Drained

I’m exhausted. Exhausted is actually putting it lightly. Last night I started to really feel run down and then I tried to see where in my recent life have I had time to myself. Just myself. No one to cater to, no one asking me for things or having to be responsible for anyone by me myself and I. It has been a really really really long time.

I have found myself getting upset and being quiet about it. Like last night when Charlie finally came home from his meeting at 11:30ish and while I was vegging out on the couch with Raima I still felt exhausted. Raima had been attached to me for the past few hours and before that I was making dinner and before that I went to pick up Jax and before that I was at work and before that I was asleep attached to Raima. I was upset because when I did drag myself to bed, I was expecting Charlie to start heading to bed too and maybe possibly to clean up after my cooking mess and to put away the food (which I did ask him to do before I went into our room). But he didn’t. I thought well, maybe Jax woke up and he had to tend to him. So, I did what any normal person would do. I texted him. No response. I finally was tired of being attached and realized I haven’t used the bathroom for the last 7 hours so it was time to break free. I detached, and found Charlie sitting on the couch watching TV. Raima began to cry and I’m like – could you please look after her so I can use the bathroom. And right there and then I really wanted to just break down and cry. In the bathroom. On the toilet.

My body hurts. All of it. My back, my neck, my shoulders. Heck, my face. I feel sleep deprived yet I know I’ve had some sleep. It’s just every day. EVERY. DAY. there is something I have to do, to think about, to be responsible for. My weekends are no longer relaxing, not lately at least. And if they are that’s because I opted to not go out of the house but the house is still a mess. Being at work is the only time I have to myself in chunks of time at least because 3x out of the 8 hours I am here, I pump – so.

I’m not asking for any sympathy – this is the life I chose and I am 80% happy with it. I just need to get it out of my head so it doesn’t weigh me down on top of everything else. Maybe it’s also because Mother’s day is coming up?  I’ve been getting so many emails about it and every time I want to scream and be like – HEY, my mom isn’t around anymore so stop reminding me. And then I wonder if Charlie and the kids will do something for me. Probably not, unless I ask for it. That’s how it goes here. Nothing gets planned by anyone else..and then it starts again, the heaviness, the exhaustion. Ugh. But I don’t want to be a martyr. I don’t want all the responsibilities. And I’ve had this talk before and it works for awhile and then it doesn’t. Cause well..sigh, I don’t know. Life happens, really. Things get picked up and then things get put down. When it’s not out in the open sometimes, it just doesn’t get looked at. 

So I try and let go. I try and find solace in it all and not hold onto anything. I try and see in myself, where I can lighten the load. I need to speak up more often than not, I know. But sometimes, even self sufficient, independent, do it yourself, handy me wants to be taken care of, looked after.

Anyway,  I’m looking forward to this weekend even though it will be insane. We’re driving down to LA for my cousin’s engagement party since we won’t be able to make it out (read: we're too broke to make the trip) to the wedding in NOLA in August. In a few weeks I will be going to Colorado to a friend’s wedding and staying with Amy. I will be going with Raima –so it isn’t a full me time trip but I know I will get to enjoy a little me time J and Amy time. YAY.