early or going to miss a day at work, as if the world is going to some how end with his absence, i mean the work world anyway.

again

2009-03-04T09:43:00.000-08:00

i know i have said this before and i always fail to follow thru but i am seriously, seriously going to make a few changes here.

1. write more regularly, and not at work (ha, we'll see how this one goes). I will actually set a time, at least one hour to work on the blog once i get home (instead of plopping in front of the tv when i get home).

2. I will start to pick up after myself and not be such a lazy bum and start making my home (especially our bedroom) more designsponge worthy.

3. I will pack up my crap in the second bedroom (and cw will put my crap away in storage).

4. I will most likely cut my own hair

5. I will, cough cough, wake up earlier so i can eat breakfast and look decent when i get to work in the morning.

6. I will be a brand new improved me.

so

2009-03-03T14:08:00.000-08:00

i have this irritating, kind of awful, sort of pinched nerve thing slightly above my shoulder blade that affects the whole right side of my neck, shoulder and arm. I can't turn towards the right and my right arm feels a tad numb at times. i tried re-arranging my desk to remedy some of it, but the best layout would have my computer screen completely visible to my supervisor, meaning - he would totally know when im slacking off. i can't wait to get my own office, if that ever happens. if we ever move. which my supervisor won't be happy about. he likes to still be able to police me. its his total control issue, because technically he's not even my supervisor anymore, but whatever.

i had an appointment to get my haircut today, but i forgot my wallet at home. retarded? or maybe its my subconscious telling me not to be hasty about it and not go thru with it. maybe ill go home and cut it myself. ha, talk about hasty. i slightly feel like going home and rearranging and or cleaning up the crap i usually just drop everywhere. im starting to want to get a handle on the 2nd bedroom so we can turn it into a nursery, but again, this is a slight feeling and by the time i get home, i usually just want to collapse on the couch. but, we'll see. amy gave me some good links today on some etsy finds that i know i can just make myself.

i have a lot of work to do but i just....eh, would rather do something else, oh like i dont know - blog.

oh and i totally got foot in mouth disease, AGAIN, this morning. not that anyone else noticed though. so it was just stupid and heinous on my part. you know that feeling when you feel you should have said thank you or hugged a person at the end of the night but never did, and you just leave it kind of open so it kind of eats at you? it was kind of like that until i wrote my coworker an apology. but he didnt think anything of it. i dont know, it could just be my placenta brain.