So we are back from Hawaii. I don’t think I am mentally back yet and emotionally? That’s been hiding deep in a dark cave for awhile and so I guess I am kind of admitting that right now. I don’t know what is wrong with me, no scratch that I do. I am absolutely torn in ways that I can’t fully explain to anyone. I am completely used to being independent and self sustaining, able to pick myself up from whatever life may throw at me or so I thought and that was my life up until my mom killed herself 2 month before I became a mother myself. I know, you are probably tired of me going back into that dungeon but that is my life and this blog is about my life, right?

Part of me wants to scream and cry and be angry and upset and be all whiny about it and show that I am in pain (not all of the time, but every once and awhile) – which is not like me or rather not how I am perceived to be. The other part wants to go as if it’s business as usual – which is what I do but sometimes that takes a toll on me and since I am not a person that usually asks for help I just go about my day and try and forget and it just builds up and then I don’t know.

Part of me also would like it if my husband did more but how do you ask without making it seem like he does less because whenever I have asked he always takes offense as if I am saying he doesn’t do anything at all. I am tired most of the time. I am tired of having to ask or think up of all sorts of stuff for myself and my family. You would think having been in Hawaii I would have learned to relax and I sort of did but it was still hard on me and I would have liked it not to be. And it wasn’t anyone’s fault for that but my own.

How do you give yourself more (of anything, time, treats, care etc.) without taking away from something (or someone) else and without feeling guilty and feeling as if it’s a selfish act to do so. I’m not trying to be a martyr here I’m just sayin..I’ve tried to worry less about things getting done in my time or exactly how/when I would like them to be done. I am trying to let go of my expectations but I often feel like I’m not asking for THAT much, just something that someone is partly not used to doing ever for oneself.

Anyway, that’s my rant and ramble for right now..moving on..

Having stayed at this Japanese family’s home while in Hawaii (Kalama Valley neighborhood – near Hawaii Kai area, windward side) who have 2 little girls and one on the way, I was just in awe and would like to tidy up my own home in the same manner. Put away items out of sight and only have a few pieces out. This family, despite having little children, had amazing Danish and modern (expensive!) furniture. Although it made me smile to see that there were permanent marker doodles on the hardwood floors and even on the Barcelona furniture (though I think they were knock offs). The home was just lovely. Sadly we never took any pictures of it! It had wrap around decks and a beautiful view.

So now I’m itching to redecorate and rearrange furniture. I’m planning on making the second bedroom, which was Jax’s playroom, our reading room/den type space since Jax never plays or sleeps in there anyway. And having part of our bedroom sectioned off as Jax’s play space and bedroom since it is big enough to divide it in that way. I want to put all our books and our desk into the other bedroom and I’m even thinking of putting the TV there but then again it won’t be a reading room if that’s the case, instead it would be the TV room. Sigh, we shall see if any of this comes to fruition.