Rant

I have been feeling quite overwhelmed as of late. Actually I haven’t really had time to stretch/meditate or take a decent break or stopped to smell the roses or just do a whole lot of nothing since 1) being pregnant 2) losing my mother 3) becoming a mother and then 4) going back to work…now on top of these, these new things - 5) getting daycare (and adjusting to the schedule and the payment of) 6) adjusting to my husband’s work schedule 7) going from 2 cars to 1 car (meaning, with husband’s schedule – I do the drop off and pick up) plus the other normal things that are constant: 8) keeping the house and household in order, which means budget, pay the bills, cook and when I can – tidy the house along with making plans – trips to see family and friends, holiday stuff, etc…

Around the holidays I have realized, since my mother’s death, that I can get very on edge. And in defense of my husband – no one asks me to take on all of this. I do it to myself, I do. And if nobody asks me to, then why do it? Because who else will?

I know men and women are different (as much as I would like to object, its kinda true) and I tried really hard to not come off as nagging or criticizing last night when I spoke to my husband about the lack of help I’ve been feeling at home - which only blew up in my face. I think sometimes he hears differently than what I have actually said. And even what he had stated after it blew up in my face I wanted to say – listen to what you just told me. Which went something like this - Most often people are more aware of what others are doing (or not doing) rather than realizing what they are doing (or not doing) themselves (or something like that). Because if in fact, he were to have listened to his pearl of wisdom, maybe he would have taken a moment to do a little self inspection. Here I was trying to say that I am overwhelmed (and you know in hindsight, I should have just said – I AM OVERWHELMED. More on that later) and instead he heard – YOU ARE FAILING AS A PARENT AND HUSBAND.

This all came about because he had asked if we had any plans this weekend. I said, thankfully we have nothing. Which is what I wanted. To which he said, did I mention I tentatively have plans to help someone out between 12-1 pm and then quite possibly at 1:30 – 2:30 pm also. Is that ok, he asks me. And from my sighs, I am sure he didn’t think so. And the thing is – it is ok, so as long as he put back the time into our family and household duties somehow. So of course, hes like – well I can not do it too. And my response is - that’s not necessary. I know he has these commitments and it is important to and for him (sorry, can't elaborate more). Anyway, its just that often, in my opinion, he will over-extend himself for these commitments or to other people but NOT over-extend himself for me or for the sake of the family. Anyway, so back to the argument. I then say that it would be nice if he could manage some of the load here at home too. While I understand the needs to do those other things, by doing those other things, means you take away from here and it kind of gets neglected. To which he blows up at me. And it turns out he was adding this conversation on top of another conversation we had had earlier in the evening where I asked if he was subbing tomorrow, which he wasn’t so that meant he was available in the morning and wouldn’t go to work until about 1ish. To which I said (at the earlier part of the evening) great, that means you’d be able to tidy up the house a bit (like handle the pile of dishes?). And then we had another conversation about his work and how they only pay once a month (WTF!?) at the end of the month and ate our dinner which then lead to him asking about our weekend schedule AFTER we were done eating. Time elapsed from first conversation about tidying up the house to in my head, a different topic of household duties and obligations and time management = 2 hours. I guess that’s not long enough to be thought of as a separate thing.

Anyway, he began to say – you just have to do the best you can and sometimes the best you can is doing nothing. I am doing the best I can and sometimes I can’t get to everything. and what he had to say was true.

Well,for me - I really would like to have the best I can be nothing right now. And I’m sorry but sometimes – the best someone can do doesn't necessarily mean it was all they can do. In order to grow and challenge oneself, we should always be able to offer and or do more. To do things one isn't quite comfortable doing only because they perhaps don't think they CAN do it in the first place. I like to think that I tend to do more and better than what is expected of myself. I may be lazy but, damn if I try and shoot for mediocrity. And this is by no means me saying that my husband is mediocre. Because he isn’t. He is so much more than he allows himself to be and or to admit and or notice. Maybe my way of supporting him and pushing him just pushes him in the wrong direction. I probably could do a lot more supporting than pointing out what our household lacks. but, you see - its cause I AM OVERWHELMED. I said these very words after we were in our heated discussion and STILL I got chewed out because of course, now i've hurt my husband's feelings and have nagged and brought down my own house. sigh....i know, its my own damn fault.

If only..


Sometimes, when I ask you – please watch the kid as he is playing at the top of the stairs, I really mean – please be closer than 6 feet so that if he wobbles, he doesn’t fall down the stairs. and even though you may think this is highly unlikely to happen. amuse me while all the while comforting me and just suck it up and stand right next to him and let him play. this will have me feel better and less worried DESPITE the fact that your reaction to it is quite the opposite. 

and sometimes....oh forget it..its almost time to go pick the kid up at daycare..