Out of the Darkness

on oct. 24th, a couple days shy of what would have been my moms 54th birthday, my new family and i participated in oaklands first ever community walk at lake merritt. the purpose of the walk was to call attention to causes and ways to prevent suicide. it also helped to raise funds for research and education for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) which developed the walks. it was just 1 out 190 or so walks happening across the united states.

supposedly there were 200 participants. 200 too many if you ask me. we were all there because someone we loved had taken their life. some people had memorial shirts on and walked and raised money as a team. i want to thank those who helped support me and the cause, so thank you.

im at a lost with this post really. i dont know what to say, or what to get off my chest. during my pregnancy at 34 weeks when my mother passed, i was dealing with so much already and then..but i was able to stay intact for the most part, i know i didnt cry much. i was basically running on auto pilot and focused on being healthy for my baby and having to be the one to take care of things. and after the funeral, i thought that was that. i was done with it. often times it felt as if i didnt grieve enough, and then sometimes i felt i had let it all out and so nothing was left...but then my son was born and 3 weeks after his birth, when i was by myself with him for the first time - i snapped and tears poured out like the hover damn had broke. i was devastated that my mom missed it. then all of the emotions started again. except this time, i was a little angry. i kept thinking - if she only waited 2 more months to see him, maybe she wouldnt have been so sad, so in pain and done what she had done. that the joy of her first grandsons birth would just snap her out of the funk she was in. but i know or really i dont know, i do know she was sick. she suffered from bipolar disorder and so it didnt matter. one moment she would have been happy and the next not because she wasnt taking her medication. i dont know. its hard. i keep her facebook page and just this past week she had received a message from someone who didnt know she wasnt around anymore. i wrote her and gave a snippet then we exchanged another message where i explained what had happened.

sometimes it doesnt even seem like she is gone. my mind will sort of trick me and then, im crying again cause i remember - that this year, i wont be seeing her for thanksgiving or christmas. no more of her every five minute phone call when we are on the way down there for a visit. i wont be hearing her looong ass voicemails or hear corny jokes or receive her chain emails that i delete anyway, or get a card for any and every occasion. its so surreal even now to think she really is gone. but it has only been 4 months. most people want to find something to blame - her disease, her husband, her family, just not ourselves. i guess it helps with the guilt.

i am guilty of many things - not calling her enough, not spending more time with her when i would visit LA. but what i feel most guilty of, is not remembering much of the time i last spent with her which was at my baby shower - just a week before she killed herself. its weird, cause the last couple of weeks there was something to remind myself that not only is she gone, but how she left. i watched the movie the shrink on netfilx online - and it happened to be or have characters who were touched by suicide. and then another movie about a person who cleans up after deaths and well anyway...it unavoidable. but i also dont want people to feel uncomfortable around it when they are with me - that is if they know about it.

anyway, i guess it will always be new, no matter how many years pass. it will always be, what it is and what it was. but i dont want it to mar the wonderful person she was. and thats kind of the point of the walk. to erase that stigma behind suicide. to highlight the many signs and disorders that can contribute to preventing suicide and so forth..and to let those who are suffering know they are not alone and that there is a better way out of the darkness.

Firsts

so if your on facebook, no doubt you have been tagged at one point to fill out notes about yourself such as a movie quiz or some shit. recently i was tagged for a quiz of firsts. as of yet, i still havent completed it. but it had me think about one of the questions - your first love.

now, how do you determine who was your first love? what is the criteria? i know what you are thinking, you are like - come on, you know who your first love was, right? what the fuck do you mean by criteria? i dont know, i guess after thinking on the question - which was, do you still talk to your first love? first "love" - i think i am more comfortable with that, love within quotation marks. in hindsight, well, fuck if i knew what love was back then. yeah, sure a first boyfriend, who i said i love you to, but can i say for certain he was my first love? in hindsight, no, not really. yeah, i thought it was love. and the two times there after. but to compare those times to what i have now, was in no way love. of course i said i love you in my past relationships, and not that i didnt mean it at those times, i just didnt know what it was all about. i cared about them sure, and while living it yes, i did love them. but if it was real love, then wouldnt i still be with them? i think i said i love you only because i was saying it, in the hopes that it was love. hoping that that person will say it back and mean it and there by acknowledging that this thing we had, was real. real, in the hopes that - this was IT. but it obviously became a big wasnt, it was something that resembled love. tainted love, oh the love we share, seemed to go no where..anyways, so i guess my answer would be that charlie is my first love. god, i know, baaarf right?! well, the truth can be gross sometimes.

a friend of mine asked me if its different now that i am married. no, it isnt that different, except instead of saying boyfriend i say husband. oh and i permanently wear a ring on my finger. i still havent changed my last name, even though our marriage certificate says im going to. so then some people wonder, why the hell get married in the first place, if its just a piece of paper and everything is the same. yeah, you know, i was one of those people too, being all independent and a feminist but then again - its nice to be able to tell the world and have it in writing that ive met the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. its like, when youve completed high school - you get a diploma or graduated college. you get this certificate saying you did all the work and now you are done. yeah, its like that. you did all this dating, you went out with all the fuck ups, you had your heart broken many times over and now, you've graduated. you did it - you finally met the one. ok, its kinda like that. but you know what i mean.

anyway, i know sometimes i take cw for granted and with the new addition in our lives, we forget sometimes to acknowledge one another. and ok, so sometimes i can be real bitchy and critical, but i dont mean to. remember, im sleep deprived. but enough of my excuses. anyway, he really is my first love. so there, yeah i should try and finish that quiz now.

its funny to think back on things. the shit i did and said and thought i knew. sometimes, as a friend of mine stated, it feels like a waste even though i know i needed to go thru that shit to get here.

i havent been around. ive been meaning to write, sorry. do people still stop by here anyway? i know im flakey. its a character flaw that, well, i have been trying to shake but my attempts have been flakey. so much has happened this year that im still trying to put the pieces (back) together but each time i do so, a little bit of me falls apart. dont get me wrong, there has been great things, events and people (one particular person) that have entered my life but the one that exited my life has profoundly changed my whole matter of being.

its also hard to get some quality time on the computer when you have your hands full taking care of a 7 week old. to tell you the truth, i think i have complete writers block. i mean sure i can write shit on the baby blog, because all my days are spent with the baby. but this blog is NOT about babies. maybe about getting knocked up or the trials of getting or not getting there, if you know what i mean. you dont? well nether do i, hence writers block. i will be back though. with a vengeance - when i go back to work. hehe.

** and fuckin god damn it - cw's site is broken, and then i just broke it even more! and now i have to start all over since i didnt back up any of the files - EFF ME!