On a recent venture to look at a place, mind you we had no intentions of actually moving to this place strictly because of our perception of the neighborhood, we had a big argument. An argument that we’ve had in the past (at least I feel we have) that has obviously never been resolved. Or maybe it is a new argument but the way we argue is always the same.

I think he does a great job at hearing me, but not so great at listening to what I have to say or why I am saying the things I am saying. Often I have said I felt overwhelmed and that I need more support from him. I feel like I support him in several ways at least in his commitment to his sobriety (he has been sober for more than 4 years!) and his teaching/career aspirations but I am sure there could be other areas where I can offer my support as I have done in the past, like with his photography hobby (bought a domain, created a website and encouraged him to do more with it) but it all seems to fall flat.

Each time I present something I feel – i.e. not being supported, or rather – I feel as though I do everything (but in no way means he does nothing) and I would like it if he spends so much of his time outside of the home following thru with his personal commitment to being a better person and remaining sober that he puts back in the time he misses with the family. I feel as though sometimes, he is there at home with me and the kid, but not actually participating. Just going about his usual business – and when I say these things. I am always met with fury. He deflects and becomes defensive and I understand because to him it is always a harsh criticism. He usually will start to say – how would you like it if I made apparent your flaws? And actually, I would like him to tell me, so that I can assess the trait and see if it’s something that I should be improving on and or if it’s a habit that I subconsciously do because like habits, you get used to them – but are they always productive or even necessary? No, not always. I would try and respond rather than react to his criticism. I think one of the key things is knowing and understanding (two different things) what sets you off. The criticism, I feel – is a source of feedback.

I read this about feeling criticized:

“The only problem is we are not usually in good position to recognize when we are wrong. Our partners, however, are usually in excellent position to recognize when we are wrong. They are also usually more than happy to point this out to us, in the hope that we will make corrections.”

“If you routinely shut out this valuable source of feedback, by always seeking to defend your actions or point of view, you will damage your relationships by not letting others contribute to you. You will continue to commit the same mistakes, over and over again, until the other person gets tired of this...and you as well.
The secret to dealing with criticism from others is not to reject it or act defensively. The secret is to listen intently to everything the other person is saying about you, and then try to find one or more things you can agree with! Don't automatically try to defend yourself or prove you are right. Instead, work very hard to validate, rather than reject, at least some of what the other person is saying.”

“Ben Franklin said, "The sting of another's criticism usually comes from the truth in it." If you want to have happy, healthy, long-lasting relationships, look for these "truths" and be willing to admit them.”

Funny thing about this is – yes, it does go both ways. And I’m perfectly fine with that. Often, when Charlie and I are in an argument he brings this very piece up = “we often don’t see or recognize what our part is in it” – and whenever he says something like this – in my head I scream – YES, EXACTLY!!!!!!!! But his intention is to fling my criticism back at me and to see my part in it all. And that is all fine and good, as I would like to be able to say and do – I would like more support and in having that I can be a better wife, a mother, a friend etc.. Yes, I can do my part and accept my responsibility of the situation but will you? It takes two and I need your support and help too.

Sometimes I feel like in order to present something I would like help on or something changed – I feel as though I have to rub his ego first. Present all the fluffy great things and then say, but it would really help me more if you did this. This gets tiring. Anyway, I don’t mind him giving me the feedback on my shit. I want him to call me on my shit. I mean that is part of being married. CALL ME ON MY SHIT. If I am doing something bat shit crazy and am completely and undeniably irrational and is not helping the situation or am worrying for no crazy reason – THEN CALL ME ON MY SHIT. I want that. I want to be provided that “mirror” – like dude, did you just hear what you said? Or wait, you want me to do what now? Why? Calling me on my shit is a preventative measure. It’s like putting the brakes when you see the yellow light come on..sure sometimes you just wiz pass thru the yellow light but sometimes, you really should just stop. But sometimes you don’t know because your internal shit ringer is off the hook or something or disconnected by years of bad relationships and bad behaviors – which is why you need your loving and trusting partner to…say it with me..CALL YOU ON YOUR SHIT. Sure sometimes it may feel as though you’ve just been thrown a pie in the face but moving forward, next time you’ll know when to duck, right? I kid, I kid.

ANYWAYS…we have both agreed that couples therapy might be a bright light at the end of the argument & resentment tunnel. I’ll write more on that in future posts.

As for this place we saw in the questionable neighborhood…I had been talking to my co-worker about going to see this place that Charlie’s friend had been mentioning off and on for about 6 months now. It’s only a few blocks from my work and it’s a house – all and all this is actually not that great because 1) I work in West Oakland..in a mostly commercial/industrial part of Oakland – that is seeing some redevelopment but with the economy it’s um lacking and showing how the economy is affecting it. 2) A house is great but again we go back to #1. I was asking my co-worker, but really talking out loud – how great would the house have to be to remove the cons of the neighborhood? We didn’t really answer that and I didn’t really think any more of it because I had already told myself this place couldn’t be a gem anyway so what’s the point. We’re only agreeing to seeing it – as the conversation went with Charlie on the drive over to the place and that we don’t even have to think anything.

Well..as we drive down Adeline (a street that in my opinion is like a dividing line – kind of like MacArthur is– when they say above or below) and turn on a street, I start to take notice of the neighborhood and actually think to myself – well this isn’t so bad..and then we turn down the street where the house is at and its lined with Queen Anne & Stick style Victorian houses and other types of single family homes and I’m thinking – for West Oakland, this isn’t THAT bad. Simply because in my head I had already pictured the worst case scenario of a neighborhood. As we kept driving…I say, don’t tell me – it’s that beautiful Victorian at the end there? Wow, that’s pretty lovely. Charlie is not amused. Charlie had to stay in the car with the kid because he was asleep so I went in to take a look first and that’s when the trouble started.

You walk in and you could already tell that this place was grand. Huge ceilings, huge rooms, hardwood floors and character. It reminded me of typical San Francisco Victorian homes where you had to live with 5-6 people just to make the rent. But the space couldn’t be beat. 3 bedrooms (we only have 2 now), a formal dining room, 1 bathroom (that’s twice as big as we have now) with a claw foot tub, and a kitchen the size of our bedroom that has a breakfast nook. OH, and it has a nice backyard! I mean..my insides were tingling with pleasure, my eyes were wide..i was in love. I wanted this place. I started having fantasies of having a life there in the mere minutes I was in the house. I was salivating. I could see all these pros with only one con – the neighborhood is different from ours. I can’t say it’s terrible at least not from facts but from everyone’s perception yes, its not the greatest neighborhood. And this is why Charlie did not want the house. He continued to have this glum look on his face because he had made up his mind long before even looking at the house that NO WE ARE NOT MOVING HERE INTO THIS NEIGHBORHOOD…anyway, long story short we are moving. Some of me is having second thoughts and asking – did I bully him into this? Should he have called me on my shit (probably)? Is this really ideal? Is it really that bad of a neighborhood? Is our neighborhood now, really ideal? Is it really that good? – the answers were kind of surprising.

I’ll write more when I get pictures of the place up..oh and here is my old post on moving into the place we are moving out of… ARGHHHH…I HATE MOVING!!!!!!!!!!!

Here is an old picture of the house before they repainted and revamped it. I'll post up pictures of how it looks now once we get our keys!