If you haven't visited my boring ol' motherhood blog - then you wouldn't know that this post is my THIRD post of the day!! but actually it's a re-post or not really, this is a post I wrote up on 12/11/07 that never got published:

It is hard to know or even grasp the driving point of what would have someone to be driven off of their personal cliff and lose it. either lose it and harm or kill themselves or involve others to accompany in their agony and offer up a painful remembrance of it. is to shout out with full intensity ? - hey im here world, in case you have forgotten, cause it seems like you have. so i will make damn sure you take notice of me now.

are we all too busy to stop and take notice. so desensitized. so jaded. so numb. we have all marked that society is already no good so it comes to no surprise that shit happens and when it does, we just shrug and say or think - what do you expect. but when ice cream (or gold, if you are lactose intolerant like me) happens, everyone can't believe it. for example, i was at longs waiting patiently (okay a bit impatiently) for the woman ahead of me to complete her transaction. the cashier was an older woman and taking her sweet time. the customer said to hold off on the last item because she wasn't sure she had enough money for all of it. she was short about 37 cents. my guts tugged at me to do something. i offered the cashier the dollar i had in my pocket. the woman was utterly surprised and apologized and asked if i was sure about it. yeah im sure, its a dollar. the woman was quick to thank me, and i said really its no problem. she gave me my change back and the woman proceeded to give me excuses why she didnt have the money.

do we need a reason or an excuse to be nice? i suppose that is how it works in a fucked up world. the excuse is usually - what's in it for me? another example, one day about a year ago, i'm sitting at my desk at work and glance over at the window directly behind me. when i see a young tall skinny guy running up and down frantically at each houses driveway. i thought okay thats kind of odd but whatever, people usually are - i dont know the context so i dont care. and back at my computer screen and then i hear a car pull up and the door slam and i look out the window again and there are 2 uniformed cops with guns drawn walking down the block. im like whoa, okay now that is odd and out of the ordinary. i quickly pull the shades up and try and get the officers attention by knocking on the window and mouthing "over there". I pick up the telephone to dial the police station or 911 but i couldnt decide since, well technically its not an emergency but i think i know who they are looking for and where he may be. my supervisor, who is directly to the left of my desk in his nice office is standing up with a complete "what the hell are you doing" look, to which he quickly asks, "what are you doing?" - i say, well, i'm calling the police, i think i know who they are looking for and where he ran off to." my supervisor quickly runs to his window, pulls his shades down and turns out his lights and then says, "don't do that. why?" I'm like why do you think.

anyway, that was a pretty cool day at the office since i was nursing a brutal hangover and the whole cops thing woke my ass up out of its vice grip, especially when i notice that catycorner from our building atop the high apartment building, 3 snipers dressed in black are positioning themselves at the ready. and by now the weather has a pretty wet effect on the police station that has formed directly below my window. awesome. i count them up, about 4 or 5 cop cars and a k9 unit parked nicely along a rockridge district neighborhood. the whole stint transpired over the course of a few hours. i can hear their battle plans.

whoa, sorry to get off tangent there. my supervisor's reaction to me calling the cops. he wouldnt have done it. he also wouldnt have done it if he witnessed someone else getting hurt, unless of course its one of his loved ones. i didnt ask him if this was true or not, but from everything i do know of him, i would bet my money on it. he doesnt like change nor does he like confrontation either. have you seen the movie office space? (that may be a silly question) well if you have, do you remember that seen where michael bolton is in his car listening to rap music and he's going at it rapping along until he notices a black pedestrian and he quickly lowers the volume, locks his doors and lowers (cowers) his posture into his seat? well, that's my supervisor. for serious.

people walk by other people in distress, nearly everyday. i don't know if its cause they do not care at all or they just care less because of fear. what's in it for me? why should i endanger my own safety for the safety of stranger?

7/2/12 : Kind of eerie that first paragraph there, since my mom off'd herself, and boy did we notice, didn't we. awful. i feel awful.

Sorry

I’ve been quite anxious this month. More so than usual. As you all know Mother’s day is this weekend and it’s something I have come to dread each year since my mom’s death. Some of you may not have known but I am part of a few support groups – online and in person- for motherless daughters/motherless mothers. I have only made it to one two meetings of the physical group I am in. I recently made the commitment to attend another one finally – a mother’s circle of remembrance which takes place nationwide in other similar groups. I was all set to go and rsvpd but was still feeling uneasy about it. For one, I’m not great in social settings (no really, I’m not!). I feel awkward and usually don’t have much to say and sometimes when I do, I either get my foot stuck in my mouth or I say something really idiotic. Sure, maybe 50% of this is in my head and really most of the time I don’t care if I do make a fool out of myself, but it still stresses me out. I am a homebody. I much rather prefer staying home or on the off chance I do want to socialize, it’s usually for a play date or something that incorporates my entire family. Anyway, what I am trying to say is – I totally cancelled. Terrible. But I spoke to Charlie about it last night and my feeling is – I of course want to remember my mom, but I also want to include both my kids in doing it and make it our own tradition, every year around this time.

