Well, it’s obvious that I am dealing with a few things and I’ve realized that what I’ve said here – may have painted a picture that doesn’t truly represent what is going on. And like I said, there are 2 sides to every story.

Yes, often my husband and I don’t quite see eye to eye, but that doesn’t mean that we are on the road to a horrible downward spiral. We’re married, we are in this together – whether he likes it or not. And you know, often when I am ranting I am coming from a low place where I feel like I am not being understood. But you know in hindsight I can look back and go oh – well, this is where I could have done better. Or, I see how he would have taken it that way. Often, I miss the point too, and it isn’t just him, it’s me too – I need to remember to try to understand rather than to always be understood.

I have found that ever since my mother’s suicide, I have become more open and transparent to everyone, to absolute strangers, almost to a fault. I write mostly without hesitation and reveal whatever it is on my mind or what I am feeling, often without thinking of the consequences. My mother held onto a lot of secrets which lead to a lot of fear and shame, which only lead to her suffering. It didn’t help her to hold on to those fears and misunderstandings only to question herself and her life on this earth. She always made it a point to please everyone before herself. To ignore what was going inside of her and to just put on a smile to keep everyone else happy. Well, I don’t want that for myself. If I have to ruffle up so feathers and do it publicly to help me sort thru life than so be it. I know that whatever I write here or elsewhere is not etched in stone, people change, things change and perspectives change. New information comes in, new theories go out..its life and the only constant is change.

I don’t want to have you all think that my life with my husband is completely horrible because it isn’t. If you think about it, take a look at what you say when you are with certain people and how often you mention something positive to those that are negative or rather listen to what others have to say and see how many are positive v. negative. Our society has us believe in the negatives – news, politics etc. more so than the positives. When someone compliments you do you tend to just brush that compliment off? But when someone criticizes you, what do you do? You really remember that sting don’t you? Anyway, I guess it seems like for me now, as a mom and being “in the trenches” as they say – I often say too many negative things on my partner so that I can be/feel included and of course to feel understood because that’s really where my problem is sometimes. I just want to be understood. But again, I also have to remember – sometimes I can’t be and sometimes that isn’t the damn point anyway.

I also have to understand that my husband and I were raised differently and how I do things are specific to me and to me alone. My work ethic and how I just am – is to push the envelope. I don’t like being told I can’t and I will prove to you that I can. Maybe I won’t always be able to, but I like finding out firsthand before being told and saying that it really can’t be done. I’m stubborn and strong willed. I do not go quietly.

Someone asked if I had any 2011 goals – and I do. Just one really, and that is to simplify my life.

This new year brings about a lot of new things already, like a new house to call home and …