I want to be able to tell Jax and Raima about their grandmother that they never got to meet but who is always here with them. I want to look thru pictures with them and tell them stories I remember (good and bad) and to also make something for her and then to go out and enjoy the day like my mom would have. Like a trip to noah’s bagels for breakfast (or egads, going to starbucks) or walking around window shopping on or going to thrift stores (but we will most likely go to the park or the lake instead). Those were things I did with my mom and things that I know she liked doing. I want to have the kids, when they can, make her a card and to “send” it to her. While I know going to the circle of remembrance would have given me support in other ways, I feel as though doing my own thing with my own family and making this our own tradition would serve me better and will honor and in a way give my mom an opportunity to be with her grandchildren. But it doesn’t take away the fact that I still feel terrible for canceling at the last minute. So, sorry to my fellow motherless daughters in my group..i hope you can understand.

Drained

I’m exhausted. Exhausted is actually putting it lightly. Last night I started to really feel run down and then I tried to see where in my recent life have I had time to myself. Just myself. No one to cater to, no one asking me for things or having to be responsible for anyone by me myself and I. It has been a really really really long time.

I have found myself getting upset and being quiet about it. Like last night when Charlie finally came home from his meeting at 11:30ish and while I was vegging out on the couch with Raima I still felt exhausted. Raima had been attached to me for the past few hours and before that I was making dinner and before that I went to pick up Jax and before that I was at work and before that I was asleep attached to Raima. I was upset because when I did drag myself to bed, I was expecting Charlie to start heading to bed too and maybe possibly to clean up after my cooking mess and to put away the food (which I did ask him to do before I went into our room). But he didn’t. I thought well, maybe Jax woke up and he had to tend to him. So, I did what any normal person would do. I texted him. No response. I finally was tired of being attached and realized I haven’t used the bathroom for the last 7 hours so it was time to break free. I detached, and found Charlie sitting on the couch watching TV. Raima began to cry and I’m like – could you please look after her so I can use the bathroom. And right there and then I really wanted to just break down and cry. In the bathroom. On the toilet.

My body hurts. All of it. My back, my neck, my shoulders. Heck, my face. I feel sleep deprived yet I know I’ve had some sleep. It’s just every day. EVERY. DAY. there is something I have to do, to think about, to be responsible for. My weekends are no longer relaxing, not lately at least. And if they are that’s because I opted to not go out of the house but the house is still a mess. Being at work is the only time I have to myself in chunks of time at least because 3x out of the 8 hours I am here, I pump – so.

I’m not asking for any sympathy – this is the life I chose and I am 80% happy with it. I just need to get it out of my head so it doesn’t weigh me down on top of everything else. Maybe it’s also because Mother’s day is coming up?  I’ve been getting so many emails about it and every time I want to scream and be like – HEY, my mom isn’t around anymore so stop reminding me. And then I wonder if Charlie and the kids will do something for me. Probably not, unless I ask for it. That’s how it goes here. Nothing gets planned by anyone else..and then it starts again, the heaviness, the exhaustion. Ugh. But I don’t want to be a martyr. I don’t want all the responsibilities. And I’ve had this talk before and it works for awhile and then it doesn’t. Cause well..sigh, I don’t know. Life happens, really. Things get picked up and then things get put down. When it’s not out in the open sometimes, it just doesn’t get looked at. 

So I try and let go. I try and find solace in it all and not hold onto anything. I try and see in myself, where I can lighten the load. I need to speak up more often than not, I know. But sometimes, even self sufficient, independent, do it yourself, handy me wants to be taken care of, looked after.

Anyway,  I’m looking forward to this weekend even though it will be insane. We’re driving down to LA for my cousin’s engagement party since we won’t be able to make it out (read: we're too broke to make the trip) to the wedding in NOLA in August. In a few weeks I will be going to Colorado to a friend’s wedding and staying with Amy. I will be going with Raima –so it isn’t a full me time trip but I know I will get to enjoy a little me time J and Amy time. YAY.